Advice from divorced fathers

[hogwyld]

Hi everyone, it is looking like my wife doesn't love me anymore, and is talking about a separation. We all know where that ends up. I'm curious as to how the legal system will consider things. Will there be a fair settlement, or can I look forward to a lifetime of ramen noodles and sleeping in my car? Will the courts award the house, purchased with the proceeds from a house bought before the marriage to her? Will all of my retirement savings be seized? Sorry for so many questions, but this is my first "rodeo".
There are 2 children ages 8 and 5, and she wants sole and complete custody, with minimal visitation. She's even talking about moving out of the state, or even out of the country.
As you can tell from my rambling, I'm pretty distaught, and still in a state of shock. SHe's already said no to counseling, or mediation of any sort. So, don't sugar coat it, how screwed am I? We've been married for 8 years, and she doesn't work outside the home. Thanks for the sympathetic ears.

[Callalily]

1. Go see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY!

The courts do not allow sole custody of children to one parent unless there is a VERY GOOD REASON. Only you know the answer to that one. Additionally, the children can not be taken out of the country w/o your permission. Child support will be affected if children are taken out of the state.

I don't know your circumstances, but please see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY.

Good luck!

[hogwyld]

2. Thanks for the advice! Went to see a lawyer

I had to go to a couple as she apparently "poisoned the well" by seeing a couple of them for an initial consult, and thus couldn't see me due to conflict of interest stuff. Anyway, you're right that she can't get sole custody. Whew! Anyway, I was going through her computer, and it looks like she's going to seek $1100 per mo per child, plus $1k alimony. That should leave me a whopping $600 mo to live on. She's looking to keep the house, and 2 of the 3 cars, plus 1/2 of all 401k funds. The lawyer said he should be able to get some of that stuff down. She hasn't said anything to me officially, and she doesn't know I found the stuff on the computer. Also, I found out she's enrolled in some online dating sites apparently. I'll keep you updated. Thanks again for the valuable, life saving advice.

[Callalily]

3. I'm glad that you went to

see a lawyer. Maybe it would be a good idea for the lawyers to talk to each other, leave the negotiating to them.

People get confused about "getting the house". One spouse has to buy the other spouse out. One spouse does not get the house "free and clear". You both built equity in that house and share that equally.

Alimony? I didn't think people got that anymore. Hmmmm . . . your lawyer certainly can get that reduced.

I know this is painful and will continue for quite some time. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Good luck!

[mrgorth]

4. Where

do you live brother?

[hogwyld]

5. I live out in the boonies of Oregon

I'm just glad I don't live in California. My friend got taken to the cleaners BIG time.

[villager]

6. Yeah, I'm really wondering where the hell this idea that divorce is "easier on the men" came from

My Ex has the house, and refinanced her share of the debt.

I have my share of the debt.

That said, because I yielded my half the house (in exchange for some free and clear intellectual property -- and so my sons would be disrupted as little as possible), our mediator told the Ex there was no way she'd be awarded child care on top of that. She was already sitting on most of the wealth generated by that marriage.

I slept in the spare room at a friend's house, the first year after.

She stayed in the house.

And headed off to Jamaica with the new boyfriend, etc.

Sheesh.

But: I have a great relationship with my sons, and see them all the time!

[CANDO]

7. Some sites I found helpful

www.womensinfidelity.com
www.marriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.survivinginfidelity.com


good luck