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Uh oh.
I'm afraid this may be the last time I post to you guys. As you can see, Keith read the DU thread last night, and he is not too happy with me. Not at all.
Even so, I didn't think I rated a whole BLOG. Sheesh.
Look, right now I'm a bit ticked off at the guy, and I don't even want him to score hits on Bloggermann tonight because of this. So to avoid that, I've just gone and posted his whole tirade from today here. If he wants to sue me, let him sue me. I don't care.
June 24 2005 7:22 p.m. ET
Time for (Berry)Bush to resign (Keith Olbermann)
THE BRONX — If there is anyone in this world a celebrity (even a minor one such as yours truly) thinks he can trust, it is his fans. You know--his dedicated devotees, the people who will stick up for him, right or wrong, who will be faithful to him no matter what he does or what they know of his personal life.
At least that's what I thought.
I was wrong.
Last night, after having put in what I thought was a decent effort at hosting Countdown this week (at least in part, on one day) remotely from Los Angeles, and making what I believed to be a successful appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno Monday night, I settled down in front of my computer to traverse the Internets for a bit. Yes, I had taken the past two nights off. Flying back home was a little wearing on me. So much so that I decided to take two nights away from Countdown this week, rather than just one.
Having the enormous ego that I have never denied having, and realizing I had somehow managed to attract a considerable fan base on something called the Democratic Underground Web site--a collection of slightly warped women calling themselves the Keith Olbermann Estrogen Brigade, along with a handful of men who claim to love them--I decided to stop by for a lurk to see what was being said about the night's episode of Countdown in my absence, with Alison Stewart hosting.
To put it politely, it wasn't pretty.
I soon realized I had walked straight into a den of iniquity. People were hardly talking about the show at all. Sure, there was a comment here and there about the Supreme Court ruling on eminent domain, Karl Rove's ill-thought-out remarks about 9/11 and liberals, and so on. But the vast majority of the space was given over to sexual double entendres between members, many of them involving spanking, and discussions of ferrets and dogs.
So, I thought, that's what these people do for a life when I'm not around.
But far, far worse than that--than all of that--was the material posted at the top of the whole thread, by a DU member calling herself "BerryBush." And claiming to speak in MY voice.
This BerryBush had apparently checked out the baseball schedules online and decided for me that I was not going to appear on Countdown tonight. Why? Because, she implied, there was simply no way I was going to miss a Mets-Yankees game. Forget it. (She even made a joke about me posting security guards on the subway to ensure I made it safely.) And she conveyed this message to the WHOLE GROUP, as if it came directly from ME.
What can I say--except that I was shocked and disgusted. I simply do not understand, nor can I condone, how anyone could possibly have drawn the conclusion that I would so quickly forego my sacred duty to you, the Countdown viewer, for a mere "Battle of New York" baseball game. The nerve of such a person is beyond my comprehension. (Besides which, there are two more such games this weekend. Come on.)
It appears that such assumptions and implications, however, are nothing new to the denizens of the Democratic Underground. Every time--and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME--I have for some reason or other failed to put in an appearance on Countdown during this past spring and so far this summer, the regulars have said the same old thing: some variation of "Oh no, he's at another baseball game."
Well, frankly, it's getting a bit old.
OK, so I love baseball. Some people would say too much. OK, so my parents did get so sick of me talking about it as a kid that they eventually restricted me to an odd-even schedule on which I could bring up the subject only every other day. But that just goes to show you, doesn't it--you people are lucky I usually do Countdown five days a week, instead of just every other day. If my parents were the executive co-producers, I'd be able to take EVERY OTHER DAY off this job to go to a baseball game! So there! (Trust me, Izzy Povich may look innocent but don't be fooled. The woman is a slave driver. If Bucky Dent only knew, he would be deeply ashamed at how she has betrayed the faith.)
I'm going to say this only once: I see doing Countdown as a sacred trust. Who was the first, after all, to report to you the voting irregularities in Ohio? Me. Who stayed on the story long after everyone else had packed up and gone home? Me. Who brought you the truth about Bill O'Reilly, and campaigned to save the Andrea Mackris Tapes? Me. Who exposed Jeff Gannon in all his Hot Military Stud glory? Me. Who spent all those hours on the air being civil to guys like Chris Matthews and Pat Buchanan when the Pope died, when all I really wanted to do sometimes was pop 'em one during their WWE "More Catholic Than Thou Smackdown"? (And after all that, Pat didn't even turn out to be Deep Throat! Jeez!)
And who is now bringing you the real lowdown on the Downing Street Memo, the smears against Newsweek, the truth about Gitmo and all the rest? You got it. And along the way, haven't I brought you all some laughs? Michael Jackson Puppet Theatre. Lots of Oddball stories about people in other countries doing stupid things, and animals doing stupid things in all countries.
Not to mention which, I blog like a demon. Which I know for a fact that you guys like. Hell, it's like you all have no LIVES unless I blog.
And then, of course, there's the splendor, the wonder, that is Mary Carey.
Don't you owe me something for that? Other than assuming I would rather go to a baseball game any day than do my job? Other than saying, every time I'm not blogging every two seconds or showing up on your screen wearing my gray suit, which I KNOW so many of you HATE (yes, I read those posts too!), "Oh no--he's at another baseball game"?
Really. The ingratitude of it all is too much for me. But I don't want to lose the original point I had in writing this blog, which is this: BerryBush should have the ink drying on the pixels of her letter of resignation from Democratic Underground right now.
For telling scurrilous lies about my whereabouts tonight, and possibly interfering with the ratings of MSNBC as a result, she should by all rights resign, and never darken the door of Democratic Underground again.
In case you wanted to know the truth: I WILL be on Countdown tonight. Yes, we will be doing the show from a remote location, but we are bringing all the set trappings with us, so everything will be just as if we were in Secaucus. You won't even notice the difference. Oh, once in a while you may think you hear a loud cracking sound and the noise of cheers, but I assure you that is all just white noise from your cable/satellite provider. Please ignore it. Also, please don't assume that wire you see in my ear is anything but the usual one I wear. The rumor that I am listening to anything else during the show is just that. A rumor. Ignore it, please.
And, by all means, please ignore BerryBush. She's really just a troublemaker who exaggerates a lot and knows nothing. As you will see tonight, when I bring in da noise, bring in da snark, the way I always do.
So, please, find SOMETHING to talk about tonight other than spankings and ferrets, OK?
Sorry, gotta go now. The Yankees are at bat.
E-mail: KOlbermann@...
(NOTE: To anyone who hasn't yet figured it out...yes, this post WAS a spoof. It is NOT a real blog from Keith Olbermann. Please do not email him to protest or praise it. Please do not adjust your set. Turn lights down where applicable. Some scenes may not be recommended for viewing by small children. Please consult your local listings for dates and times.)
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