I need to help my son more effectively.

[murielm99]

He called me at midnight and talked for an hour about his friend Timmy who committed suicide.

He talked about his friends' comments and reactions to the death. We laughed at some of the things Timmy had done in the past. I remembered when my son and Timmy were in junior high, and they were e-mailing each other dirty jokes. Tim's dad got to the email first, and he was not happy. I wondered why my son was avoiding him. LOL!

I expressed my feeling of hope for the future in that Tim's girlfriend is expecting a child. That will help his family. It doesn't do much for my son, though.

I told him that he and his friends need to get together and Christmas and find some way to honor Tim. They also need to visit his family. He agreed with the visit part.

What else can I do? What can I say that will help?

[silverlib]

1. Suicide is such a difficult/heart wrenching thing...

Each of Tim's friends are probably dealing with different issues.

When my daughter was fourteen, her favorite teacher committed suicide. She was obviously a lot younger than your son, but her right-ring religious friends were telling others that this man was going to hell. Not only was she dealing with personal loss, but with horrible visions of the result of his "unforgivable sin."

I told her about the prodigal son and how his father, who I believe emulated God, forgave his son before he asked, that he ran to him with open arms and embraced him.

This could be totally useless to your son. I think love and time are the biggest healers.

Peace to all of you.

Edited because I had not read your previous post - Damn the war! Justifiable anger is good. Another victim of the administration's atrocities!

[RevCheesehead]

2. You are listening to him... and that is more important.

If he asks you questions, it's ok to tell him you don't know, but you're willing to find out together. But mostly, it sounds like he just wants to talk... With his mom. That's a very special bond, and I'm glad you two are close with each other.

Also, ask him what he wants or needs right now. He might not have an answer for several days, but encourage him to think about it.

It's going to be a very long road. I'm so grateful he has you there for him. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. I agree. He is going to need someone to lean on, and who better than

a parent?

I think the biggest thing to do beyond hearing him out is keeping an eye on him for feelings of depression. I know that my brother got very depressed when our uncle killed himself.. felt very guilty over it even though he shouldn't have felt that way. Your son may end up dealing with something along those lines as he goes through the stages of grief.

:hug:

[murielm99]

4. Thank you.

He has dealt with depression before. When he went to college, he had a hard time the second year. I always felt he chose a school where it was hard for him to fit in. I did not say "I told you so," but that is what set off his depression.

His school provided counseling. He took advantage of it. He would probably be willing to seek this type of help again. I will remind him of the good it did him last time, and tell him that if he needs counseling again, he should seek it.

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. Yeah, I had my worst depression in college. It took both

counseling and meds to get me out of my two worst episodes. In fact, I am off to the doctor again in a few hours to get myself back on medication to try and even things out.

But it's good to know your son will do counseling. The fact that he has done it in the past should be helpful in getting him to go again if he needs to. :hug:

[Bluerthanblue]

6. please,

don't be afraid to be completely transparent with your son-

oftentimes, when someone we are close to kills themself, it not only depresses us, but gives us a.... lessened resistance to doing the same thing ourselves- If your son has experienced suicidal thoughts in the past, even if he hasn't vocalized them, or acted on them, this could be a very dangerous time for him.

if i were you, i'd ask him outright- it won't 'put' any ideas in his head that weren't already there- and it will knock down any walls that may exist, when it comes to talking about what has been such a tabooo subject-

it WOULD be good for Tims friends to gather together, share the joys and sorrows of his short life, and also, perhaps to acknowledge the pain they feel, and the wish that Tim could have been able to voice his dispair, short of screaming it out by dying.- The group acknowledgement of that, and the shared sorrow, and longing to have been able to 'help' or just 'hear' him, may save one of them- from a similar fate-

people hate talking about things that are uncomfortale, and scary- but that is why those things stay that way-

huggs to you- loving mother that you clearly are-
and strength for the work that living can often be-

[FreedomAngel82]

7. I'm sorry for your sons loss

I'm not sure what else you can do. I think right now just being there and making sure he is okay is the most important thing. And wow a baby? That must be really tough. I hope he's doing okay. :hug:

[supernova]

8. Grief is intensely difficult work

Believe me, I know.

I'm sure it's all the harder when it's a suicide as opposed to more natural causes.

Your son needs you to listen and be there for him. :hug:

You might suggest, when he's able that he, and others who knew the victim if it's appropriate, do something to honor his friend: participate in some activity he would have enjoyed, take a trip to a place he wanted to see, take up some cause he was passionate about. It can often help us to think we are taking up the mantle of our fallen friends.

I'll be thinking about you and your son and his friend, muriel. :hug:

[murielm99]

9. Your post gave me an idea.

My son, Tim, and a large group of other young adults all went to church camp together for ten years. The entire group is very close. A large number of them showed up for the funeral and the wake.

Tim's entire family has given a lot of volunteer time and financial contributions to the camp. Maybe my son and his friends can do something for and at Camp Emmaus to honor their friend.

[phylny]

10. Be available for him the best way you can. Listen, and reaffirm

how precious this life is, and how much compassion Tim's family and friends need now.

My daughter faced this very thing a year ago. We had moved six months earlier, and she got a call that two friends of hers committed suicide together in our old town.

We spent lots of time that week hugging and talking and crying, and since my daughter's young, I spent time on discussing with her all of the options that these two young lovers had - options that did not include suicide.

After a few weeks, I talked to my daughter about enjoying life, living it fully, in memory of her friends.

The best thing you can do is to be available. Best wishes to you, your son, and Tim's grieving family.