I don't know where to start.

[Ilsa]

I need to go to church again. Somewhere. But my last church has me in tears.

I used to go all the time. I used to teach SS. But after my kids were born and my oldest was diagnosed PDD-NOS (autistic), it started getting harder. I tried taking them Tried the nursery, but they kept coming into church to ask me to come be with my crying son. And now he is so much bigger, and very strong, and he hits. Unexpectedly. And he shouts and cries. He can't go into church with us.

I tried going alone. But I felt even more alone. And I certainly didn't need to cry more. Shoot, I can stay home and do that. So, I stopped going.

And the church continued on with its problems of hiring new ministers and then running them off after about 2-3 years. Seriously, this chrch is on it's last leg. The PResbytery denied a new pastoral search. They have to redefine themselves.

Today I got a letter (been gone for a week) that my name is being placed on "Inactive" status. It really hurt my feelings. The church is about as inactive as anything. I have issues, the elders know I have this problem with being shut-in, and I haven't gotten a call or anything in the last 3-4 years.

I'm thinking about going to the interim pastor (she's supposed to whip them into shape) just to let her how deficient their ministry is others is. They are trying to find a purpose for their organization. HELLO! There are so many families like mine here in this city. My personal/vocational ministry has been towards helping new moms. It isn't as if I'm staying home feeling sorry for myself. I have a spiritual life outside of church. Yet the letter they sent me hurt me.

Okay, I've rambled alot here. Is my thinking out of touch? Am I expecting too much? Maybe I should be glad they are writing me off.

[Kat45]

1. Is there any other church in your area that you could go to?

Your church sounds like it's quite a mess right now. Talking to the interim pastor may help, depending on what she's like of course. Besides letter her know how you feel, it sounds like you might also have some ideas for her about a direction for the church. But I have to wonder if any other area churches would work better for you. If your church is continually "running off ministers," it sounds like they have some serious problems; I wouldn't be surprised if there are personality problems involving particular church members.

A woman in my church has a child (teenager now) with Asperger's, and she brings him to church most of the time. Sometimes he acts up, but when he isn't acting up he's a pretty nice kid and the other kids--and adults--know and like him. When he does act up, she or her husband are on it right away and deal with him, which limits the amount of trouble he causes with the rest of the church. It's a fairly small church and everyone knows them and ie pretty understanding, so that makes things easier.

Edited to add a hug for you. :hug:

[Ilsa]

2. Thanks for the hug. My son's autism is alot more serious behaviorally

than aspergers. HE can be very sweet, or very unexpectedly violent. I have a broken nose to show for it as well as numerous healed bruises. My husband has the same plus bite marks. Really ugly and dangerous stuff. It takes special training to deal with it, and hubby and I are probably the best trained to handle it. Plus, he tends to be very embarrassed about the outbursts. Hubby doesn't like atention drawn to himself like this.

There is another church in our denomination here. They have problems as well. Have been considering attending a Unitarian church here. But unless a church is willing to take us all with all our problems, I don't much see the point. Churches should be a place for lots of blemishes to be shown and worked on, not buried and ignored.

On Edit: I was really angry about the letter yesterday. "How dare they treat like this with all our problems?" was what I was thinking. I was wondering if shut-ins got the same treatment.

[Kat45]

3. At my church, they've always been good with shut-ins.

There was a pastoral care committee who made sure that people were visited periodically and called to be sure they are ok. We also recorded all of the services so they could have a tape or DVD of the service and watch it at home. Our church was very small and running out of money, so we recently consolidated with another church of the same denomination. This church tapes its services and they are shown weekly on local cable. BTW, my church is UCC.

Now that you explain your son's situation in more detail, I can see how difficult it is for you. There is another woman in our church whose son is schizophrenic and he is also prone to violent outbursts; she also has bruises to show for it. But her son is a young adult and she doesn't bring him to church.

How old is your son? Do you have any other children who can help with the situation? I'm also curious as to what your denomination is. Unitarian churches are usually more open-minded, but I suppose it does depend on the individual church and the people in it. I wonder if you'd be better off meeting with a church first to explain your situation and see what kind of reaction you get.

[Ilsa]

4. Presbyterian. Not many kids old enough to help us out, and most that are

teens are so busy with school, that they have little time left over, from what parents tell me. Maybe that's why we're on "Ignore".

I bet there are plenty of other churches with members dealing with the same thing. I know a family with FIVE autistic children. They are catholic and the parents go to mass separately; the kids not at all. No one ever even asks then about their family or kids or offers to help, according to the father.

Really, what is the point of being a part of a church if your biggests tragedies and issues are ignored? I honestly don't know what a church is for any more. I've had to be really strong to keep my head on straight. It is strength that could benefit others, but I don't feel welcome there any more.


Edited to clarify sentence.

[supernova]

5. (((Ilsa)))

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. FWIW, I was a Presby, now a lapsed one. I'm still a believer, but I don't know where I will wind up next. I've found that individual churches are rather hard pressed to deal with people who are outside most members' experience. They might want to help and just not know how to.

