My wife wants to divorce

[Chico Man]

I'll try to summarize this situation... I am incredibly emotional right now and I really need to just get all of this out. I've going to stream it out, so please forgive any grammatical mistakes..

My wife and I have been married for almost two years. We have a two year old daughter and a seven year old son. We've been together, exclusively, for 8 years.

Life has been good for us. My wife found out that she was a member of a very wealthy native american tribe about 6 years ago. She gets quite a bit of money from the tribe. I was a software engineer during much of the relationship. After my wife finished up school in 2005, I left the software industry to be a stay at home dad so she could get her own career jump started. I also returned to school, finished up my associates degree, and was accepted into Brown University for the coming semester.

She works at the Tribe's Indian history museum. We were living quite far away from her work, in Northern RI, and she had a very tough commute for just over a year. We looked at housing closer to her work, and eventually sold our home and moved about 20 mins from the museum. This was going to make going to school very tough for me, but I thought the two years I am going to be at the school would be worth it.

I also needed to cash out my entire retirement fund to help to pay for the new home. My wife instantly fell in love with the new home right when she saw it. She didn't have much of her own savings, and I was really quite hesitant to cash out my savings as it provides quite a bit of peace of mind. Also, I am concerned about paying for my schooling. But, alas, I decided to help make her dream come true and took the money to put down on the new home.

We have ups and downs in this relationship... with the two kids, things do get stressful and we fight sometimes. Since moving, she seems to have enjoyed her extra time and we were doing well. We were particularly concerned about the kids during the move, and tried to put aside any differences at least for the time being.

She has a very close friend that she talks to a lot. Her friend does not like me very much, and has always seemed to want to push me aside so she could live with my wife and they could raise the kids together. I actually overheard them talking about this one time.. after buying the new home her friend was like "you should get kick out soon.."

Anyhow, since Weds of last week I've been in Chicago for my cousins wedding. I returned home today and my wife notified me that she wants to divorce me. I start at Brown next week and this is completely devastating to me. She wants me to move out right away!!! She said she came to an epiphany while I was gone that she really didn't miss me at all. She thinks it would be better for the kids, that way they would not have to deal with us fighting..

This is so disturbing to me on so many levels. First, I cannot imagine being without my kids. Secondly, if really looks like she conned me into putting my life savings down just so she could get the house. Third, I start at Brown University next week and my wind is a complete mess!!! Fourth, her best friend was here all weekend and I'm not sure how much influence she had on the decision. And finally, she is taking more and more Xanax and I don't know what to think about that, and how it will affect the future of my children.

I'm completely devastated. I've poured my heart and soul into this family.. and into making the move as comfortable as possible. Just when things are finally settling down and I'm starting my dreams at Brown she decides to pull the rug out from underneath all of us. I think she is the most selfing and self centered person... I cannot believe she is going to put all of us through this.

We fought about this all day and into the night. It really looks like she is not backing down. I don't know if she has met someone new. She does not even want to go to counseling at all. I'm thinking I may be forced into getting a lawyer tomorrow morning before this goes any further.

I haven't cried in years and I spent a few hours this evening just sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know what to do.


=(

[YankeyMCC]

1. I can sympathize

I was hit with the same message about a month ago from my wife of almost 15 years. And like you I felt a little conned, I recently had to change jobs, I had to choose between a safe, stable but less lucrative position and a high paying, high stress position. We've been struggling for the past couple years and I told her that if she could recommit to making a go at a happy family life, committing to quality family time on the weekends and such she readily agreed. All this apparently after she had already decided she wanted a divorce (according to what she said when she finally broke the news to me) but she didn't say anything then.

A month later she tells me she doesn't love me and wants a divorce and that she knew she wanted a divorce for several months! WTF! Now I'm in a position where even though we are working for a legal agreement of joint custody my job requires frequent and someone unpredictable travel and I'll end up not seeing my son as much as I would've if I'd taken the other job. If I had taken the other job we might not have even be able to afford two rents/mortgages (whatever we end up with) in the community we want to keep our son in. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, not tell myself stories have hidden agendas, but still I feel betrayed in a major way.

[porphyrian]

2. I cried for a year after we decided to get divorced, and I'm not much of a crier either.

I had to abandon school, I just couldn't concentrate on doing the work. Now, I've got to pay off the loans. If you can manage even a single class, it may help you out in that arena.

Anyway, hang in there and take care of yourself. You can always come here and dump on us when you need to. Don't be afraid to get therapy and/or medication if you think you might need it, it can really help (I still cried for a year). It gets better with time, even though you probably can't believe that right now.

[mrgorth]

3. Sorry to hear

of what you're going through. I highly recommend getting a "pro-male" lawyer otherwise you might get severely shafted. I would also recommend reading the e-books available at womensinfidelity.com as there may be more to this than meets the eye. Get counseling soon and see a doctor if things get reall bad. Take care of yourself. It's OK to cry and feel bad. In many ways this is worse than death.

[safeinOhio]

4. Get the best lawyer you can afford

My wife of 3 years filed against me last Dec. I'm retired and had a great deal of savings that I invested in her home. Surprise, she wants it all. You've got the short time marriage in your favor, along with your investment in the home. Don't be surprised to, all of a sudden, be accused of all sorts of crazy crap. It's happening to me now. Just crazy stuff, even police reports. I freaked, then my lawyer explained that this is just so typical and the courts see it all of the time. I was told to get a female lawyer. I did and she is the best.
I've gone through a lot of different stages of emotions. After 8 months, I'm more in the accepting faze. I can now sleep 8hrs every once in a while. Good luck, take the high road and don't be afraid of getting some therapy. Because she is a cop, I had to move out of state to hide.

[Chico Man]

5. Thanks for the replies everyone

My wife filed on Friday. She warned me telling me that the judge may try to force me out of school and back to work for child support payments. My wife makes over $150,000 a year, and gets free child care. I make zero, just started at school, paid $15,000 cash for this semester which happened to be the last of my retirement savings, have been out of work for two year assuming homemaker duties, and have no desire whatsoever to return to the career of my past. I'm going to school to be a science or math teacher.. and hopefully any judge will realize that finishing my education is the best thing for my kids and for society.

So now she is not giving me any money at all to live off of, and is forcing me to live off the stash I put away as my legal defense fund. She laughs about the situation on the telephone with her friends, and taunts me daily. I'm keeping my cool, but finding it very difficult to concentrate on my schoolwork..

I had to get this off my chest.. maybe I can go back to studying now..

[mrgorth]

6. Life is

fucking cruel.

[porphyrian]

7. Hang in there, man. - n/t

[Sweet Freedom]

8. I don't know about the laws in your state, but

if you haven't worked for two years, you may qualify for alimony (expecially if she is making 6 figures.)

Your lawyer may also be able to freeze all assets. Not sure if RI is a community property state, but if it is, you're entitled to half of the money.

[villager]

9. well, my Ex also got a lot of toxic "advice" from "friends" during our split

Though in her case, since she was having an affair, the thing was actually over before it was over (though a lot of the "advice" led up to the affair, instead of friends/family saying "what the fuck are you doing throwing away your family like this?")

My point is, despite what you may want to do, her need to act out -- perhaps even wreck the marriage -- may be out of your hands. That's the toughest thing of all, watching people we loved, or who we though loved us, act out and leave such a wrecked emotional landscape around them.

We also have two boys. So my advice to you is: Take as good care of yourself as you possibly can through all this. Your children will need you (they need at least *one* non-crazy adult during this process!)