just had the first big fight with the ex over the kids

[leftofthedial]

we have a custody arrangement in which they spend three overnights every other week with me during the school year. My ex made a huge stink when we put together our separation agreement about our kids not staying with me on a school night because it would disrupt their school schedules and what they need is a "routine." I generally agree, but I believe the kids need me in their lives more than a couple of nights every couple of weeks. So, we went to mediation. FWIW, the mediator encouraged us to adopt everything I was asking for. We agreed that the kids (12 and 17) would be with me for the evening (not overnight) every other Thursday night and with me Thursday after school through Sunday evening the alternating weeks. We split holidays and school breaks 50-50.

Tonight, the night before they are to be here Thursday through Sunday, I get home to a message on my phone from the ex, informing me that she talked to the kids and decided (later she changed it to she and the kids decided) to end our trial and make all the Thursdays non-overnighters. This was not a request to change our existing parenting agreement enforced by the court. It was notice from her that things would change. I called her to tell her she can't do that without my participation in the decision, per the terms of the court order.

She defines trial as do Plan A for three months (an arbitrary period she and I never discussed and not specified in our agreement) and then switch to whatever she thinks Plan B is for three months and then let the kids vote. My understanding of "trial" was that it was a trick the mediator used to overcome my wife's rigid insistence on her way being the only way and that we would try it until and unless a problem arose. As for "Plan B," we never defined that either. Personally, I think Plan B might legitimately be a complete 50-50 split of parenting.

In any case, I think the right way to do this would be to discuss it with me, give each of us an opportunity to discuss it with the kids, and then reach agreement (or return to mediation in the event we can't agree). In fact, the agreement states that we make all such dicisions mutually. Instead, she tried to simply tell me things would change.

When I called her back, she immediately started in on the all-too-familiar pattern from the last 10 years of yelling at me, putting words in my mouth, veering into irrationality, changing the subject to bring other pet issues of hers into the "argument"--all this with my kids within earshot of her screaming, lying, mischaracterizing what I'm saying . . . I wanted to hang up, but I couldn't without some resolution.

She eventually agreed, in as nasty a way as possible, that we can't change our separation agreement without both of us being in agreement, so the kids will come spend the night tomorrow as planned. I'll get to discuss this with them and see if they have problems with the status quo--me and two kids who just heard a one-sided screaming match in which the screamer was misstating every thing I said, calling me names, accusing me of things that aren't true and shouting multiple times that I don't think the kids should have an opinion (profoundly and unambiguously NOT TRUE!). I'm having enough of an issue with my 12 year-old who is definitely a "mama's kid" and already has labeled me as the "bad guy" in the breaking up of our family, which is NOT true and is grossly unfair. I think I know where this perception came from.

I want what's best for the kids. That is paramount. But I won't let the ex bully her way into limiting my time with my children.

I mostly wanted to vent, but if anyone has advice about how to keep the ex's nasty negativity from influencing my relationship with my kids, I'd love to hear it.

[porphyrian]

1. Wow, that sucks.

Take the high road and don't bad-talk her to your kids, not that you do anyway. In fact, you might want to empathize with her somewhat, without undermining yourself. Explain your side of things as much as you can if you haven't already, and that this is inconvenient for everyone, not just them, but that's life. Make sure they know you love them, that you are their father, and that this will always be the case, despite what else happens. Then let them air their grievances, and try not to start fighting when they sound like your ex. You are not trying to fight through your children, you are trying to be their father in a difficult situation. Really listen to what they have to say and try to accomodate them without compromising your position. Also, be very careful about changing the mediated agreement. Once you do that, all bets are off. Good luck.

[leftofthedial]

2. thanks!

great advice.

[porphyrian]

3. I'm glad I could offer something. Let us know how it goes/went. - n/t

[LWolf]

4. 12 and 17

I don't know how laws differ from state to state, but...

at some point, kids get to make choices about who and when. Hopefully, at that point, one parent won't have undermined the other's parenting role, or won't be offended by whatever the kids choose. At 12 and 17, it seems like your kids should be reaching this point pretty quickly, at least for the 17 yo.

What's "best," as you've indicated, is that kids are not "divorced" from either parent, and don't have to choose between them. It sounds like the ex is trying to set them up for that choice, which is just not right. If she were acting in their best interest, she wouldn't put them into the position of having to choose. Remember that when you talk to them, and let them know you aren't going to ask them to choose between parents. In the long run, they will remember that kind of support clearly. Once they are not in anyone's "custody," the battle becomes moot, and they will spend time with parents who they feel safe from conflict with.

[leftofthedial]

5. thanks for the excellent advice

the kids are the main thing

I think we've worked this out to the benefit of the kids. the ex is definitely a controlling type of person, but I don't think she's "using" the kids.