probably very common emotions

[Gingersnap]

I learned 2 weeks ago that my husband of 13 years wants a separation, or something. He told me he has been feeling trapped and unhappy for 13 years and now wants to "focus on the good stuff" (seems to mean, just be friends) and "forget about working on the bad stuff" (living together, having a romantic relationship). He doesn't think it would be impossible to resolve things, but feels exhausted and like giving up. There have been ups and downs, but nothing that I thought either of us thought was a deal breaker. He had seemed particularly depressed and angry for about 8 months leading up to this, but always insisted that it had nothing to do with us (we both started demanding new jobs and were living in a new city, and he has always had a hard time with transitions, so I believed him).

Anyway, I'm shocked, feel betrayed, desparate and devastated. When I see him (he hasn't moved out yet--maybe I should?--but is staying with friends) it is like a switch went off, I can tell in his eyes that he no longer cares about me. But how can that be? How can you spend 13 years with someone and just blot it out overnight?

We're seeing a counselor, though he seems to see it as a way of handling the transition in our relationship, rather than as a way to resolve things. My heart is broken and I wish I knew how to get him to want to stay with me.

[SeattleGirl]

1. Ginger, I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

First off, let got of the idea that you can "get him" to stay with you. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't mean to be. I'm just saying that if indeed he doesn't want to be in the marriage any more, you might be able to somehow make him stay, but it would be more out of guilt, not out of a genuine desire to be there.

Second, my initial thought on reading your post was that maybe he just needs a "time out." I realize that may also sound harsh, but again, it's not meant to be that way. We all go through periods of time where we look at ourselves and say (in the words of "Mrs. Doubtfire"), "This is not my life." Sometimes we get past that and sometimes we don't, which means we may need to leave a situation, be it a marriage, a job, a city, or whatever.

I don't know if you saw my post a few posts down in this forum, but I want out of my marriage. It's not because I don't care about my husband. He's a good man. But for me, there are some essential things missing, things I'm tired of missing. I'm not saying this is the case with your husband; obviously, I don't know either of you, so cannot make any kind of guess or judgment.

I think it's good that you two are going to counseling, even if the outcome is not what you might desire. If indeed your husband does want out permanently, the counseling could help you in that transition.

Again, I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I hope for you that, however things turn out, your's is a good life.

[mrgorth]

2. I'm very sorry

you're dealing with this. I know what you mean by being able to tell that they don't care.

[porphyrian]

3. From what you're saying, it sounds like he's got something he needs to work out.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he's decided to work it out on his own, and you may not be part of his solution, fair or not. Or, I could be completely wrong, I don't know. Take care of yourself and hang in there. You've got some hard choices to make coming up. Remember that we're here.