I'm having a problem.

[Ilsa]

I'll understand if no one wants to jump into this with me. It is depressing. But I guess I need to vent.

Background:
I've been a Christian for a big part of my 47 years. I've been through periods of rebellion, but have never lost my faith or belief that God is real and involved in our lives. A long time ago, after a stranger broke into my house and raped me, I went through depression, and I think depression includes a sense of loss of communication with God, like he cannot hear or speak to me. But I hung on to my beliefs. My husband married me in our Presbyterian Church. We were active in our new church where we moved. I taught Sunday School for middle schoolers until my first child. I survived a very difficult ordeal with a couple rounds (years) of good professional mental health services.

Problem: My oldest son is autistic. We are going through very difficult times with him. The expenses are well, there. Insurance covers alot, but even the copays on meds, etc are like a small car payment every month. Even that isn't the problem though. His behavior is so difficult right now. We are getting professional help for it, but it is so restrictive to our family. It feels like we can't do anything fun any more. We get little assistance. People judge us as parents by his behavior. Now, even my husband's mother has told him if we'd have been more punitive with him as a toddler (heay-duty spanking), he'd behave better. I thought she understood. Even my 79 yo father gets that his brain doesn't work right. I spend my time doing twice as much laundry as "normal" people.

I stopped going to church. It seemed like whenever I went, I sat there and cried. I got tired of crying. Going seems pointless and a waste of the few hours I have for myself. I don' tfeel renewed or encouraged from the worship experience. I take a good anti-depressant which has helped tremendously so that I can experience happiness and joy, but I get none of that from my faith these days. I feel like al I can get from it is excuses for an beautiful, innocent child having his life turned this way, and ours as well. My volunteer work is suffering. There is no end in sight. I don't go to bed worrying. It is hard enough to plan for the next day much less worry about the future, but yes, I am concerned. It feels like God put my prayer requests on "mute" ages ago. And I've got other Christians (like my mother-in-law) telling me I'm not parenting God's way.

No, I am not suicidal. And there are others with wose problems than us. So what. Is that supposed to make me feel better? It doesn't; it makes me feel worse and even angry.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[shrike]

1. It might help you to know

That I suffered from depression through most of my life and during the darkest periods, I also suffered from doubt. So yes, I think depression is a "mute," which blocks you from the joy of life, and of God and his creation.

It sounds like

A. You need a break from caregiving

B. You need to rid yourself (as much as possible) of people who sap your strength.

You sound totally burned out to me. Have you sought out a support group/organization for parents of autistic children? Is there anyone who can give you a respite from your son (and I mean that in a nice way) so you can recharge your batteries? I know you can't disassociate yourself from your MIL, but it might be time to extricate yourself from other relationships which are sapping your strength.

[Ilsa]

2. Thanks. I do need a break, and one will come when

school goes back into session in a few days. I can't go away for a vacation because my husband needs a trip away with me as much as I need a trip for myself. I wish we could get away, but I don't see how right now. We can't get a family member to take them for a few days with these specific behavior problems going on. Yeah, I'm burned out. My husband and I are staying away from his family for awhile. I dpn't know why, but the local support group didn't make me feel any better. Maybe because I feel like it is something else that I have to "do", or more work. I dont have the energy to reach out to others whose problems may even be worse.

[shrike]

5. Just read the Rev's comments

They were good, as always.

Sounds like the best thing you can do, IMO, is take care of yourself as best you can. Do as much as you can for yourself, nurture yourself, all that good stuff.

My advice sounds so lame, but I wish you the best.

[Ilsa]

6. Thanks. That helps also, especially after my mother-in-law

decided to accuse my husband of not parenting our child right.

[RevCheesehead]

7. Can you and your husband sit down and talk with his mother?

I mean a real, deep, "I'm not gonna quit until you understand" heart-to-heart with her? She needs to realize how her comments, perhaps borne out of ignorance, are causing hurt feelings.

I'm sure your husband is really hurting over this, too.
Please give him one of these: :hug:

[Ilsa]

8. I don't know if we'll be able to do this.

She's done this sort of thing before, and then she expects a make-up after a month or two without anyone apologizing or talking it out. I would be game for it, but I don't know if my husband would press for it when the time comes.

She doesn't know how to handle conflict except through power struggles. She used to have them all the time when she was raising her daughter's daughter. The teen would be over visiting friends, and she's drive over and insist she get into the car and leave right away because she needed to get to work. I told her it would be easier on everyone, including the hosting household, if a time limit were set up, and if one couldn't be, then she give her 30 minutes lead time to finish her visit with her friends. It was a totally foreign concept to my MIL, having to negotiate with a teen, and I didn't even have kids then. I began to wonder if she relished the power struggles and conflicts.

[funflower]

10. With respect, some people can never understand, no matter how long you

talk. They aren't mean and awful people. They just have an irresistible and often unconscious need to control the world around them, starting with their grown children.

