ADVICE PLEASE!!!

[Qanisqineq]

I have a thread in here on joint bank accounts and him not showing me what is going on. It's old though. I've gone back and forth with him on getting access to the accounts. He showed me the account statements online a while ago. Then the password changed and I forgot about it. Then he finally gave it to me again a few days ago. Right now he is out of town. I went to his computer and looked at his messenger. There is a woman's email address in the Contacts list. I called him and he said he didn't know how it got there. There are emails saying, "I saw your profile picture, contact me!" He says they are spam -- could be. How do I know? If you scroll down through the threads in this forum you will find one where he was cheating on me a year ago while in GA.

So, I do some more digging. On his computer is a link to a site where people write stories about their sexlife. Like the Penthouse or Hustler or whatever stories. He is a PAYING member. I find out his screen name as he has it saved on the site. I do a search online of this name. Two links. His profile is up at a BDSM site. He says, "SEEKING WOMEN FOR ACTIVE PARTICIPATION in Georgia". He told me all old accounts of any sort were deleted. And he said "I just went to a chat site to meet friends" (about this next site --> ). The other site is the site she told me she met him on. Account still there but I need a password to see it. I don't know when the last time either of these has been accessed; one says "more than 3 months ago" and the other I can't see.

I go to the bank statements. A recurring charge to some place called ifriends. Apparently a webcam place HOWEVER I dont' know if he actually used/uses it because there are a shitload of complaints against this place for fraud charges. Then there's another monthly charge to some bondage forum. WTF? When does he visit these? Then there are a shitload of charges through what I believe are online payment services: Chargepayonet; CCBill.com; INICIS internet. I can't even find out what these are for!

What do I do? I want to leave NOW but I live in KOREA. My family has plane tickets to come see me in May! I don't know how to get out of here. I don't know what to do. I am so scared.

Do I contact a lawyer? If so, what do I say? I only have the option of JAG lawyers.

edit: emoticon showed up that wasn't meant to

[CC]

1. Contact a lawyer now.

You know he has been doing something to break your trust or you wouldn't be looking through his computer. Print off everything you found and take it to a lawyer. Protect yourself first and it sounds like you need protecting. Not sure if it is him or you in the service but if it is him you have a lot of help, actually you do if it is you too.

It never hurts to talk to a lawyer, even if you decide not to go forward. They can at least tell you what your options are. Beyond the legal stuff you will need to decide what you can live with and want. After the lawyer a counselor would be good no matter what you decide to do. They can help you come to terms with what you need and can live with.

As for the family coming to visit, your needs and well being come first and I bet a caring family would feel the same. Talk to them if your relationship allows it.

Good luck and hang in there. You deserve better. Follow your instinct, it is right way more often than wrong. Denial is a cheaters best friend.



Edited for typos. Way too late at night for me.

[Qanisqineq]

2. Thank you for replying

He cheated on me last year while I was stuck in Korea and he went back to Georgia for schooling for a few months. I'm the civilian, he's the soldier. I found out about it because he wasn't talking to me and I just got pissed and started searching. I found a webpage on MySpace and it linked to his girlfriend's site. She had pictures and all sorts of crap.

He told me he only went looking for a friend online and it turned into more. I didn't believe him but I didn't think he'd have advertised for another woman so blatantly. I mean, I expected that he went to a chat site and just started looking but he has a profile up that states what he wants and everything! He told me all those accounts were deleted. Apparently not! If everything stopped last spring, I can get past that. I always suspected he was LOOKING for the sex even though he denied it.

But how can I believe he was done with any kind of flirting/chatting when the profiles are still up AND there are charges to other sex chat sites that are current?? He'll tell me "oh, they probably got my info off the other sites and are charging me even though I don't subscribe". I don't know the username or password he is using for these sites if he is an actual member.

I am so tired of the lies and secrets. He has been promising counseling for a year and never will go. I am scared to leave Korea alone. I would have to find my own movers to send my stuff home. I would have to go back alone with my 4 cats. Pick up my car in LA and then drive to who-knows-where. It was easier leaving my boyfriend years ago when I could go out and look for an apartment in the same city and I already had a job.

[CC]

3. I would definitely go get a

lawyer, specially since you can get a JAG lawyer. You sound so unhappy (can't blame you) and sounds like you need something to change. Since he is in the military you do have options that average person doesn't. Maybe go talk to the lawyer to see what your options are there. I would also seek out counseling. Not that anything is wrong with you but more to have someone to talk to that does not have an emotional connection to the whole situation. They can help you decide what is best for you. With him being military they may be able to force him into counseling but not sure how much good that would do. All you can do is take care of yourself and decide what is best for you. You have they right to do that and deserve it. It is not being selfish or anything like that. At the minimum you deserve someone that you can trust and that will treat you with respect. :hug:


I also understand the being scared to move so far and all the hassle it could be. Just start with baby steps and see what you options are. That can give you a sense of empowerment and control over your self and your life.

[elleng]

5. Qanisq.

the things that feel like HUGE hurdles are obstacles, but try to recognize that while they are a pain, you can overcome them; millions of us have done so.

YOU can be, and should be, in charge of your life, and whatever your age, you should take this challenge as an opportunity to begin making a new life.

I don't know what the military would do for you, but as for movers, well, is there a phone book or listing on internet? Call a couple and ask what their services include (boxes? packing for you? pick up? delivery to where? priced based on what? weight? number of boxes?) Animal transport? How did you get them there? If you didn't, inquire of movers and other people. Would friends adopt them? Still have a driver's license, and remember how to drive? Know how to read maps? Member of AAA, for travel info and help?

Make a list of things to do, and cross off items as you accomplish them. Step by steps, can be accomplished. We here have done it all, and will help.

Get out from under the cheater if you really can't put up with it. If you can, and/or don't mind a cheating liar (I'm not joking here, some would rather stay with something they're familiar with,) then make the most of what you've got.

And keep in mind that the time is yours; if you CAN wait for family to visit, maybe they'd help with some of your concerns.

GOOD LUCK.
PEACE.
KEEP IN TOUCH.

[Old Hickory Fan]

4. Are you downloading this to CD or Thumb Drive? NT

[Boudica the Lyoness]

6. Hi

I don't know about the other stuff but I get emails from women saying "I saw your profile picture, contact me!" I'm a woman too and this is just spam. I've also been getting invites to IM and chat and stuff from strange girls.
Good luck.