Residual guilt over illnesses due to being raised Republican / fundy.

[Ladyhawk]

Even though I've tried very hard to overcome my chronic illnesses (diabetes, fibromyalgia, CFS, treatment-resistant depression, etc.) I feel great guilt that I haven't been able to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and make a living for myself. I'm wondering if this is similar to the residual fear of hell which took me years to banish. Logically, I knew there was no such place, but it took awhile for my intellect to catch up.

Do any of you feel guilty and blame yourselves? How do you deal with it?

[mopinko]

1. i feel guilty

i am not there for my kids the way i would be if i were well. mostly i am disappointed in myself, for myself. it takes me so long to get anything accomplished, and so often i invest in things that i don't have the capacity to actually succeed in. a lot of wasted time and money.
i have been doing better over the last year and a half, or so. but i am a long way from anything that could be considered a success.

[Ladyhawk]

4. I hear you.

I feel guilty for not having enough time and energy to properly take care of my animals. I will probably sell my snakes when I find the energy. Something is wrong with my female Arizona Mt. kingsnake. She needs to go to a vet. I can't afford it, so I will probably give her to someone who can afford it. :(

Also, I felt that those who gave me a music scholarship were wasting their money on me because I'll never be able to give back to the community the way I should. I had to drop half of my classes when I got sick this semester...god, it hurt to have to do that. :( :( :(

[Warpy]

2. I was an atheist but I'd internalized all those "mommy tapes"

that said I was lazy, scatterbrained, a hypochondriac. When I finally got diagnosed after landing in the hospital several times with life threatening problems, I walked out onto Cambridge Street in Boston, faced south and yelled "WRONG AGAIN, MA!" hoping she'd hear me in Florida.

I still get those tapes in my head, beating me up for not doing all the stuff healthy people do. I now have the diagnosis, though, so I've gotten pretty good at telling them to go to hell.

I do what I can do, and that's that.

[Ladyhawk]

3. Yeah. I know what you mean by "tapes."

I have a shitload of them, most of them telling me I suck because I'm not able to support myself financially. I really am ashamed of the fact, but at the same time I don't think there's a hell of a lot I can do. :shrug: I try really hard to get healthy, but the least illness smacks me down.

It's hard when you have diabetes, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, depression, etc. The only "respectable" disease I have is diabetes. The rest some people find nebulous. I used to, too, until they smacked me down. I still try to pretend it isn't a problem, but every few months something sidelines me...god, it's depressing.

I need to learn how to better deal with it. :(

[CoffeeCat]

5. Hi Ladyhawk...

You are always so kind and sweet on DU, and I just wanted to throw some support your way.

It sounds like we were raised in very similar families. My parents were abusive and perfectionists. Physical
illness was seen as a weakness. We couldn't even be tired, without my father criticizing us and telling us to
stop lying around all day.

I'm sorry your family doesn't have more compassion. You certainly deserve to be surrounded by those who
understand and will listen. I'm sorry your family is incapable of giving you what you so rightly deserve.

I go through depressions and period of inactivity. Like you, I get sidelined every few months. I firmly
believe that depression, anxiety, sleeping disorders and lots of other physical/emotional symptoms are
expressions of emotional pain.

On some level, dysfunctional families understand that our pain is a symptom of their dysfunction. That's why
they're so defensive about our conditions. They're brusk and they treat us as if we're weak. In reality...we're
honest. Our bodies refuse to hide the truth and be in denial. So we can't sleep, or we get depressed. Honesty
scares dysfunctionals. So we get lambasted.

I'm proud of anyone who dares to exude truth---in whatever way you have. Depression, anxiety, headaches--however
you express pain--is courageous. It's not weak or bad. We have our quirks for good reasons...and we have to
remember that--regardless of what we've been told.

Peace and light to all. :)

[nashville_brook]

6. internal and external guilt

raised catholic, now lapsed -- for me, this is a discreet category of culture. we're way different from our practicing brethren, BUT we have even less in common with atheists and agnostics precisely because we have this internalized culture of guilt (among other things -- not all bad).

your religious/spiritual background naturally determines a large degree of internalized "coping" and/or "dysfunctional coping" mechanisms. guilt is the granpappy of religious-based internal control. that's what ALL the stories are for -- learn to internalize the morals and tragedies, so that the priest doesn't have to follow you around every minute. it's an invisible leash.

having said that, if the religious background is extremely retrograde, then you have a head-start in the journey to jettison the bullshit lock, stock and barrel. going back to lapsed catholics, many of us left the church for political reasons but have fond memories of the peace work we might have done or the community of catholics we grew up with -- therefore it's more difficult to slough off the whole rash of culture. we're always going to have a dormant itch.

if your religious background didn't hold any good memories, then USE that. if it did -- then focus on the compassion part of the equation -- as in, should your brothers and sisters (internal and external) have COMPASSION for your illness.

as chronics, we have to feed our internal capacity of self-care and compassion because the EXTERNAL world gives us enough shit to deal with otherwise. yeah, i beat myself up constantly. everyday in fact. but then someone comes along (doctors, friends, s/o's) and starts beating me up from the outside and i have to turn my attention to defending myself... which... in this regard might be a good thing b/c it forces me to silence my internal critic in order to beat back the assault from other people.

therapists often speak of your "internal committee." like the "tapes" in your head. your committee has "critics" that shout at you all day long about how you could do better, etc. your internal committee also has internal *cheerleaders, supporters, friends and lovers.* FEED your inner friends and EMPOWER them to beat down the inner critics.

the best thing about the committee is that YOU ARE IN CHARGE. don't worry about being "in control" -- just be "in charge" enough to chase the critics away.