don't think i will survive the hubby's midlife crisis.

[mopinko]

we have been together for 25 years, 4 kids. he was an ass a lot of that time, and we nearly split 5 years ago. i haven't had a job in all that time, so we are still together in no small part because of the tender trap that is children. but things got a lot better after that near breakup, with him apologizing many times for all the asshole things he pulled.
he turns 50 this year, and has had a few of those midlife knocks that make you brood. i had a beauty of a one myself, in fact that was pretty much what led to the near split. up until then, he met my angst with bullshit. i have already told him that i have no intention of going back to the way it used to be. if he wants to relive his childhood, or whatever the fuck, he has to continue to be decent and respectful. we have had 3 'events' in the last month that are right back in the old manipulative bullshit bag.

trouble is, i am still in that trap. the kids are big, and i have been trying hard to make it as an artist. if we split, i give up that dream.
fuck all.

[elleng]

1. SO SAD for you, mop.

I LOVE your 'he met my angst with bullshit,' as I am JUST NOW preparing a response to my 'stranged husb's request that I 'work on' tuition loan for our 22-yr old daughter. Husb has so far refused to provide me with proceeds/my share from sale of house, so I've had to sue him. He is FULL of bullshit. So I'm gonna tell him, 'I'll help if you agree to engage in ADR as required by the Judge.'

(P.S, he has plenty of $, so tuition could be paid in full today if he chose to do so.)

You know that we DUers will help with your dream.



:grouphug:

[mopinko]

2. yeah, one of the things that helped keep it together this long

was knowing just how ugly it would be to divorce him. his brakes will come off, and whoa boy.

i wish du'ers could do something about my dream. part of the fuel for this particular fire is that we have been trying to buy a little place in galena, il, so that i could put a clay studio out there, and get some more undivided time to work. but it is all a money pit. hell, i blew $1k this summer doing art fairs where i sold pretty much zip. i have yet to sell anything but little trinkets.
i just can't stop myself from thinking that if i had stuck to my guns 5 years ago, i would have moved on by now. he is a good person in a lot of ways, but he is pathetically un-self-aware. even tho i know that he is in a bad spot, he doesn't get it.

[mopinko]

11. well, the house deal looks like it went south on me.

the realtor stacked the deck for another bidder, and i appear to have lost. haven't had the courtesy of a phone call, but fannie mae's website says the house is 'under contract'.
which leaves my in a quandary. we thought all along that if this fell through, we would go with a different house that we both liked, him especially. but if we are going to split, i will end up having to leave my current house more or less permanently, and be exiled out there. i want to work out there, but i never had any intention of leaving the home i live in now, or leaving chicago altogether. the second choice is more money, too, so hanging on to both would be even harder.
i thought i was going to get some breathing room. but it appears i will be further smothered.

[elleng]

12. Don't understand fully; 'second choice?'

I suggest, don't split/leave home or Chicago. I've been 'without' 'home,' and in spite of relying on kindness of 'strangers,' its not home, kids know it, and still 'wandering.' (as long as he's not abusive, that is.) (That's my Thursday morning 'quarterback' suggestion, fwiw.)

:hug:


CALL the realtor!

[mopinko]

13. he's on the west coast

driving home from la. the long way.
i did email him.

[mopinko]

14. nothing to be done. realtor tried to do what he could.

his boss wasn't gonna go to bat over a sale this small (to them), fannie mae swears everything was up and up. in the meantime, i can't see risking the home i have now.
using the d word here, tho. he says he doesn't want to take the texas job. i knew he really didn't, he was just hoping that i would tell him no, and he could be pissed at me instead of owning his own shit. ladeedah.

[mopinko]

3. well, it's devolving into open warfare

when you fight back against the person who is subtly jabbing at you with every question in every conversation, you are the hysterical one. when you freak out when you have just put in an offer on a place to get away, a place that you have been trying to get your hands on for 6 months, and the person with the money declares that he just now realizes that he doesn't understand the financing options, you are the crazy one. he was as much the one that wanted to buy this place as i, but he said all along that it was my place to work, so it was my deal. i knew he didn't believe that, and he was going to erupt at the worst possible moment, and he has.
he admits that he hates me. not aaallllll the time. just when i am being a shrew. just when i don't play the stupid games he plays. just when i am not a nice quiet little piece of meat.
sigh. :crazy:

[elleng]

4. Oh, Dear mop!

And I DO know! According to 'him,' I was/am 'sick,' incapable, etc, etc. Tells adr 'negotiator' and court, and probably our daughters and his family, tho been subjecting me to emotional abuse for 20 years, and physical too!

So 'funny,' 'he' didn't understanding our refinanced mortgage, as if doing the deal was my idea and I didn't tell him the details and he didn't agree and sign. AND the s.o.b. works at SEC! 'Duh, she did this evil thing! and I didn't know!'

Well, I've taken my first affirmatively aggressive move, told him I'd help with tuition loan application IF he will contact attorney and say he's ready to return to negotiations AS ORDERED BY JUDGE! Haven't heard anything, since.

