Just found out my husband is having an affair

[Qanisqineq]

God, I am so sick to my stomach right now. It hurts so bad.

We are living in Korea because my husband is in the army. He was sent to the US for 3 months for training. He's been gone a month. I happened to find a MySpace page that sounded a lot like him. On it was a link to her page. I pretended to be someone looking for an old friend and asked her if her boyfriend was "John Doe". She replied, "and you are?" A couple days later, she posted pictures. Him and her together, kissing, hanging out with her family, etc. I don't know if she knows he's married. On her site it says something like, "I don't deal with cheaters" and blah, blah, blah. When I found the MySpace that sounded like him (the age, town, birthdate, interests gave it away), I emailed him and asked him if it was. An hour or so later, the information on that site was changed -- his age and town. Yesterday he finally replies with, "no, it's not me". Um, apparently he doesn't know I've seen the pictures or he doesn't know she's put them up.

To make matters worse, he's apparently been with her before. There is a map where people say hello and it shows where they are saying hello from. On the map it shows him saying, "I can't wait to hold you in my arms again" from San Francisco (where he first landed in the US). AGAIN?

I am so alone and don't know if I can take this.

[knowbody0]

1. how horrific for you

no advice, just a hug:hug:

[Qanisqineq]

2. Thank you so much

I need hugs

:cry:

[knowbody0]

3. no doubt you will survive this.

I do have some advice now, advice given to me by my grandmother. "Don't let the asshole make you a bitter woman".

I have been in your situation, the pain was so deep. Have you confronted him yet?

[Qanisqineq]

4. no

he has said he wants a divorce because I am not happy but he denies that the one webpage is his and he apparently doesn't know that I've seen the pictures. I haven't mentioned those, in the 2 or 3 emails we've exchanged in the last week, because I don't want them taken down before his commander sees them.

I hate how one minute I am fine and the next I want to just die. The hours are dragging along so slowly.

[mrgorth]

5. I'm so sorry

I caught my ex in a divorce a few years ago. It sent me into deep depression for years and I'm still not completely over it. You may want to look at survivinginfidelity.com. It's a great resource and we are here for you. Feel free to PM me if you want.

[Qanisqineq]

9. that site has helped

When I am going through something, I always tend to think that I am the only one with all these strange feelings. Feelings different from other people experiencing the same traumatic event. It turns out, others feel the same way.

[knowbody0]

6. what a creep

I remember my time like that, it actually felt like all of my pores were bleeding. Here's another big hug sweetie, I am so sorry this happened to you. Try to save the photos in case he tries to destroy them. Fight for YOUR dignity.

[Qanisqineq]

7. thanks for the support

I keep swinging between anger to utter despair and then to numbness or even sometimes happiness. I found someone on DU that could take screen captures as some of the pictures on the site are animated gifs. I printed a few off and took them to someone in his chain of command today. That person (and all the others in his chain of command) already had heard what I said I saw but no one could believe it until they actually saw the pictures. He still couldn't believe it because I guess my husband bragged about me and talked about me constantly.

We have begun having conversations (if you can call them that) back and forth over email. He knows I've seen the pictures and claims "you saw what you wanted to see". WTF? He says she is a girl and a friend but not a girlfriend. Whatever. He doesn't admit the affair but he doesn't deny it either. He goes on and on about how he loves me but apparently not enough to take down the pictures and quit flaunting it on the internet. Or enough to stop the affair until we are divorced.

I can't help but feeling sometimes that I want to try to forgive him and see what happens. I guess I always thought it was so black and white when it came to a spouse cheating. Now that I am actually experiencing it, it isn't so black and white. Him refusing to admit it or stop it or stop flaunting it sure makes me want to call it quits for good but there are those moments where I see all my future plans gone and get scared.

Fuck --- that's all I can say. Fuck.

[mrgorth]

8. I know

I was willing to forgive me ex too. She stopped the affair to my knowledge but never loved me again so we inevitably got divorced over the root cause of the divorce...she was tired of me. The 2004 presidential campaign played no small part in that I can tell you.

[Qanisqineq]

10. what a complete and total asshole!