I don't know what to tell you except maybe hook up with a social worker who specializes in behavioral issues and who can help you get local services. Someone who can stay with your son while you visit with friends, or to the movies, or even to church. You and your hubby need relief too. Even an hour or two a week would help.

[Ilsa]

7. Thanks. I feel outside of everything but DU these days.

Local services are pretty limited here due to the size of the city and insufficiently trained workers. Still, we've made other adjustments to make it a little more manageable. We splurged on a good tv since we rarely get out to movies any more. Hubby and I do celebratory dining when the kids are at school. Church was the first negotiable item to be eliminated from our schedules.

[RevCheesehead]

6. Ilsa,

your post is breaking my heart. Mostly because I can hear the pain you feel at not feeling welcome, or being asked to leave... but also, because it sounds like the congregation is breaking apart.

First of all, I am sorry that you got that kind of letter. I've always avoided writing them, since I think if anyone wants to be a member, they should be. Clearly, the church is working out some serious issues of their own. One of my congregations is very much like that, in chasing off pastors (now they're gunning for me).

Secondly, if you are feeling a need to find a church, then go... and keep on looking until you find one! I know that visiting a new church is very difficult, but if you pray for guidance, I'm sure that you'll be led to the right congregation. Somewhere out there is a group of people who want to love and support you, your husband, and your son.

If you want to talk to the interim pastor, then go ahead - but she may not be able to offer anything else than an ear. That may be a good start.

I'm wondering if you've found a local support group. Ask them if they know of any congregations that are open and accepting.

God bless you in your search, and in your journey. :hug:

[Ilsa]

8. Thanks. I'm beginning to feel like maybe this was

"predestined" to take me away from that place. Eight months ago I ran into a friend and former elder of the church. After the last pastor quit, she and her husband quit. She's been attending almost any and every church within twenty miles to find a new home.

BTW, before I moved here, one of the pastors or associate pastors that was run off was so disillusioned, I heard he left the ministry completely. Had a real crisis of faith. (I wonder if there is a demon living in that place.)

[RevCheesehead]

9. Sadly, that kind of situation happens regularly.

In fact, it's eerily similar to here. Every 2-3 years, they'd boot out the pastor. I've been here for 5 years, and the "powers" are trying their best to get rid of me. I, also, am seriously considering leaving the ministry - because I'm so sick and tired of this same kind of crap happening, and the conference doing absolutely nothing to work for healing in the affected churches.

I also recently found out that this little city is built on numerous Indian graveyards... and the idiots who discovered the remains never bothered to move the bodies. I'm seriously thinking of asking a Shaman to come and do a ritual cleansing of this place. EVERY CHURCH in this area has had the same kinds of problems as this one, and the people here are exceptionally strong-willed and defiant. Demon? Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.

Keep on searching to find a place for YOU to find healing, not turmoil. You know what you're looking for - now it's just a matter of finding it. I'll keep you in my prayers as you meet your new spiritual home.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

10. It's difficult but not impossible to find a church that says "everyone welcome"

and MEANS it.

You may want to phone around to the various churches in town and see if there is one that will accept your son, perhaps on the condition that you'll take him outside if he seems ready to "lose it."

Another possibility is to arrange kind of a "babysitting co-op" with other parents of autistic children so that you can go to church.

A large church might even be able to set up a kind of "special ed Sunday school," especially if they find out that there is a need for it in the community.

If you go to another church, you may want to ask the minister if you can make a presentation about autism (perhaps in conjunction with other parents who have autistic children) during the adult education hour.

Also, people may be willing to help you if you give them something specific to do. They may have the best of intentions, but they 1) may not know what to do, and 2) may be wary of hurting your pride by offering help.

So you could say to someone, for example, "I need to pick up some groceries, but my son is having a really bad day. Would you mind going to the store for me today? I'll pay you back when you deliver the groceries."

Most people don't know much about autism unless they're directly affected.

[Ilsa]

11. Thanks you for the suggestions. I think your comments could be very helpful to us all. nt

[murray hill farm]

12. Ilsa.

Sometimes the easiest solution is the best. Have you considered that you and your husband could take turns and attend on alternate sundays. i doubt that your son really needs or even wants to attend the services personally and this might just be the easiest solution for all.

[Kajsa]

13. Ilsa, try different congregations and yes-churches.

I'm completely serious here and I myself have a son ( now 24 yrs. old)
who has HS autism.

It was very difficult for me to attend 12 step meetings and church unless
my family helped out with watching him while he was young.

Try to find an open and accepting church that will understand what you are
going through. It's hard- I know- but they do exist out there.

The members of this DU group confirm it.
They have all given you some great advice, also.

I found one in a local Methodist church,
and I was raised in the Lutheran church.

My son and I both attend that church.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, too.

Good luck and please, feel free to contact me anytime, OK?

:hug: