Ex's new boyfriend, my up n' down feelings, and finishing things up

[villager]

So: I've written before that the grieving at losing a marriage was -- for me -- elliptical, like planetary orbits. I'd grieve/mope for awhile, but then be excited/interested in some new possibility that wasn't there before, and be pretty happy, actually, with the turn of events... (aside from the hassle of moving, that is!)

Now, 3 1/2 years out, my wife is on her second consecutive boyfriend. The first was the car salesman she had the marriage-ending affair with. It ended badly for her, and she seemed to be the only one unable to see that hooking up with an alcoholic sociopath wouldn't turn out well.

When it did end badly -- she confessed tearfully to me that it had, when we had to have coffee to discuss some things concerning our sons -- she seemed to suddenly pay attention to both our boys, acted a bit nicer to me (certainly nicer than she ever had during the marriage -- actually apologizing for things, here and there, something that was against her personal laws of physics when we were Mr. & Mrs.) I thought maybe that this woman, who'd had a steady string of male worshippers lined up since she was 14, moving steadily from one to the next (I confess to being simply the longest link in that chain, having met her, yes, when she was engaged to someone else). Maybe now she would have to deal with herself.

But no.

The guy who came to work on "her" house -- convert a garage, work on the floors -- is now shacking up with her. In a way, it seems inevitable. She can't tolerate alone-ness for very long.

And while, the one time I met him, he seemed less sociopathic than the car salesman, I get pissed off -- really pissed off -- every time I see his truck parked there (when I have to drop off/pick up the boys, or get some of their gear or something).

He doesn't live there -- just heads over whenever she is "alone" (i.e., the 3 days a week the boys are with me). But there's this rage, that somehow some asshole can sell her a car, or fix up some shelves, and he is treated with infinitely more respect and kindness than I ever was. And showered with the sex she decidedly withheld from me.

I wish I never had to cross her path again, see her, talk to her, etc. I tried to love someone incapable of returning the emotion.

But the kicker is, then I get pissed at myself for getting pissed at her -- i.e., why do I care, it's been three years, etc. A noxious feedback loop.

Of course, we're still technically "married" (legally separated). She started the actual divorce process with a mediator, then dropped it. Leaving another of her messes for me to "clean up." I've so far resisted, but will have to finish this out.

There's more to the tale, but this rant/steam-letting has gone on long enough for now. Thanks for reading, compadres. Happy trails to us all...

[LWolf]

1. That's a familiar feeling.

Long after leaving the marriage behind--as a matter of fact, to this day, I won't drive by my old house. Of course, these days it's moot. But the first 4.5 years I drove the long way around to visit friends in the neighborhood so I wouldn't have to pass by, and I did not stop to visit my much-loved inlaws, because I couldn't do so without seeing "her" presence at my house. They weren't even living there, only spending weekends. Still.

There is a part of me, an indignant part, that thinks he should have to live alone, learn to live with and by himself, like I've had to. There is another part of me that would like to rip that woman's throat out and hand it to her on a platter. Mostly, there is a part of me that keeps waiting for karma to strike them. Destroying two families ought to bring something back around, and it was a habitual pattern on her part.

On a lighter note, life in the north is good. My oldest boy and his SO flew north a couple of weekends ago. When the SO walked up to the door and was greeted too enthusiastically by my overly-energetic aussie, she asked, "Where's the old guy?" She didn't get the 3rd-hand news that he was back home, and she'd been looking forward to saying hello.

pm me for feedback on the book I've been reading to my 6th graders. ;-)

[villager]

2. will PM, too, but first:

There is a part of me, an indignant part, that thinks he should have to live alone, learn to live with and by himself, like I've had to.

Absolute, nail-on-the-head stuff. She has never had to learn to live alone -- just goes from man-to-man, like stones across a brook.

The house itself isn't quite as hurtful -- well, it's annoying as hell when the Floor Guy's truck is there, I suppose, since *he* didn't have a damn thing to do with finding the place, making it a home, having babies there, etc. He's just in it for the trim. So to speak.

But I still like the old 'nabe, and am on better terms with a lot of them than the Ex is. i.e., I still drop by, catch up, say howdy, while she doesn't engage them quite as much...

As for the "old guy," he's still chipper, barking at the occasional phantom (or high-wind engine whine from the next block), still relishing meal times and seeing the boys, so he's "holding steady...!"

Now, on to the PM!