Does anyone know of any churches that have a ministry to the

[Ilsa]

developmentally disabled and their families? I haven't been to church in ages. My husband and I haven't been to church together in years. Our oldest son is autistic and sometimes he can get really aggressive, as in biting or scratching another child, especially scratching the eyes. We haven't even tried to take our youngest.

I used to teach Sunday School and was very active in my Presbyterian Church, but I feel forgotten. I feel like "Why bother if all they want is the "normal" families?" I get angry about it sometimes, because when I go to funerals and people see me, they invite me, but don't seem to understand that I can't come without some experienced help.

Sometimes I want to just dump Christianity all together because the social part of it is totally absent from our lives. I am willing to consider changing denominations if one makes a special point of having this ministry.

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. There are definitely no denominations I can think of that do this.

But you will find, if you look around and/or ask around, individual churches that will more than likely have some kind of ministry, at least in the larger towns.

And before you give up on the church, remember that in society, until just a few decades ago, it was standard practice to put mentally retarded people in institutions. And a great many people are still ashamed to go out in public with their mentally retarded children, and probably many who don't take their kids/sisters/brothers to worship with them.

Here is your chance to be a leader and start a new thing - this is a ministry that more churches should be providing, but from a realistic viewpoint, having mentally retarded people as active parts in society is a rather new thing, and so there is little experience with, and, I'm sure, almost no clergy who are trained to deal with it, and proabbly very few Christian educators who are trained with it. The training I've seen in the last decade or two for "special" children has been much more about the ADD and ADHD and slightly autistic kids, and very little with the retarded or severely autistic.

You have a great chance to be in the forefront of a movement here; and the church could certainly use people like you who know what should be done and how to do it to interact with the people are theologically trained to integrate the needs of the mentally disabled with the teachings and ministry of the church.

Best wishes to you!!

[Ilsa]

2. It has little to do with "shame". It has to do with protecting other

children and having the right people to make sure that doesn't happen. He is very strong for a kid, and moves very quickly and unexpectedly when obsessed with an idea of inflicting harm.

My son and many other autistics are not retarded. In fact, he is quite facile in problem solving within limits. But I can't leave him with someone who doesn't understand his condition while I attend church.

I really don't have the time to be a leader in anything other than what I already do (mothering, teaching my autistic child and creating special learning tools for him, working, taking care of our home, and trying to be a partner to my over-stressed husband). That is part of the nature of having a behaviorally disabled child at home. I am too busy cleaning up messes created from items taken from locked cabinets. The most I can do is tell them I have a need. I can't teach the classes for these kids. If anything, I need a break from autism, not more work to do. I am more pro-active than many parents of autistic kids, and I can't take on another project.

[Critters2]

3. I'd recommend that you speak with your pastor

and/or Christian Ed Director (Sunday School Superintendent, whatever nomenclature). Explain your child's needs and your concerns. If you know of people you would trust with your child, offer those names. There are some Sunday School Curricula for special needs kids, but clergy need a little push to look for them (Cokesbury has some, I know; and I think Augsburg does).

Be patient with folks. Most people don't know how to relate to people with autism. This isn't unique to the Church, and the Church is probably no worse in this regard than a lot of other institutions. We need guidance from those with knowledge and experience.

My brother has Aperger's; AND an MA in theology. Yet, there are many church folks who don't know how to relate to him--and him to them. Dealing with the autism spectrum takes a great amount of patience on both sides of the equation.

In churches I've served, I've found it helpful if parents of special needs kids talk openly--and often--about their kids, and what makes them unique, good and bad. People then feel free to raise their questions, and concerns; to talk about the child's gifts and progress. But too often, people feel afraid to ask the questions they have, to raise the concerns about how children relate. So, they make the special needs family feel uncomfortable to the point of feeling unwelcome. I don't believe most churches only want "normal" families (what is that?). They just don't know how to react to those who are special. You have the opportunity to help them.

