Jewish tradition embraces love, sex as part of human drive for holiness

[Ian David]

Making It Holy

Jewish tradition embraces love and sex as part of the human drive for
holiness.

By Michael Strassfeld
Reprinted with permission from A Book of Life (Schocken Books).
http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-1580232477-0


It would be correct but still too simple to say that the tradition sees the
goal of relationships to be marriage. Coming out of a traditional culture,
it regarded sex as restricted to married couples.

Unlike some other religions and cultures, Judaism does not see the body as
the enemy of the spirit, or sex as "dirty" or grossly physical. The picture
of sexuality in Judaism is more complicated. The tradition contains strands
that are very ascetic and puritanical, as well as those that see sex as
something to be enjoyed for its pleasure.

Yet I would suggest that attaining holiness through relationships is central
to Judaism as a spiritual practice. Let us develop a notion of holiness in
relationships by returning once again to the beginning of creation.

At the Beginning
"Be fertile and increase, pru urvu, and fill the world" (Genesis 1:28) are
the first words addressed by God to human beings. Not "keep the Sabbath";
not "don't steal" or even "you should have two dish drainers, one for dairy
and one for meat."

"Be fertile and increase, pru urvu, and fill the earth." At this moment of
the creation of the first humans, God calls upon us to be like God and
create a world--a world of new human beings. According to the rabbis, pru
urvu, "be fertile and increase," is the first mitzvah, the first commandment
of the Torah. There is a paradox here. The mitzvot, all 613 commandments,
are meant for the Jews. And yet we begin with one which is universal--all
human beings should be fruitful and fill the world (not just the Jews).

Sex then begins right at the beginning. It doesn't even wait for the Garden
of Eden story. What then is the primary purpose of sexual relations:
procreation, enjoyment, kedushah (holiness)?

With just this verse one could argue that procreation is the prime directive
for humans, and thus sex is primarily for procreation. Or one could argue
that since God says ki tov, "it is good," that sex--like the world at
large--is given to humans to enjoy, and so sex, like food, like life itself,
is to be savored for its rich pleasures. Certainly Judaism sees sex as
involving procreation, and also enjoyment. Both are of importance to
Judaism. Yet it is the third possibility, kedushah, "holiness," that is the
primary purpose of sexuality.

Holiness & Wholeness
Judaism looks at the human condition and invites us to take those things
that we have in common with the animals and make them holy. We are called to
do this in the area of sex as well. We are not just animals reproducing our
species. Or just seekers of sensuous pleasure. The act of sex primarily
involves another person. We are in relationship with that person--and in
that relationship holiness can be created. Relationships of caring,
intimacy, affection, mutuality, are relationships of holiness, and sexuality
is one way to create such relationships.

For Genesis goes on from "Be fertile and multiply" to say, "A person should
leave their parents and cleave unto their partner and be like one flesh"
(Genesis 2:24). This one verse captures the basic underlying rhythms of the
universe. Separation and striving for union. The world of Genesis is one of
separation: light from darkness, sea from land, etc. We, each of us, know
the utter aloneness of human existence. Our world is one of partiality, of
brokenness, of loneliness, a world of light but darkness as well.

Yet as God said to the first human, lo tov heyot ha'adam l'vado--"it is not
good for a human to be alone." All the rest of creation from the first day
on is described as ki tov,"it is good." The one thing lo tov--"not good"--is
a human alone.

The rhythm of the universe is set. We begin in separation and strive for
wholeness. A person should leave his or her parents and cleave unto his or
her partner and be like one flesh. We leave our parents (separation) to find
another (unity). It is in the moment of sexual union that we come closest to
wholeness. Instead of alienation and apartness, we become as one flesh. We
lose our sense of twoness and become as one. In sexual union and in love
there is the holiness of being in relationship to rather than in alienation
from the other.

In fact, the mystery and power of sex is a gateway not just to the holiness
of relationships but the holiness of God. For Genesis tells us we are all
created in the image of God. Interacting with other people is interacting
with other divine images, thus reminding us of who we are and reminding us
who created us and who calls us to restore holiness and wholeness to the
world: God.

