I'm thinking of asking for help, but I don't know whom to ask.

[Ladyhawk]

I have a counselor. I have a doctor. But nothing is working for me. I'm really at the end of my rope and I need some kind of advocate. I don't know what to do. I've tried repeatedly to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, but I think the bootstraps were made in China. They keep breaking. After landing flat on your back for the zillionth time, the ground starts to look pretty good, even though you know you'll die if you stay there.

Help?

[mopinko]

1. do you have insurance?

do you feel bad enough to go to the er? would it help to be admitted? does you counselor know that s/he is not helping?

what is it that you need right now?

[Ladyhawk]

2. They'd put me in the loony bin for depression.

First of all, let me say I'm not in imminent danger. I don't want to lay down and die, but I'm getting really tired...understand?

As for the loony bin, I've been there, done that more than once. It's absolutely horrible. A nutty old fundy lady is the psychiatrist in charge. The only way to survive that place is to shut off your brain and wait until it's over.

I can't check into any other hospital because they'd just ship me back here to be at the mercy of the fucked-up Christian fundamentalist psychiatrist. I've looked into it. Maybe the laws have changed, but the last time I checked, my only option was the local loony bin and its staff of people who are more fucked up than the patients.

The specter of the loony bin makes me afraid to open up. I don't trust my doctor. I've paged my counselor twice and left messages. She hasn't been in. I don't know why. I think she expects me to do my part, but I've arrived at a place where I'm not really functioning very well.

I feel a tad better this morning, so I'm going to try to function. I've practiced piano. I may go get a computer to repair. Still, the state of my life just sucks ass right now.

[mopinko]

3. how is your fibro? how are you sleeping?

do you have a regular doctor? your health is worse than mine, but i do pretty much know what you mean. saw my fibro doc today, and we talked about sleep and fibro. i was so crashed when it got cold, that i was sleeping 14 hours some days. and i could not think straight. started last week taking a teeny tiny ambien. sleeping less, and better. thinking more clearly. sleep. crazy shit that.
if you can't get some help from your pcp, can you switch?

take care kiddo.

[Ladyhawk]

4. My fibro is actually better today.

I've been sleeping heavily. During the weekend I could do nothing but sleep. I have sleep apnea and use a CPAP. I also take most of my medications at night, so yeah, I guess I'm sleeping okay. I'm oversleeping.

My regular doctor is an endocrinologist who mostly monitors my diabetes. If I ever bring up something he doesn't know about, he won't even bother to look it up. Last year, I brought up the possibility of being treated with a light box for seasonal affective disorder and he said, "I wouldn't know anything about that." This year, I brought it up again and did a bit of research because I could feel myself slipping. I told him exactly what I needed and he wrote a prescription for it (it's around here somewhere), but his nurse wouldn't help me jump through the hoops to get it approved by Medi-Cal. I'm just too tired to deal with Medi-Cal. :( My counselor made noises about helping, but it's been several weeks...maybe as long as three months??? Gawd! Finally, I just ordered the damn light on credit. Paying for it will be a bitch, but maybe not as hard as figuring out the system. I'm really tired of jumping through hoops and waiting months, even years.

I've tried various doctors, but not one is interested in helping me with these chronic problems. At least the doctor I have now fills my prescriptions on time. The others I've tried don't. This is as good as I can find, but it isn't good enough.

I can count the number of psychiatrists in this county on one hand and all of them really, really suck except one and he won't see me.

A lot of people have made noises about helping me, but so far, nada. I've asked financial aid to help with my voice lessons. There was a short storm in a teapot, mostly consisting of me calling the guy who is supposed to help disabled students. I asked him about maybe having the auto department look at my car that needs $1500 worth of repairs. Nada. He basically never got back to me after about the fiftieth time I called him. The financial aid office never got back to me. The auto department never got back to me. I finally called them and they said they couldn't help. Back to square one.

And so it goes...

There isn't anyone to help me. Once I fully realized that, I had a bit of a panic.

[mopinko]

5. sigh

i see your point. i have been in boxes like that. it sucks.

i have finally got a pretty good grip on my fibro, but realizing that i have always had it is a little disheartening. i know it t will always be hanging out there, waiting for shit to start going wrong, so that it can hop on the bandwagon, and accellerating the downword spiral.

yesterday's doctors appointment was an amazing experience- i heard the words- "you are absolutely right." "yes, i am sure that is true." "yes, that is probably right." huh? i was expecting to get the finger wave and the face because i started taking a half dose of ambien every night. "i don't have a problem with that. even a full dose."
i had been trying to tell doctors that this was sleep connected for the last 2 years, and thought that i was in danger of a trip to the laughing acadamy from the looks and pruny faces that i got. now my fancy, yaley, university specialist is agreeing with me. i am still kinda shaking my head.

i do remember that you had a cpap. but if you still can't do anything but sleep, then something is wrong. maybe you could get in to see a sleep doc? i imagine that is a pain in the ass. or at least do a little research on your own to see if any of your meds might be messing with your sleep, maybe take some of them when you get up instead. i had recently switched muscle relaxants, to one that had drowsiness as a side effect. that seemed like a good thing to take at bedtime. but we are cutting that back to see if it is having the opposite effect on me.
if your sleep is fucked up, and you are sleeping all the time, you sure do need SOMETHING! you can't cope with jack shit when you are dragging that bad. i have been there.
take care, kiddo. at least, vent away here. i know that can help.