Could you help me? PLEASE??? My son's Bar Mitzvah...a question.

[in_cog_ni_to]

My son's Bar Mitzvah is on May 20. I'm pulling my hair out over this issue. We had initially planned a small reception at the temple after the ceremony. We were going to have the Oneg Shabbat and a luncheon buffet. THEN, we thought it would be more cost effective to go to a restaurant with a party room and just let THEM do all the work...cooking and decorating. We looked at the room at the restaurant last night and it's too small for our group which will be 50-60 people. SO, back to our original idea of the reception/lunch at the temple community room, BUT then my son throws in a wrench of not really wanting a reception/lunch. He wants an Oneg Shabbat ONLY and in lieu of a party he wants to donate THAT money to Habitat for Humanity for the Katrina victims *sigh*, bless his heart :loveya: and I need to know is THAT ever done? Is it OK to NOT have a party? I'm not Jewish...yet, but will be converted by the time he's a Bar Mitzvah. I have NO CLUE about these things and my husband is NO HELP in the matter. What do you guys think? I was at my conversion class last night and mentioned my son not wanting a party to our Hebrew teacher and she said she didn't think it would "look very good." :( I don't know what to do and I REALLY NEED TO GET HIS INVITATIONS ORDERED...LIKE YESTERDAY!

[Behind the Aegis]

1. This is interesting.

I only have my opinion. I don't see an issue about not having the luncheon/reception. I also think it is very admirable that he wants that money donated to Katrina victims. But, here is a suggestion. Since the day is about his becoming a man in our faith, why not suggest to him that you have the luncheon/reception (Jews don't have functions without food. ;)), but on the invitations, say "in lieu of gifts, a donation to Habitat for Humanity for Katrina survivors in the name of (your son's name) would (I have no idea how to word this)." Although gifts are not required at Bar Mitzvahs, it is quite common.

The other concern I have about just having an Oneg is that some of those attending the Bar Mitzvah the next day would not be at the Oneg Shabbat (unless everyone is attending that too...but that is usually just the family and members of the congregation).

I hope this helps...check you PM too!

[Debbi801]

2. Mazel Tov!....

My son became a Bar Mitzvah Feb 4th (3 weeks ago). Are you pulling your hair out yet? You must be very proud of your son.

My thoughts... (and all of this comes from experience at my shul, so things may be different at yours)

I agree with the other poster, you gotta have some sort of food. :-) So, the idea becomes where can you do it reasonably?

If you have something at shul immediately following Saturday morning services, you wind up getting all the people who regualrly attend Shabbat services along with anyone invited to the Bar Mitzvah. I belong to a large congregation, so it winds up being a lot of people. If you have a smaller congregation, could you do a kiddush luncheon at shul? Lite fare like bagels, danish, etc. Do you have to use a specific caterer at your shul, or could you bring in your own?

Is there a club house or other rentable room/party facility you can rent that is near your shul? Then, you could do the light luncheon fare there.

Surprisingly, we found the most cost effective way of doing things was to have a luncheon at a hotel. BUT, we did not use their "standard" Bar Mitzvah/Wedding menu options. We went with a modified buffet menu that they use for business conferences. That price list was 10-15 dollars less per person. We also didn't serve any alcohol, which saved on the bar bill.

You could plan something small and tasteful and then donate the difference between that and the big affair.

There is a great book called Mitzvah Chic. It has many great ideas in it for things like this.

You could also make Tzedakah Boxes as Bar Mitzvah "favors" and ask everyone to ear-mark the money they put into these tzedakah boxes to your son's charity choice.

Good luck and don't sweat it too much. One other thing I want to share because it is still very fresh in my mind--I'll never forget how my son looked about 2 feet taller and 150% more mature and self assured when he stood on the bimah that morning and started leading services. It was awe inspiring. That is the most important thing about this moment.

Debbi

[in_cog_ni_to]

3. Thank you! Mazel Tov to you too!

Am I pulling my hair out yet? WHAT HAIR???!!! ;) Yes, I'm going just a tad nuts here. My son keeps changing his mind on what he wants to do and I am running out of time for making final decisions.:scared:

Our Reform congregation is quite small. We have some Saturday morning Shabbat services when we don't have a minyan. Having an extra 8-10 people at a luncheon wouldn't be bad. I like the extended Kiddush luncheon idea and that was our latest plan until Mr. Bar Mitzvah Boy tossed his little wrench into it.;) I think, at this point, he's just going to have to make a compromise with me. We'll donate the cost difference of a big party and a small lucheon. I HAVE to get his invitations ordered.....SOON. Another issue is we live about an hour away from the temple. This planning is done mostly from long distance.