So speak to your pastor. Be honest, and open, and helpful. If you don't get a welcoming response, try another church. I honestly don't know of any denomination that specifically has a ministry to those with autisms, but there may be. But as with all issues, some congregations will be better than others. Look until you find the right one!

And all the best to you and your family!

[Ilsa]

4. I've done some of these things. I've met the pastor informally.

and we've discussed it. I've met with several elders. One of them works with older disabled youth. Nothing has come of it, at least so far.

While I've been on DU for two minutes, my son dumped about half a cup of chopped garlic (from a jar in the refrigerator) into my finished chinese food entree.

[Ilsa]

5. And after I cleaned up the chopped garlic and sat down to post

the reply above, he spread most of a box of cornstarch all over the countertops. While I was cleaning that up, he found the key to the back door, went outside, took off all of his clothes, and is sitting in a mud hole. This stuff usually happens while I'm clenaing up a mess, or doing housework, or sitting down to have a snack and a break.

[RevCheesehead]

6. Egads.... you certainly have your hands full!

Are you part of a support group for parents? It might be a really good place to start. They also might have some ideas about what churches are supportive, or most likely to help with special needs.

In my little church here, I had a mother and her young son with extreme ADHD. There wasn't a lot of help available in town, but I let her use our facilities to start a support group for parents of ADHD kids.

Unfortunately, other issues (not entirely unrelated) drove her away from this church, and she is attending another congregation in the city.

Good luck in your search. You got some great advice above, and I hope it helps you find what you need!

[Ilsa]

7. The lack of focus on this growing diagnosis has me very

disturbed. Bush wants churches and other helping agencies to pick up the slack for govt programs, but it isn't working.

We used to go to support group meetings, but can't anymore during the school year. My other son's homework load, even when he was in first grade, is enough that we stay busy helping him do his work. And of course the school sends home a huge packet of "fill this out", "send money" etc every week. I feel like I'm writing a dissertation or reading one every Monday night. "Keep this" "Pin this up" "Throw this away." I don't remember bringing anything home except an empty lunch box every day until I hit fourth grade.

Other losses this week:
2 bottles of shampoo - one was completely full and replaced the previous one that was washed down the sink.
Two rolls of toilet paper (into the toilet - thank goodness he didn't try to flush)
One tube of toothpaste
Half a bottle of olive oil (gets expensive. I use cheap shampoo because of him)
One box of salt
one cup of sugar
two cups of non-dairy creamer
I can't even remember what else I've replaced this week.

[RevCheesehead]

8. Don't even get me started on "faith-based initiatives"

What bush fails to realize is that the majority of churches in the US is of membership of 150 or less. We are struggling to keep out doors open. And when gas prices force the cost of everything to rise, the first thing to go in a family budget is tithes and offerings.

I am so fervently involved in politics, because I see what is happening to people in this country, and weep at our indifference to the poor and outcast. And I preach it from the pulpit, too. It seems to me that that's what Jesus was most concerned about; and if it was important to him, then it's important to all of us who call ourselves Christian.

Hang in there, Mom. :hug:

[Ilsa]

9. Thanks for the encouragement. It means alot right now.

I was a member of a small church for ages growing up and halfway through college. My father worked for an oil company as an office person (white collar - would have gotten more pay in the refinery), and was minister to little country churches for about 30 years, most of which required a thirty mile drive, minimum. The Salt of the earth worships in those churches. Nothing fancy. Just clean and respectable. I learned alot about life and peoople from watching my father deal with various situations, including the poor and how hard life can be for folks.

The town I'm in now is less than 75,000, and there are several mega-churches of a more fundamentalist persuasion that I cannot get into because I would go stark-raving. I even tried taking the kids to VBS at one of them, and my youngest son didn't want to go back the next day, and I had to stay with my oldest son because the registration volunteers disappeared when it became apparent that I needed help. My fear is that when a real need arises, people run away from helping others.

I am a member of a Presbyterian church, and we have a relatively new pastor that I like, but she is busy getting squared away in her new job. Maybe later I can mention my concerns and desires to get something rolling, but someone else has to be in charge. I'm barely keeping it together. Families like mine suffer 80% divorce rates.