Here's a terrific book that empowers people to see the inappropriate attempts at control as unacceptable and harmful (rather than a grandmother's prerogative) while at the same time offering compassion toward the overcontroller, who often has suffered greatly and is coping in the only way he/she knows how.

If You Had Controlling Parents : How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World (Paperback)
by Dan Neuharth
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060929324/qid=1136577673/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-8854105-0054413?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

[RevCheesehead]

3. Wow.

That's an awfully heavy load to be carrying.

Are you currently seeing a counselor/therapist? I would strongly advise that you seek out some kind of help, to help you think through all of the things you've mentioned (and more). There are some really good Christian counselors out there, too. (and they don't "push" religion - at least, the good ones don't.)

As to the content of your post: let me first say that I don't believe that God "rewards" or "punishes" us with situations, circumstances, or posessions. And God most certainly did not cause these things to happen to you, or to your family. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an ignorant idiot.

It also sounds like you're getting more than your share of unsolicited advice from people who may or may not have your best interest at heart. Anyone who has done any basic reading about Autism should know that it is not "caused" by parenting skills.

Just this past week, my brother & family came to visit. His 6-yr-old daughter is an extraordinarily strong-willed child. She was that way, even before she was born. It becomes all too easy for people to see her behavior, and conclude that her parents aren't doing enough in disciplining her. But I know my brother and SIL - and I do not think that Sarah would have turned out any differently if they clamped down on her.

Unfortunately, many people in life are going to make inappropriate comments about things that are none of their business. Whenever we find ourselves facing them, we have to work extra-hard to forgive them for their ignorance, because they really do not know what they are doing.

Attending church might not be the best thing for you right now. (I know, I'm shocked I'm saying that, too!) I think you need to find your own spiritual path - perhaps with the guidance of a good spiritual director. S/he can give you suggestions on books, tapes, and other resources that will help you find strength and healing.

I was fortunate. I found a Christian counselor who was also a spiritual director. I saw her at least twice a month for 5 years, and have come through some horrible circumstances much stronger, more confident, and spiritually empowered. I told myself that I was committed to setting asike the time and the money, because my mind and soul needed to be healed and nurtured. It was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

My heart goes out to you, Ilsa. I'll keep you in my prayers, and hope that you can begin to make some healthy decisions for your own self. And remember, we are here for you, too.

:hug:

Ruth

[Ilsa]

4. Thank you, I appreciate your comments.

I don't know what to expect from therapy at this point. I've lots of therapy before related to the PTSD from the sexual assault and the underpinnings in my development that made it worse. I might be able to get something out of cognitive therapy, but honestly, I'm afraid that a therapist will give me more "work" to do.

I do better when I have time to work out, but that is more rare when the kids are at home for the holidays. I think the working out helps me with my endorphins, but also gives me a sense of control over my weight. I'm not obese, but I want to lose about ten pounds again, and if I don't get my exercise, it seems like I put on again. I guess I feel like it is the only thing I have control over, and I'm not able to exercise that control when I'm having to shadow my child (he's asleep at the moment).

Again, Thank you.

[funflower]

9. Sounds like time to put Grandma on "mute."

She is simply ignorant and wrong. Your son is lucky to have you, not her, as a mom. I'm always amazed at the things some people feel entitled to say to their in-law children! Don't let her get under your skin.

Do you have a good autism support group? Parents who are dealing with the same thing might have the best insights as to how to handle both the behavior issues and the inevitable burn-out. I've even heard of some autism/aspergers play groups (I suppose you are way ahead of me on this, however).

It certainly sounds as if you could use some time away somewhere relaxing and inspiring. I'm always amazed how fast I recharge when I get way from my caregiving and other responsibilities for a while. There are lots of ways to feel inspired other than participating in church, and if the mix between your fellow parishioners and your son's behavior is increasing your stress, rather than dissipating it, you might well be doing the right thing to avoid services for now.

WRT the "why bad things happen to good people" question, I might not be the best person to answer that, as I've evolved (or devolved, perhaps) to a view of things in which God is, at best, not very involved in directing specific events. For some reason, autism is epidemic right now. I have no idea why.

You sound to me like someone who is doing all the right things. Sometimes life is just hard, and the fact that it's hard for other people doesn't change that. Please take care of yourself and don't listen to people's well-meaning but uninformed and unhelpful advice.:hug:

[Mrs. Venation]

11. Sometimes Churches Are The Last Place To Find God

We humans have a tremendous knack for inserting our own frailties into organized religion. Sometimes we need to take a break from the rules created by humans to strengthen our own communion with God.

I have some experience with developmentally disabled children, and I know what a handful they can be. I hope things are better for you now that the holidays have passed and the kids are back in school.

I'll keep you in my prayers, Ilsa.

Mrs. V