anyone ever heard of or done this-

[mopinko]

http://www.gottman.com/

http://www.gottman.com/57326/Research.html

my therapist says this "school" of thought is worthwhile. i put it in the hubby's court that if he wants to keep it together (which he claims) he is going to need to grow/learn some emotional intelligence, as he has none.

things have been mostly civil and quiet as i slog through school and job search. he would fall right back in to the marriage if i gave him a tiny nudge, but i am adamant that there has to be some serious soul searching and change. not going to drift back in to the same old shit. his plan is that when i "get it together", meaning my neurochemistry and my work situation, we will "see where we are". i think he thinks a miracle will happen and i will see that it was "crazy" me that was the problem all along. not bloody likely.

i figure the worst that could happen is that we both solidify our desire to part, or we get to where we can split peacefully. ok, i really think the worst that could happen is that it would become a complete fiasco, but... dunno.

[elleng]

1. Haven't, but sounds possible.

Everyone 'relates' differently, I'm sure you know, mop.

[SheilaT]

2. I've heard second and third and fourth hand

that some couples therapy is quite good. I have no idea which specific ones are supposed to be good.

It's entirely up to you. Do you actually have a realistic notion that your marriage could be "saved"? I've rather gotten the impression from what you've posted here is that you feel it's over and you want to move on. If that's the case, move on. Don't get bamboozled into "let's give it one more try", which is simply a delaying tactic. It's my personal experience that if the marriage is over, it's over, and the very best thing you can do is end it legally and get on with your life. My only regret is that when I did finally realize that my marriage was over, that I didn't IMMEDIATELY file for divorce.

But your life is naturally different.

[mopinko]

3. its so hard to know.

i was sure, sure, sure that it was over mostly because he was saying he wanted out as well. his ability to stay pissed off being what it is, he felt that way for a couple months. now he says he doesn't want it.

i think there are some basic human tools that he does not have. his ability to examine his own emotional state, and see how it might be affecting his thinking is nil. including feeling lonely, and thinking that means he wants me back.
and honestly, i think there is a well of contempt for me that is unchangeable. but i would like him to talk to one of these guys and let them help him decide if he has what it takes to make it work. i think it will be easier in the end if he can realize that he just can't do it. which is how i feel about him- he would make it work if he could, but i just don't think he can.

in the meantime, we are pretty much stuck together until the baby decides where she is going to college. he is trying his best to remain civil, and it mostly has been. his lawyer told him if he wants to stay in the house, he should behave.
i just want to get through school, and get a job. i am trying. working on my last project for the semester. yeah.

[SheilaT]

4. You are not responsible for the fact

that he does not have some basic human tools.

And staying together for the sake of the kids, no matter how you express it -- until the baby decides where she's going to college, in this case -- is almost never a good idea.

Forty years ago when I first lived in Virginia, one of the few ways to get a divorce back then was to be separated, including NO conjugal relations, for a full year. I can't tell you how many women I knew who fell for sleeping with the estranged husband, who then used that to delay the divorce. I feel as if I'm seeing the same thing here.

I know I don't know very much about what has really transpired with you, but everything you post here screams that the marriage is over. Don't be so reluctant to end it in reality and legality.

[mopinko]

5. baby will know shortly

all her applications have already gone out, just waiting on the school to send records. she should know within a month at the most. she is my baby, but she is 17, and a senior.
we aren't staying together for her, just possibly buying a condo closer to her choice of colleges. the kids will likely scatter once he moves out, either moving with him, and with his support. sort of an extra dimension of the thing with it's own pains. they are getting to the age to move away, but it is just added to the pile.

i ask myself frequently what i would be doing right now if i had money. i don't really know that answer exactly, but pretty sure it would be a lot different. not having any luck in the job search so far, tho.

[mopinko]

7. also

i know that am not blameless. i am not that easy to get along with. i have given as good as i got in many ways.

but, yeah, i think it is over. just want to walk through in the hopes of less blowback in the long run. for both of us.

[HERVEPA]

6. Agree 100% Just reread some of your previous posts.