A little Channukah humor...

[Behind the Aegis]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"


The clerk asks, "What denomination?"


"Oh my G-d," the woman says, "has it come to this? Alright, give me 16 Orthodox, 22 Conservative, and 12 Reform.".

(Thanks, GP!)

[oberliner]

1. Have you seen this one? "If Xmas was a Jewish Holiday"

It's very long. Here are some highlights: (sorry it's all in caps)

THE TREE:

1. ANY SPECIES OF TREE IS KOSHER FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE, PROVIDED THAT IT
HAS NEEDLES AND NOT LEAVES. IN OUR LANDS IT IS CUSTOMARY TO USE A FIR
TREE.(7) IT SHOULD BE REASONABLY FRESH, BUT NOT TOO FRESH, IN ACCORDANCE
WITH THE PRINCIPLE "A XMAS TREE WITH NO FALLEN NEEDLES IS LIKE A SUKKAH
WITH NO BUZZING BEES."

2. THE TREE SHOULD BE CHOPPED DOWN SPECIFICALLY FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE;
IF IT HAD BEEN CUT FOR LUMBER IT IS INVALID. IF THE TREE WAS CUT FOR
GENERAL DECORATIVE PURPOSES, BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A XMAS TREE, SOME
AUTHORITIES ALLOW IT WHILE OTHERS ARE STRICT. A STOLEN TREE IS NOT VALID
FOR THE MITZVAH.(8) FORTUNATE IS ONE WHO IS ABLE TO CHOP HIS OWN TREE
HIMSELF.(9)

4. THE TREE MUST BE BRIGHT GREEN. BRIGHT RED, OR A MIXTURE OF GREEN AND
RED, IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE FOR A XMAS TREE(10), BUT BROWN IS NOT. THERE MAY
BE ONE BROWN SPOT NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE,(11) BUT IN THE TOP HALF OF
THE TREE, EVEN ONE BROWN SPOT WILL PASSUL THE TREE. A TRULY PIOUS PERSON
WILL MAKE SURE TO BRING ALONG A XMAS TREE EXPERT WHEN HE GOES TO LOOK FOR
HIS TREE.

THE FESTIVE MEAL:

1. AFTER TZEIS HAKOCHAVIM, THE FAMILY GATHERS TOGETHER FOR THE EREV XMAS
MEAL. THERE ARE VARIOUS OPINIONS AS TO WHAT IS TO BE EATEN AT THIS MEAL.
ONLY FISH IS TO BE EATEN AT THE EREV XMAS MEAL.(31) ITALIANS HAVE THE
MINHAG OF EATING 12 FISHES(32) AT THIS MEAL CORRESPONDING TO THE 12 DAYS
OF XMAS.

(31) When Erev Xmas is on Friday, and the seudah coincides with the first
Shabbos meal, only gefilte fish may be used.

HAVDALA:

1. THERE ARE MANY OPINIONS REGARDING WHEN THE XMAS SEASON IS OVER.(40)
BAIS HILLEL HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER WHEN THE LAST ITEM IN THE AFTER XMAS
SALE HAS BEEN SOLD. BAIS SHAMMAI IS STRICT AND HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER
IMMEDIATELY AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE FOOTBALL GAME.


The whole thing can be found here: http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/xmas-j-holiday.htm