So now the Ex told me she's getting back together with the car salesman she admits is abusive

[villager]

Verbally abusive, for what the distinction's worth.

And an alcoholic.

She had a breakdown last fall, and went to the hospital for a couple weeks. I stayed in "our" old house -- now hers -- to live with our boys, get them off to school, etc. Right around election time, actually...

Our marriage -- the anger always trumping any tenderness -- ended when she had an affair with a car salesman. She's broken up with him, and gotten back together, half a dozen times since then.

After her hospitalization, she seemed serious about dealing with her depression, and other issues that went untended -- or were cast as being entirely "my fault" -- during our marriage.

I told her, after that, that for the first time since our marriage ended, it seemed like some sort of "friendship" (or at least, some non permanent war footing) might be possible.

I mean hey, if humanity can do it with the Cylons, right? ;-)

So, things have okay-ish with her, relative to how they usually are between us.

Then today she lets me know she's been seeing the Car Salesman again.

I was able to talk to her about it, rather than screaming -- told her she was sounding a lot like Rhianna, with all her equivocating, and that frankly, she deserved better -- someone who could treat her with kindness.

I also told I realized I was powerless over her choices, but I thought this was a particularly poor one, even from a parenting standpoint. I also was finally able to tell her I always resented that I bent over backwards to please her, and wound up sleeping on couches, and this guy abuses her and abuses her and she can't wait to rush back.

She said she understood. I said she couldn't, but then she said, well, at least she was able to listen.

In any case, I'm really realizing there's nothing I can do about whatever shitty choices her depression and low self-esteem cause her to make.

And I have been stuck -- emotionally, geographically -- trying to protect my boys against them.

It's time to move on. Not from my sons, of course. They're the loves of my life.

But from any notion, or at least expectation, that my wife will "wake up," or suddenly "be better..."

I mean, that's out of my hands. As are her destructive decisions.

Nor do her decisions require me to be enraged at her all the time.

All I can do is tend to my own healing, in order to be here for, well, myself, and thus, my sons.

[elleng]

1. Good luck to you, Villager,

in healing and being there for your sons.

I'm working on the same, but daughters are not exactly here for me.

[villager]

2. I'm sorry to hear about your daughters, and healing wishes back at ya, elleng!

Latest twist in my story is that the Ex had planned to go out of town with the Salesman for a couple days, taking his son and my youngest.

And she canceled at the last minute, because he showed up drunk....

That, at least, is some progress...!

[comtec]

3. How are things progressing?

I think I understand the utter powerlessness you feel with regards to trying to help.
I hope your boys are doing as well as can be expected.
what is the possibility of gaining custody?
It sounds like things at her place are really unstable - emotionally - and not conducive to raising healthy kids.
my wife and I dont have kids, just a dog n cat, which will stay with her.

How do you rebuild after being told you're not good enough?

[villager]

4. heh. She's been living with the son-of-a-bitch -- in my old house!

For several months now.

He sits on his ass a lot watching sports. Man, if I knew the way to get some sports-watching time there was to be an abusive alcoholic, maybe I woulda tried it!

She's forced him into 12-Step meetings, though, and temporary sobriety. I suppose for my sons' sakes, I should hope it sticks, but since it really wasn't his idea -- he's doing it to keep his gig of the free trim and subsidized housing going -- I wonder how long it will last...

Sigh...

[SheilaT]

5. Is there any chance

you could get primary custody? That way her dumb life choices won't impact your sons.

I never cease to be amazed at how self-destructive so many people can be.

Oh, any chance of her getting some kind of therapy?

[villager]

6. Well, in California, primary custody is very hard to get...

...and the 50/50 split is generally working (though eldest has spent the last 10 days with me!)

She's in 12 Step too, I think -- but I keep waiting for that "amends" step of hers! ;-)

(Or is that too unrecovered of me!?)

[SheilaT]

7. Have you talked to your attorney

about what's going on?

I would think her having a live-in relationship with someone who is abusive, would make her look like a less than desirable parent.

[villager]

8. Well, since the "intervention" she had for him, he's been sober...

...going to 12-Step, etc.

My youngest reports it's an easier household to be in, now.

Though I've told the Ex that if he falls off the wagon, it's "Child Protective Services Time" if she doesn't kick him out...

[comtec]

9. How are things progressing?

I hope things have marketably improved for you, work, etc.

[villager]

10. Thanks for asking.... it's a mixed bag

It's been a really tough year, financially (not just for me, of course) -- but some of that is exacerbated by the "legacy" of the divorce settlement.

She got the house (better for my sons, though), I got my intellectual property back (I write books), though the former has held its value, as it were, better than the latter. Thusfar, at least.

Her car salesman is there, a weird kind of furtive presence (at least when I'm around to pick up the boys), but the Ex is generally easier to get along with.

Still, every time I see him in that house (which I loved, along with the neighborhood), I feel the same way I do seeing Republican elected officials: Don't assholes ever feel the pinch of karma?