I have the book, Mitzvah Chic! It was the first thing I bought (one would think I would be better prepared for this). I LOVE her ideas, but am having a hard time implementing them in conjunction with my son's Torah portion and Tzedakah. Here's what I've done so far. I've ordered Blue and White "Wunderfuls", you can see them here:www.wunderfuls.com. They are centerpieces and favors all in one. VERY COOL. Since my son's Tzedakah charity will be Habitat for Humanity for the Katrina victims, I ordered one of Habitat's banks from their web site to see what size it is and how I could work a theme around it (STILL working on that). You can see that here:http://www.habitatgiftshop.com/product_detail.asp?T1=HAB+7029

The bank is small. It's maybe 4" x 5" and I thought I would use that as a "Tzedakah Box" and give them out as a second "favor" along with the "wunderfuls." What do you think of that idea? The banks are very inexpensive and would greatly help Habitat for Humanity. I may give out additional Habitat for Humanity items too...don't know what, but they have quite a selection in their gift shop. I'm going to work Habitat's slogan, "SIMPLE and DECENT" into this somehow too. I'm still wracking my brain on just how I will do that.

Now, for the catering stuff. There's no particular caterer I have to use. The temple kitchen is not kosher, but you may not serve shellfish or pork and you cannot mix meat and dairy. That's easy enough. I like your idea about a simple bagel, danish, ect... I may do lox, tuna sald, fruit salads and such too. What do you think of that? I have a friend I may hire to do the lunch for me. She does all of our teacher appreciation lunches and school parties at my son's school. She does parties FOR THE FUN OF IT...not as a business. I think she'd be PERFECT for this since I have no clue what I'm doing and then I also wouldn't have to deal with a professional caterer.:)

Anyway, that's where I am in the planning. Not far.:(

I can only imagine the pride you felt when you saw your son on the bimah leading the service. They work so hard to get there and to watch it must fill a parent's heart with overwhelming love and pride.

It seems like yesterday when we were at his naming ceremony when he was only weeks old and now he's a man. *sigh* It makes me want to cry. Not cry because of saddness (just a little bit of saddness knowing my baby is now a man), but of pride in what he's become. :)

[ikojo]

4. A bar mitzvah is not an excuse to throw

the mother of all parties for a 13 year old kid, it's a religious right of passage. Your son has obviously HEARD and LEARNED the words of Torah to do justice and give charity and for that you should be proud. I The teacher said it wouldn't "look very good" because perhaps it would reflect badly on a community obsessed with trying to keep up with the Goldsteins as far as having the biggest and most extravagant bar/bat mitzvah party.

I think that not only should you encourage this selfless act on the part of your son but maybe you should contact the media. It's not often Jews get positive press when it comes to bar/bat mitzvah parties (I'm thinking about the defense contractor who spent upwards of a million dollars on his daugther's bat mitzvah party a couple of months ago).

Good for you on raising a kid with a strong conscience. Do not give in to community pressure to keep up with the Goldsteins!

[question everything]

5. Mazon (food) started by a rabbi who was disgusted by the large

sums of money spent on events: weddings, bar/bat mitzvah, etc.

So he suggested that whenever a family spends money on such event, that 3% would be sent to Mazon http://www.mazon.org/

One father of the bride then wrote to him something along that line:

I felt really strange spending all that money on the wedding, but sending 3% to Mazon made me feel like a mentch (a real man)

Go ahead with your son's wishes. The bar mitzvah is for your son, not for "how it will appear." You can send notifications announcing him celebrating his bar-mitzvah and donating the cost of a reception to the katrina survivors. I don't think that anyone would criticize this.

You may want to talk to the rabbi who will officiate in the ceremony, also contact the Mazon organization in the link provided.

Last, be very proud of the great job that you and your spouse have done raising such a fine young man. He certainly is ready to become a bar-mitzvah - assuming the responsibilities of adults.

Congratulations.