[Kat45]

13. Hey, Rev. Your church sounds a lot like mine.

We're lucky if we have 100 members, and we may have to close our doors in a year or two. We're exploring the idea of merging with another church. And like you, my pastor is always preaching about peace and social justice. It's so sad that the churches that preach Jesus' message are struggling to survive, while the churches that preach hate are thriving.

[RevCheesehead]

14. True - but Jesus told us it would be a tough sell.

That whole "pick up your cross and follow me" stuff? He really meant it. And that didn't mean to pick up your cross and beat someone else over the head with it, either. The fundies need to be reminded of that.

:hi:

[Critters2]

15. But my church is growing

not by leaps and bounds, won't be a mega church any time soon. But we are taking in new members and getting a lot of visitors. And most of these say it's because of our social justice message, and our "open and affirming" stance. One conservative is threatening to leave, but since we've taken in 10 new members this year, that threat doesn't really bother my deacons much.

I really think the problem is that progressive churches are shy about getting their message out. There are people who need what we have to offer, but they need to know we're offering it.

Many of our new members and visitors say they were pleased to see a Christian church doing this work. They were afraid they'd have to be UU, and that wouldn't be a great fit. I hear this a lot.

[Kat45]

16. I'm glad to hear that about your church.

We're always getting new members as well, but we lose just as many as we gain. The town has become a bit of a transient community: young folks move here and love it, but then when they want to buy a house or have a family they move to outer suburbs where they can afford to buy a house. And our church is more a community-based church rather than a church that people travel to.

[Ilsa]

10. I have another idea:

Maybe everyone here with a church membership could check into what is being done to support these members who have children with special needs. MAybe they could check and see if those families have dropped out because of their situation or if they need special help. It might go a long way to relieve the parents of the burden of having to work so hard to get what they need spiritually.

[murielm99]

11. It might depend on the location of your church.

I used to go to a church that was located near an apartment complex where lots of developmentally disabled adults lived. A large number of them came to regular worship services. Our church did indeed have a ministry for them. They had a Sunday school class in our church. There were other activities for them that I can't recall any more. They were the only church I have ever seen that made an effort in this type of ministry. It did seem to have its beginnings because of our location.

[Kat45]

12. My church is very accommodating that way, but nothing formal.

I would guess a lot depends on the pastor and congregants. My church, which is UCC, is very welcoming to all. The members are very friendly to everyone and the pastor is a wonderful person. One of the children in our church, now 13-14, has aspberger's syndrome. His parents are very active with him and in explaining his needs to Sunday school teachers and other adults. When he acts out, his parents deal with him. When he's not acting out, he is active with the other kids in the church. They even found a small speaking role for him in the Christmas pageant. He has gone on church trips with the other kids, and the chaperones know how to act with him. (One is the pastor, who has learned about it; the other is a man who happens to work at a school for the mentally retarded and thus knows about dealing with folks with a number of disorders.)

There is also a halfway house next door to our church, and some of their residents come to our church on occasion. One in particular, in a wheelchair and unable to speak in an understandable manner, comes quite frequently and is welcomed. A photo of him was event taken and included on our wall of photos of people in our church. Other occasional church attendees bring a mentally retarded child or sibling. Another woman who recently joined our church has an 18-year-old son with asperger's.

I think my church shows that it is doable, whether formally or informally. You'd probably have to talk to the pastor about it and see if he or she would be accommodating, and if he thinks the congregants would be on board as well. And for what it's worth, the UCC's recent ad campaign is to show how welcoming that church is to everybody, no matter who you are.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

17. It's not a matter of denominations

It's really up to the local congregation, whether they want to minister to the developmentally disabled, either in separate programs (as a church I knew of in Oregon that had special Sunday School classes for developmentally disabled adults and children) or in a mainstreaming format.

If you think that such a program is needed, speak up. The next time someone invites you to come back to church, explain your situation in detail.

If they are a loving group of people and really want you back, amazing things could happen.