If I'm Doing What I Believe Is Right In My Situation

[SPKrazy]

Trying to see if there is any chance of reconciliation through counseling and time.

Then why do I really feel like just saying screw it all, I just want out?

And my wife seems to think she'd be content to have a platonic relationship and stay married. She knows it is about more than sex by a long shot. In fact our problems have little to do with sex period. Today we talked for a long time about where we are and where we are going. I don't know if she gets it. I made a suggestion to move into the guest room with the intention of it being a probable transition to a separation sometime after Christmas. Her response was not a happy one at first. I left and came back later and now it is like she is totally euphoric?

I don't know what I'm asking for here, support I guess more than any advice. Other's experience with a state of denial existing in your partner on this kind of issue.

In the meantime I've gone through every emotion over this, and I'm really just lost.

thanks

Steve

[SPKrazy]

1. The Euphoria She Had Is Gone

reality set in when I moved in to the guest room.

I'm not going to buy into the guilting or whatever else.

I have to make my decisions about what is right for me.

The denial is gone, so we deal.

Thanks

[nashville_brook]

2. hey -- sounds familiar

on denial and a "platonic" relationship... this is very similar to my situation. i went for 15 years in a "platonic" relationship. affection went one-way, from me to him. sex happened once a month. then once every couple of months. then hardly ever. 15 years i dealt with this, blaming myself, carrying the weight of forever feeling unattractive/unlovable. but that's not the worst of it. affection is a real human need. i'm a very affectionate person, and in the absence of affection coming to me, i kept pouring it out to him. "poor thing... his parents didn't love him. poor thing... he has sexual esteem issues. poor him... if only he grokked how much i love him, it would melt the iceberg."

what a waste of 15 years. oops, forgot to have children. oops, i lost all the financial security i poured into the partnership. oops, i lost my spirit for life.

staying married was a matter of failure vs success. he viewed our divorced friends as losers and gave us big pats on the back for "being successful." yeow. what a lie.

lack of sex was a symptom. the underlying problem was that there was only one person engaged in the marriage and it sucked the life out of me. try to separate the two. imagine life with a partner who GIVES freely of herself. imagine life with a partner who wants to snuggle up close on the couch or who initiates affectionate moments, sexual or not.

the final straw in my marriage was contracting an infection in my spine that put me in the hospital for months. not once did he show affection or worry. he would visit for a short while every day, but his demeanor was that i was stressing him out. it still took me two years to get myself together to deal with this. denial. my family even made excuses for him -- "oh, it's not only the patient who suffers. look, he's so depressed he can't even take care of himself." eh, he couldnt' take care of himself b/c he couldn't take care of himself. i was undiagnosed and in extreme pain for months and when he called on the phone it was always to ask "where do you keep the ____________." or, I can't find the ________________."

before my condition happened he had elective surgery for his sinuses. i was a wreck. i felt so bad for him having to go thru the pain and worried about the remote chance of something happening while he was under anesthesia. i was terrified for him. but when the shoe was on the other foot, i was a burden.

think about what it means to love. in my opinion, love is a verb. it's not something that people get to put away in a bank account. you don't just get to SAY you love someone and have it mean anything. love is something you DO. love is actively caring about another person, so you should be able to point to activity. like, when you move into the spare room, does the other person come and check on you? do they worry if you're comfortable or lonely?

best of luck to you in your course of action.