Need to vent a little about my divorce and ask for opinions.

[lady raven]

First, I hope this doesn't offend anyone here who is feeling sadness about their own divorce. Mine was a blessing and I wish I had done it a lot sooner. In fact, the only reason I don 't regret ever meeting the man is that I had, with the aid of his DNA, a wonderful child.

My ex was a sociopathic con artist who used me for the 7 1/2 years we were together. I saw the beginning of the end shortly after the wedding- I was unhappy and knew things weren't right- just didn't realize that it truly was the beginning of the END. He was a lousy husband and a WORSE father. He dragged the divorce out for THREE YEARS because he knew how badly I wanted to be free of him.

Anyway, He has VERY little to do with our son. He rarely contacts me to see him, so I am left contacting HIM on behalf of our child so he can see his Dad. Tonight I accidentally copied him on a personal email (something about my twins that was meant to go to everyone in my address book BUT him) and got a bizarre response, telling me how ever since the divorce was finalized I have been contacting him constantly (My son has wanted to see his father and he hasn't been answering the messages asking him to see his son, so I have had to email him a couple more times) and that he hopes it I wasn't using our son as a "ruse" to get to him.

I will admit that I am always polite and civil when dealing with him. That is ONLY for the sake of our child. However, nearly every time I take our son to him, he comes out to "chat" and keeps me there until I stop being polite and extract myself. He keeps me on the phone, complaining about his health or his finances, when I call to make arrangements to get him and our son together. When he drops him off, instead of waiting in the car until he comes in the door (I usually watch for my son and go out to greet him), my ex gets out of the car and comes up. I am polite even though I have no desire to talk to him.

In the three years since we split, he has told everyone who will listen that I have tried to get back together with him (Believe me, there isn't a chance in HELL I would ever want that) and I have never done or said anything that could have caused a reasonable person to get the wrong idea, that I was "obsessed" (I avoid him as much as possible, and if we didn't have a child together, I would have never spoken to him again once we split), etc.

That upset me a bit, but I kept it to myself because it wasn't true and who cares... Bitter exes do that stuff all the time, so I have learned to ignore it.

But now that he has said something to ME, I'm wondering if he really believes what he's telling people.

It may sound like an overreaction, but I already know my ex to be very vindictive and vengeful, and if you add delusional into the mix, it makes me wonder if I should worry. I tend to be a worrier by nature.

Sorry if this is a bit rambly- I'm very tired and sleep deprived after a family trip and I'm bugged by this now to boot.


Raven

[elleng]

1. Hi, Raven.

Separated here, working on 'legal' separation. Just want you to know that he ('j') lies about whatever's 'convenient' for him, some serious stuff, some 'trivial,' and I'm concerned about consequential damage to relations with daughters (21 and 24.) Not looking forward to dealing with legal issues, but I have a good lawyer.

If you're worried, I'd consult with your lawyer (assuming you had one) about anything to protect you. j is also vindictive and vengeful, so hope to protect myself for the future.

Good luck.

:hi:

[lady raven]

2. Thank you!

Thank you for your response. I appreciate the support. I did call my lawyer today and told him about it, and he says that at this point nothing can really be done legally (which I knew, of course) and couldn't offer any advice other than legal advice. But at least I tried.

Hubby and I talked about it today and are going to beef up our home security a bit. He figures (and is right) that it's not going to hurt anything to make our home more secure. If my ex turns out NOT to try anything weird, at least our home and family will be safer.

I am going to stop contacting him about seeing our son. I'll let HIM contact ME. Our son doesn't ask to see him that much anyway. I already try to minimize contact, but it CAN be minimized more than it is now, so that is what I am going to do.

I already contact him by phone only when ABSOLUTELY necessary. Ever since the split, I have wanted to keep everything in writing so I can prove what is said. I have decided that phone contact, unless it is an emergency, is no longer acceptable unless I figure out a way to record ALL of my cellphone calls.

So I'll just try to play it as safe as possible and keep an eye on things. If things get weirder I'll figure out what to do THEN.

Thank you again.

[SheilaT]

3. You may not be able to record

cell phone calls, but always take notes.

And if friends say that he's saying you want him back, always, always politely say that no, you don't want him back and you have no idea why he'd say that. By not responding you run the risk of leaving the impression he's right.

Also, is the visitation court mandated? There's a slight chance you'd get into trouble if it is and you never contact him about it, although he should also be taking the initiative.