What About Lust?
By now, you're probably thinking that this is all very nice. For surely
love--deep love, expressed romantically and erotically--is holy and
wonderful. But there is a kind of sexual love that feels more like
partiality than wholeness, more like lust than love, or more like simply
sex. So where is holiness in those moments? Despite the fact that more
people say the words "Oh God" with fervor in a moment of passion in the
bedroom than in any synagogue, I'm not sure that it is an expression of
supreme religious faith.

Judaism calls us to strive for an ideal. That ideal is not platonic love but
rather a love that is deep, mutual, caring, and expressed in every way,
including and especially through the physical. The tradition understands
that we will live far from that ideal but nevertheless believes the closer
to the ideal the better, and recognizes that we deeply long "not to be
alone" but to cleave together as one flesh.

Hasidism believed not just that the underlying impulse in the universe is
human beings striving for wholeness, but that the whole universe is striving
for wholeness. Our task is tikkun olam, "repairing the world," and restoring
even God to wholeness. The Hasidic writers therefore taught that when you
are trying to pray and instead find yourself distracted by thoughts of
attraction to another human being, instead of saying, "Feh! I'm such a
lowlife," you should realize that all attraction, all love is just a
reflection of this impulse underlying everything to love God, to come close
and cleave to God, to experience the unity of the world.

Even pure lust is only a distorted reflection of the impulse buried deep
inside us to love God. Hasidism calls us to follow that lust back to its
sources as the love of God.

But even if we are less ambitious, we should understand that sex and love
are doorways to Judaism's deepest value: holiness. To love God, one must
first love another human being; one must first love oneself; and then
together with the other loved ones we can restore the world to peace,
wholeness, and harmony. Judaism, then, is not setting boundaries or trying
to keep in check the powerful sexual urge. Rather it sees sexuality and its
highest form, love, as among the most critical gifts of holiness given by
God to us to live in and beyond this world.

Love of humans and love of God are inextricably linked, and are Judaism's
answer to the human condition.

"Love Is Alone Sufficient"
Bernard of Clairvaux, founder of the Cistercian order of monks in the Middle
Ages, wrote in his commentary on the Song of Songs: "Love is alone
sufficient by itself; it pleases by itself, and for its own sake. It is
itself a merit, and itself its own recompense. It seeks neither cause, nor
consequences beyond itself. It is its own fruit, its own object and
usefulness. I love, because I love; I love, that I may love."

There are a number of specific values that are part of this notion of the
holiness of sexuality. First, we are created by God. This means that the
penis and vagina are also created by God. The sex drive is also God's rather
than Satan's creation. Our bodies are a gift to us from God. There is
nothing disgusting about any part of them.

Even more important is to remember that what makes humans special is that we
are created in the image of God. We are all equal and should be treated as
such. To treat another person as an object is to deny at that moment this
basic teaching of Judaism. In that way, sex is different from other
pleasures, such as food. Even if we eat food without appreciation of it as a
gift or without any awareness of the holiness of the act, at worse we hurt
ourselves by self-destructive eating habits. Sex (except for masturbation)
involves another person.

This concept of treating another person with respect is called kavod
haberiot, "respect and honor for all human beings." The potential to hurt
someone else is particularly present in sex because the act, no matter how
"casual," involves vulnerability. You are naked before another person. If
the Torah urges us to take special care of the widow, orphan, and stranger
because they were particularly vulnerable in ancient Israelite society, how
much more so, when we lie naked physically and emotionally with a lover.
Knowing our common vulnerability, we need to be especially protective of the
other person in their nakedness.

Michael Strassfeld is the rabbi of the Society for the Advancement of
Judaism, a Reconstructionist synagogue in Manhattan, co-author of The First
Jewish Catalog, The Second Jewish Catalog, and A Night of Questions: A
Passover Haggadah, and author of The Jewish Holidays: A Guide and
Commentary.