He isn't admitting the affair or denying it but saying, "you saw what I wanted you to see". WTF? Oh, and apparently he thinks he looks like it is all his fault and doesn't feel that is right. I don't care how bitchy I was as a wife, he chose to sleep with someone else and then advertise it on the internet! His first sergeant sent him an email apparently and now my husband says, "If they put me through a lot of shit when I come back, I am going to make this very messy and difficult for you." Oh gee thanks. Like it isn't already? What an ass. Don't put your shit out on the internet for the world to see. And once you knew I had seen the pictures, why the hell didn't you take them down? You are just taunting me and inviting me to show others that could make your life uncomfortable.

Wow, and to think I was almost wishing we could go to marriage counseling and try to get past this. Obviously he has zero remorse. He was an ugly piece of shit anyway.

[mrgorth]

11. Can you get out of there?

The hell with Korea. Come home.

[Qanisqineq]

13. that's what I am trying to do

to be very frank, I am not doing well. I have no one here. My husband continues to be a complete ass and acts like he never loved me ever. Everything we had planned is gone.

[swimmernsecretsea]

17. Contact some agencies

Even if they are in the US. Let them know that you need to escape a difficult and emotionally abusing relationship. They will help. They will put you in touch with people who can provide temporary shelter. Nothing is impossible, and nobody is alone. I know. God, how I know.

[porphyrian]

12. Wow, that really sucks. Hang in there. - n/t

[SeattleGirl]

14. I'm sorry you are hurting.

Is there some type of support group in your area that you could join? Or could you perhaps see a therapist to help you deal with this? I'm not suggesting that doing either would take away the pain; just that it might help you be able to deal with it better.

:hug:

[Qanisqineq]

15. The best thing happened to me today...

that has happened all week. I had a kidney stone! And no, I don't mean that my week has been so utterly horrible (though it has) that a kidney stone is good. No, I mean I had this great talk with the doctor while I was there. First of all, I was at the ER on the tiny army base here in Korea. Nothing ever happens in the ER there so no one had anything better to do than all crowd around me as I writhed in pain and then when I was all drugged up, the doctor just sat and talked to me. I started talking about my crappy week and the asshole (that's his nickname for the day -- it makes me laugh and I need that).

She (also military, of course) told me to stay here until he gets back. I'd be cutting it pretty close anyway so I wouldn't be putting it off by but a week, if at all, due to all the things that need to be done. She said that the training he is at, men/women go there and have all this time to party and many cheat on their spouses. They have this easy life and this new man/woman and care nothing about their family. Then they get back to their duty station, their job, and realize what an ass they were now that they aren't with this other girl, things aren't all parties, and they lost everything. She said, if nothing else, he'd get a healthy dose of reality and realize what an ass he was and what he is losing. I thought that idea was funny. Plus, I was told I would probably feel more closure rather than never seeing him again.

But, even better, we were talking about what my graduate degree was in and she knows some place on the army base that works in that same field and they take volunteers. She said to come back on Monday for my check-up and she would have talked to them by then. Something to do! And in my field! Oh good, something to look forward to and keep the hours from dragging on!

[knowbody0]

16. I'm smiling for you!

What a boatload of good advice you got! Plus attention, sympathy AND career opportunities.

Glad things are turning for you.

[swimmernsecretsea]

18. Well, that's good that you had someone to talk to about this.

More than anything, keeping it bottled up will hurt all the more, and make it difficult to function and think.

Now, I don't know if I agree with what she's said. That's the thing. I guess I can understand, but you'll need to get some counseling. If he won't go, go alone. You need a way to deal with your feelings and the dysfunction in the relationship. You also need a way to be strong and tell yourself that you can work without being in a relationship where you're undervalued and where your partner can say things like he's never loved you, etc, and think that an affair is a way to manage that.

[villager]

19. it's emotionally horrific, but you do actually get through it; my ex-wife did it to me

It's having kids that makes it harder; I felt I had to "protect" them from the truth about her, to make the divorce less painful for them.

Eventually, they'll come to know the truth.

Meanwhile, expect to feel lots of rage -- it's a violation (of a profound trust, for starters). I wish there was a shortcut through it; keep your friends at hand, get people to talk to. Take care of yourself.