Actually had the gall to sign a note to me, 'recently,' 'I really do love you.' Sociopath has no idea what the word means and signifies.

So you and I are in 'this' together, mop.

:pals:

[mopinko]

5. oh, now we are all nicey-nice

cuz he went to the bank and they told him what i told him, so now he can believe it.

and i tell ya, if this ends up with a divorce, i will get the meanest lawyer in chicago. not cuz i want to screw him but because i have to. i will be screwed if i don't.

he has been talking about doing contract work, which will involve travel. i wish he would hurry it up already. he needs to make some sort of change in his life, and travel and more money would likely do a lot. just pisses me off that i am smart enough to see that this is coming out of his quite understandable midlife frustration. smart enough to keep talking about that even in the midst of a shootin' war. but he is too stupid to see how this is coming from him. me- emotional and emotive, with a strong mechanism to channel and examine it. him-wrapped tight and emotionally ignorant, always in denial. hmm. i must be the crazy one.

i tell ya, if any of my daughters think for a second about being dependent on a spouse, i will kill them.

[elleng]

6. EXCELLENT that he now understands financing,

AND that he may be travelling, AND more $!

Lets try to not be pissed off that we were/are right! Lets prevail with a smile!

[mopinko]

7. honestly, i love him. i think he sincerely loves me.

he only hates me when i fight back. to which i say i welcome that hatred. or at least i do later on.
i just want to stay out of his way while he goes through a painful period that i can't help him with. please fannie mae, take our offer. let me do some traveling, too.
sheesh. love sucks.

[elleng]

8. Happy to hear of your love.

Me, I ain't got it any longer, esp as he's used (and 'abused') daughters against me, as he has.

Good Luck w your project!

[SheilaT]

9. My personal advice to you

is to move on as soon as is realistically possible.

It's scary. I was married for 25 years, stay home mom, two kids. Lucky me, I'd worked on my own for some years before we ever married (I was 32) and so I have decent skills. Just be realistic, get the best possible job you can, and do whatever is needed to better yourself. I'm guessing you're no older than 50 yourself, and trust me, you are plenty young enough to get some kind of new training. Okay, so you're never going to be a CEO of some major corporation, but heck, you might not have made it that far even if you'd gone to Harvard Business School back when and never married, or never had kids.

Go to your local junior college (I hope you have one) and see what kind of testing and programs they have for people like you. Many of them do.

DON'T hold out for your dream job. I know nothing about making it as an artist, but I suspect that's really not a good financial way to go. If you're even remotely good with numbers accounting jobs seem to be readily available.

And don't back down from what you deserve, no matter what.

Keep us posted.

[mopinko]

10. i'm 56 and taking graphic design classes

right now. half way through a certificate program at a big art school. i should be done next summer. actually have a small freelance job now, but it made me realize that i could specialize in campaign material. i have the connection to get started, i think, and a knowledge base that allows me to write copy and all. most of the print stuff i have taught myself, but i really need to get some web training.

he said something this weekend that sort of has my stomach twisting. we had a big fight (the only kind now, because i just will not be a good girl.) and afterward he told me that he just needs to feel the love flowing to him. that he wishes i would come over and hug him every time he comes in the room. yeah. just call me mommy.

and no, there is no money in art. it is a money sink. at least for me it is. but i might be able to get a clay studio set up and rent spaces to other clay people if i can work a deal for some property out in galena, il that we are looking at. it is about a 3 hour drive away, and my plan was to commute back and forth a few days at a time. i will have to come back for school. i love this house, and will miss it. but i am tired of being mommy, and think i will spend a lot of time out there.
if i can get freelance work, i might make enough to get by without getting the money chain yanked. we do have some money in a 401k that i could be taking in 3 years if it was split and in my own name. we do have 4 kids in college right now, all 5 next year. so i think the whole money thing will be deep.

thanks for your words.

[mopinko]

15. oh joy. we are at the subversive anger phase.

making dinner, but not telling me that it is there. mmm.
i think this is day 4 of walking around the house not speaking or making eye contact. fun fun. see how much he loves me?

[mopinko]

16. well, he is off to california for a week. some breathing room.

off to a geeky conference. hopefully he will hit on some consulting work. i have been looking at artist residencies a little. that might be a help. i think he really needs to spend some time without me. maybe then he will see that i am not the root of all that is wrong with his life.

[mopinko]

17. back from his business trip

walked in with his big "i'm sorry, this was all my fault, ....." to which i answered "it doesn't matter. it's too late for that."
so we dance around each other, and he tries to be good. 2 weeks since i told him i thought we should talk about a divorce, and he has said absolutely nothing about it. 2 weeks i have been sleeping on the couch. and this right here is the problem, and he knows it. he blows things up, then cannot, cannot, cannot be the one to start the conversation to put them back together. he was able to do that the last few years, after our last split. now he has forgotten how, i guess. so we just soak in it.

i am going back to a therapist that i was seeing for a while. i see her tomorrow.

[elleng]

18. Good to see therapist. p.s., its never too late, imo.

:hug: