I'm confused. Help!

[crim son]

My husband and I are separating but for financial reasons are forced to live in the same house until it can be sold. We have separate bedrooms and this has been the case for five years. When we first agreed to part ways, there were tears and anger and accusations. Months have passed and this darned house won't sell. My husband, meanwhile, has bought himself a place ten miles from here and is pretty excited and happy about the new place. All well and good. Here's the problem. I think I want this divorce but even if I didn't, it isn't up to me. My husband and I are getting along very well, spookily well, now that we have agreed to split. It sounds crazy, but I don't know whether I should just go along with our cheerful camaraderie, or whether I should attempt to keep aloof. Such a strange situation but I'm sure somebody has been in my shoes before. Thoughts? I'm aware that this is a very slow-moving forum, but I don't see this house selling any time soon. This is a long-term "problem". Thanks. -Lisa

[porphyrian]

1. If you can stay friendly, by all means why not?

Separation and divorce are shitty enough on their own. However, I'm not sure I understand why divorce isn't up to you. Are you saying your husband wouldn't give you one if you told him you wanted it? Or are you saying you can't get divorced because the house won't sell? If it's the first, get a lawyer - I'm sure you can make it happen. If it's the latter case, watch some of those HGTV shows about people selling their houses to get some ideas. With a relatively small investment of time and effort, you can make just about any house sell for over your original asking price (unless you're asking way more than you should be now).

[crim son]

2. Ah, I never explain myself.

I mean he wants the divorce, so even if I decided I didn't, it isn't my choice. This is why it's confusing that he's being so kind. Maybe it's pity. Probably.

[porphyrian]

3. Oh, I see. Well, that changes things a little, but not too much.

Hopefully you don't want to stay married to him if he wants to divorce you. There's nothing more painful (to be in or to watch) than someone clinging to a doomed relationship. I know it's got to be a bit like being asked which limb you'd like to gnaw off, but that's how life sticks it in and breaks it off sometimes. Good luck on that part, and remember you can always vent here.

As to his being nice now, it could be for any number of reasons. Maybe the way things are now is just the way he wanted them, so he's feeling benevolent. On the other hand, as he's looking for a divorce, maybe he's trying to be as nice as possible in order to get the best settlement deal. Or maybe he's just a nice guy. I don't know anything about either of you, so I'm just stabbing in the dark here.

Whatever the case, take care of yourself, expect it to suck, and don't be afraid to unload it all on friends, family, us, a therapist, whoever, when you need to. It gets better in time.

[crim son]

4. Thank you porphyrian.

I appreciate your response. It does indeed suck but I am not clinging to him, not intentionally. Once we are physically apart it will no doubt get harder, and I'll be back to unload. :hug:

[porphyrian]

5. Don't mention it. We're all in this together. - n/t

[SPKrazy]

6. I'm Afraid I'm Following Your Shoes

Hopefully not for long though

I'm moving into another room in our house at least until sometime after Christmas. Unless there is some kind of brain infarct that changes my outlook dramatically, we are on the road an end.

I'm sitting here on the computer with my wife on the other couch, we are watching football, and I'm listening to music and posting on DU.

She's been nice recently, actually she's always been a "nice" person, we just don't deal with each other any more. Of course there's a lot more, and you know some of that.

I have a friend who married 4 years ago. His wife wouldn't move to this area from Northwest Arkansas for over a year. He was ready to leave her then. She moved down and he bought her a condo here with the intention that they were both going to live there. Instead she moved in and didn't want him to. For 2 more years I heard about this over and over until I wanted to go file the papers for him! He finally did, and now she's suddenly, while not moved in, spending time with him and he's just going along wondering what the hell? He still has the papers filed, he just hasn't had them served yet as he's waiting to see what happens. Who knows, do you and your husband talk about this? Maybe he is having a change of heart?

You are a loveable person Lisa and you just never know what will happen. He may be realizing he is not as ready to make it final.

But then, what do I know? I'm moving into my guest room. ;-)

[crim son]

7. He wants it to be final. I spoke with him this evening.

I suppose I should be thankful, then, that he is being nice.

I wish I'd never met a certain man. I wish this house would sell so I could begin the new life I have no choice but to begin. I wish I believed I wasn't going to be alone but I think I will be.

[SPKrazy]

8. Hang In There Crim son

I shouldn't just keep saying these things huh?

you are a good person, you are smart, you are sweet, you are fiesty, you are adorable, and since this isn't the lounge, I'll leave it at that.

You will find someone when you are ready to find them. Remember you don't want to make the same mistake twice. I believe that someone very wise recently told me that!

I don't want to make the same mistakes either.

But even if you are alone, someone in another area of DU said this:"I'd rather be alone than unhappy with someone else"

There are worse things than not being in a relationship. You will always have people that love you and care for you. Your kids, your family, your friends.

You are going to be okay sweetie! And so am I

:hug:

[leftofthedial]

9. stay amiable

but don't confuse this with reconciliation

I think most couples (other than the ones whose split is really nasty and hateful) get along better once the split becomes "real" to them. Much of the emotional kindling that fueled differences is easier to just let go of at some point and communication can actually improve as you both begin to develop clear individual agendae.