Not separated but wife says she wants to "be friends" but no sex.

[DuaneBidoux]

My story is long and complex (but I'll make it short here). I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and came home from the hospital last July. Gradually it seemed our relationship got back to normal we were having sex about twice a month which for me was a wonderous gift. Then suddenly she said she's not interested anymore. I'm sure she's not having an affair.

She says she wants to be my "friend" and cares about me in many ways (just not that way)--she says she wants to stay married with a "changed contract." We have been married 23 years and I am still crazy about my wife but this rejection is simply heartbreaking to me.

[mrgorth]

1. I hate to tell you this

but you've got to go. That shit doesn't sail in my port. You're married. SHe's supposed to be your wife. Try counseling and if that doesn't work get out. Be fair to yourself.

[porphyrian]

2. Be honest with yourself about it.

Very few people are able to pull off that kind of relationship, but some do happily. You're more likely to become a rock star, or get struck by lightening, but it can be done. Unless you are the rare kind of person that can do this kind of thing, I have to agree with mrgorth.

[mduffy31]

3. Before my wife walked out

Our marriage counselor told me that i would have to understand if she did not want to have sex with me. Now I wasn't really all that okay with that seeing as she had spent the night with another man. I can't tell you how much it burned me up that the last man to see my wife naked and had sex with her wasn't me. I had some trouble with it. It was a cause of much tension, upon retrospect, I miss her now very much and would do anything for her to come back and try to fix things. Now that is my situation and I don't want to thread jack you. I would have to agree you have to do what is best for you. If this not an arrangement that you want I think you have to think about leaving. If I was you I would thank the gods that you had 23 years together, whereas in my case I didn't even get two.

[nashville_brook]

4. i've found myself reading a lot about love lately

take that fwiw, but i spend a lot of time browsing psych books. i kept coming across He's Not That Into You, and had a totally irrational, immediate reaction. like, here comes another pulp non-fiction post-feminist piece of crap. it would make me angry seeing it and i had no idea what it was about.

well, if left to my own devices -- with nothing beter to do, i'll also watch a lot of standup comedy in one sitting. i'm totally ashamed of this, but i watched greg behrendt's recent thing -- called Uncool -- and he talked about co-writing this book with another writer on Sex in the City. the point of He's Just Not That Into You is that if your mate isn't loving you in a way that you recognize as love -- you owe it to yourself to stop making excuses for them and find yourself the love you want to live the rest of your life with. in his act, it's much funnier.

i'm a woman. the cliche behrendt plays with is how women constantly make excuses for our 'men.' "he's not (calling/showing up/loving) because X, Y, Z. i totally don't buy that women are the only ones who do this. men do it too. you make excuses for us, too. it's not all one-way.

she's asking you to accept the new contract on the basis of your illness -- i know that's a leap, but trust me, it's what precipitated this. i just had a devastating illness and am dealing with my spouse abandoning me during it. think to yourself -- do YOU want spend the next 23 years of your life (likely to experience more health issues as we get older) with someone who is unable to nourish you emotionally? me, i know my body is going to get worse. there's no question. i absolutely can't go thru another hospital situation with a cold spouse. i'd rather be alone thankyouverymusch.

if i were to do a drive-by analysis, i'd say you both have codependency issues -- maybe she's a little narcissistic. she assuages her guilt for abandoning you by offering the potential of a non-intimate relationship -- this is challenging to you. don't try to fix her (i'm sure there's a deep-seated reason for her fear of intimacy). focus on what works for you.

your wellbeing is what's important.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/068987474X/qid=1146021936/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-3227353-8270267?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

here's a link to that book -- it's cheesy, i know.

[leftofthedial]

5. if you can't screw her

then screw her

[mrgorth]

6. I should also mention

that I have depression and anxiety so you're not alone in the mental health thing.