you know, the worse thing for me- losing my house.

[mopinko]

we have lived here for 25 years, and i have done so much work on this house. i always said i would only leave here feet first. i invested so much in this place. this block in this ward in this city.
even if i got the house, as part of a 50/50 split, that would be all i would get. and then i would have to keep it up. taxes, utilities, repairs, with no money. i can't do it.
and we just got the biggest parts done. i just built the coolest window seat, something i have always wanted. there are mosaics that i did. finally have a beautiful library. there is the bathroom that is handicap accessible. there is the bathroom with the big whirlpool that is tiled all the way to the ceiling. stripped so much woodwork. we finally got all the windows replaced. it is finally something to really be proud of.
so much of me here.
and now i have to walk away.
i just don't think i can bear it.

[elleng]

1. Dear mop, I think you may not have to.

He DID say 'i'm sorry, this was all my fault,' and you are seeing therapist. I regard these facts as quite positive, and encourage you to accept a positive point of view. Please. Try.

:hug:

[mopinko]

2. had a long talk last night.

yeah, only took him 2 weeks to respond to my telling him i thought we should get a divorce. see the problem? i was goddamned if i was gonna be the one to start the ball rolling.
i stood my ground, tho. i'm not gonna be 80 years old and wondering if i am gonna lose my house and starve. he's always sorry, until the next time. dr jekyll and mr hyde.

he admits he is depressed and having some midlife troubles. he lost his best friend recently, very unexpectedly. died of cancer within days of being dx'd. didn't find out until after he died. he had one other really close friend that he lost over me. that one is still very painful for me several years later. so, that is sorta something i could help him with and sorta something that i couldn't.
but he really has to do this shit himself. and he can't accept that i am not saying that to be mean. i can't help him. i would if i could. but he has to do it himself. he has other crap to come to grips with, too. he has to sort it out.

in the end my biggest goal right now is to right my own ship. we will be on some different footing when i have some independence. i really need work. i have tried as hard as i could to get the art thing going. 10 years of working it. i am not nowhere, but i am not where i can make any money. the graphic design stuff with lead to something. if i can freelance that, i can maybe keep making art. thinking i might be able to get a little campaign work, too. i am apparently an epic canvasser, so says the intern who was tasked to get me to put in some time. so, who knows.

[comtec]

3. I have a similar problem

this trip back to the us, will be my last actually.
I'm not returning.
i'm going to miss my house alot.
and my dog
maybe even the country... that's to be decided in the future.
we're already discussing what we're going to do as far as compensation for xyz.
who ever is keeping something has to pay 1/2 the ebay-able value of it.
our wood furniture will pretty much be 1/2 of what we paid as wood keeps it value.
etc.
it sucks.
but it's civil.
When she sells the house, she'll pay me half of the profit (which may not be much right now)

it doesn't matter, sometimes, how civil it all is, because im still a complete wreck.
but it'll be over soon, and I have to rebuild from nothing... yet again.

But I will survive, and so will you.
We will both survive this because we have to.
complete, permanent breaking isn't a part of my personality, and it doesn't seem to be a part of your's.

It all sucks. It sucks beyond words, and what your husband did with his personal revelation, and how he did it is complete bullshit.
But it's all prologue now.
:hug:

[SheilaT]

4. Don't be afraid to leave the house.

I know, it's incredibly difficult, especially as you've put so much work in it. But unless you can afford the upkeep and taxes and whatever it takes, don't for one moment cling to it. Starting all over, starting some place new can be more liberating than you might realize.

When my marriage came to an end after 25 years, I moved 800 miles to a totally new place. Best thing I ever could have done for myself. I was angry and unhappy for about two years, but for the past six months or so it's been completely different. And starting anew in a new place with all new furniture (I saved every spare penny for over a year to be able to do that), new dishes and silverware, all that meant I was constantly surrounded by things that reminded me of my ex and of the marriage.

And even if you do walk away, I know you'll have regrets forever, and you'll miss it forever. Sometimes, the hurt never goes away.

[mopinko]

5. we thought it would always be here for our kids to come

home to if they needed to, that other relations could get an opportunity to go to school in chicago, that it might even stay in the family for the next generation. have 3 1/2 kids living here still.
it really is a special place.

i know what you are saying, tho. you may be right. i don't think i would really be able to find a place to live in chicago that would be less than the upkeep on this place, tho. which leaves me with moving somewhere far away and cheap.

you are right that i will miss it forever. might as well try to just get used to that.

[SheilaT]

6. Since I don't know you,

I have no idea how you will really respond to that idea. But I'm trusting that if you simply acknowledge that if you leave it, you may very well miss it forever, and that acknowledgment will in the end help you to adjust to the loss.

It is a genuine shame that the kids and grandkids won't have it any more to return to. The memories that are built up over the years really do matter.

[Coexist]

7. I'm so sorry