Merry Fucking Christmas!

[porphyrian]

Without seeming too much like a twelve-stepper (I'm not), hello everybody. I'm not sure if any of you recognize me or not (if you haven't got me on Ignore by now), but I'm one of the really opinionated assholes in General Discussion that make it a scary place for some. Anyway, I've been reading through the posts here because my wife and I are separating after three and a half years (though we've been seeing each other exclusively for close to a decade, and will likely get divorced as soon as that is possible). I'm not fishing for sympathy, though. Since reading your stories has helped me somewhat, I thought I'd share mine on the off-chance that my experience might help someone else.

I'll spare us all the entire story (although this is still kind of long). What it boils down to is that I'm a poor economic provider and she needs to be taken care of better. We're both guilty of self-deception, her for having unrealistic and somewhat unfair expectations, and me for believing that she loved me enough that it wouldn't matter. We were both wrong.

Shortly before Thanksgiving, she realized that she didn't really want to be married to me any more and told me so. Although we suspended any final decision until after Thanksgiving, her behavior towards me changed. She wanted to separate to work out our problems individually, then maybe see about whether or not to stay married. I guess I was hoping she'd change her mind over Thanksgiving vacation, but she didn't. So, I suggested we just call the whole thing off. We don't have kids, thankfully.

So, now I'm trying to find a new place (sublets are your friend), and a new or additional job (I'm working part time now, and I'm a part-time student), and trying to remain civil until I can move out, which I hope to do by the end of the month. Once that's accomplished, we'll work on some kind of no-fault divorce. That's the business side of everything.

Personally, I've been useless for the last two weeks or so. I've been crying like a baby more this month than I have since I was two years old. My natural inclination is to get angry, since anger I can handle, but I can't really blame her for the whole thing. I should probably be more angry at myself than her, for not seeing things sooner and correcting them or ending the relationship then, before getting married. Now, I get to end every year with the anniversery of the demise of my longest relationship. Oh, I know, it's a new beginning! In time, I'll think that's funny.

So, Merry Fucking Christmas, everyone! May my misery make yours seem tolerable by comparison, or give you the opportunity to show a bigger scar. Thanks for sticking around.

[wildhorses]

1. backatcha mofo

and Happy Frickin New Years while I'm at it....

[porphyrian]

4. Sorry, I'm a potty mouth. - n/t

;)

[mrgorth]

2. My best to you

Thank God you don't have kids. Sounds like you may be depressed. Might want to see your physician about that. I know you don't want to hear this but you'll be better off in the long run. Bless you.

[porphyrian]

5. Thanks.

Oh, I'm definitely depressed, and I'm trying to work out something medication-wise, but I'm without health insurance at the moment. Last week was pretty hard as I was packing. I'm feeling a little better this week, though. Thanks. Hope you're doing well, too.

[LWolf]

3. It's very common, in my experience,

to morph grief and other harder emotions into anger; anger is easier to deal with. You just find a target for it.

When my separation happened, it took me almost a year on my own to get angry. And I had plenty to be angry about. I was in a state of shock that long, before reality burned through the fog of disbelief and I allowed myself to be angry. Kind of a backwards process, I guess. I got the ax right after Christmas; I spent Thanksgiving through Christmas wondering where the man I knew and loved had gone, and who'd climbed inside his skin. I didn't recognize guilt, because I trusted him completely and couldn't imagine what he might be guilty of.

The first months were worse than bad; no sleep, uncontrollable tears at very inopportune public moments, and a struggle to find anything hopeful to look forward to "someday." My mother nagged me until I went to a therapist for counseling. I listened to him sadly tell me that I was obviously profoundly depressed, and would need to see him regularly for a year or more, cash only, to work through my grief. I never went back. I got a prescription for Paxil from my GP. That toned the despair down enough to allow me to sleep, and I began to function again. No joy, but functioning. After about 4 months I didn't renew my Paxil subscription, and found myself floundering again. Another 3 months, and I moved into dealing with life without chemical help, and never looked back. By the end of the 2nd year, I was doing well.

Today I am pleased with my life, but don't intend to share it. I'm not a masochist, and I'm damned well not giving anyone the power to destroy me like that again.

You hang in there. Be angry, grieve, and go through whatever you have to go through now. The sooner it's done, the sooner you create your new life the way you want it.

[porphyrian]

6. I'm making it.

This week is better now that I'm almost done packing and I've got a place to go lined up. It's good to know I'm not the only one to discover a body snatcher posing as my spouse, as good as that gets, I suppose. Anyway, it's always somewhat comforting to know that someone has been down the path you're on and made it, even if it doesn't make things any less shitty at the time. Thanks.

[mrgorth]

7. My experience

I was excited about getting into my new place too. Once you are alone the emptiness is a bitch. I think the combination of alcohol and anti-depressants is making me pass out at work. Fun for the whole family I tell ya.

[porphyrian]

8. Heh, I'm getting meds today.

I was on meds for my anxiety (Effexor, I think) until we lost our health insurance in September. However, right before that happened, I got a prescription to try a new one. I think it's Cymbalta. So, I'm getting it today. However, since it's new, there's no generic available, and the name brand crap is going to cost over $200 for a two month supply. It may not be the best use of that money right now, but I think it's going to help with all the other crap. Anyway, I haven't really been drinking, probably because it would knock me out while I was on anxiety medication. I guess it got me out of the habit. I remember Paxil was really bad about making me tired when drinking.

[mrgorth]

9. Fucking insurance, or lack thereof

any chance of getting back on some insurance? $200 a month is going to kill you. I take Effexor but I think it's an anti-depressant. I'll google me up some cymbalta. Remember that you can come here to talk.

[porphyrian]

10. Oh, I don't intend to keep paying this much...

As luck would have it, I missed the sign-up date to get insurance through my school, so they won't let me pay in installments (which would be near a grand all together). I hope to get some kind of job with benefits in the near future, but right now the most pressing thing is getting a place of my own. I've got an application in with a place I'd really like to get (and can afford), but I won't hear back from them until possibly next week. And, I've got to be out of my current apartment Tuesday or Wednesday. So, I may end up getting a very-temporary place for a couple of days. Then, there's always the chance that I won't be approved for the apartment I want, so I'll be back to square one. As a backup, I'm thinking about applying to a few more places, but everything I've found so far is more expensive, and some have application fees, which I would hate to pay and then get my first choice. There are also sublets I can get for a couple of months which I'm looking into, as another alternative.

[villager]

11. well, hang in there. Was able to wish the Ex "happy New Year"

today, after dropping off our boys with her -- that in response to her wish for the same. In the past, I mighta shrugged or grunted. But it does get better. And I realized, I really did want her to have a happy new year. Of course, I guess I hope that includes looking deeply at her "men issues," but nonetheless...

...and as for my issues, well, yeah, the economic stuff was a factor. I'm a writer -- somewhat less struggling (i.e., regularly in print) than when she met me, but short of writing for TeeVee, there are no huge paychecks in wordslinging in this culture. And she, too, wanted to be taken care of in the style to which she'd hoped to become accustomed.

But yeah, I probably cried more that first year than in any year since toddler-hood, too...

Take care of yourself, treat yourself with kindness. That's a big, ongoing, initial step...

[porphyrian]

12. Thanks, I'm working on it. - n/t