Dealing with ill parents

[Retrograde]

Can anyone recommend an on-line group for dealing with aging and chronically ill parents? There are a lot of sites out there, but it's hard to tell which ones are worth it and which are trying to sell something.

[WestHoustonDem]

1. I really haven't looked for one although I'm dealing

with the issues involved. My dad died last year and my mom is aging with health issues. PM me if you need to vent/unload/whatever

[Warpy]

2. There are also face to face groups

Call your local hospice people.

Good luck. I lost my mother to a long illness 3 years ago and my dad to a sudden illness last year. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was respect their wishes and let them go.

[flamingyouth]

3. I would be interested too.

My parents are in their 60s and are starting to have some serious health problems. My dad is so stubborn, he won't change doctors (go to a decent one, his current one is awful). My mom needs major surgery but my dad needs to get his own health stabilized before she can have the surgery and ... AUGH. I'm an only child and have a host of health problems myself. Anyway ... I feel for you. :pals:

[Warpy]

4. I feel for you, too

because I'm an only.

Wait until you have to clean out their house.

I rented a dumpster and I filled it.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

10. I know all about that.

Dad died in 2000, Mom died in 2002. She was the world's worst packrat and hated my guts when she died, and I took care of her for three months at my house. Mom and Grandma didn't throw anything out because of the depression.

I'm planning on moving into that 1500 square foot house. I think we've thrown out 400 large trash bags of total crud, filled up a 40 foot gooseneck trailer with old furniture and 60 boxes of glass and stuff that we sold at auction, and now we're painting and whatnot. We've donated probably 25 boxes of stuff to the local charity resale shop.

It's taken us almost five years to clean out that house, and I've got to clean out the one I'm in.

I've even been published anonymously in one of Don Aslett's books when I wrote about being unable to clean out her house at all while she was alive.

When I started throwing stuff out, she dissociated and started screaming and cussing at me.
Lovely.

[zanne]

11. Something that happened while cleaning my mom's closet...

My mother died of Alzheimer's disease after ten years of suffering for both of us (I was her caregiver). Still, when she died I felt overwhelmed with grief. I had to stay busy, so I started cleaning out her room. When I started on her closet,I found a note card. Written on the envelope was "To be opened after my death". I hadn't been able to communicate with my mother at all in at least three years. In her message to us, her kids, she told us that she knew that her mind was going and that she hated to leave us, that we were the best things in her life, etc. I hung onto that notecard like it was a precious jewel. I had it copied and sent it to my brothers and sisters. It was the "old mom", the mom who wasn't sick, talking to us again. She died approx. a year and a half ago. I still have the notecard and look at it xometimes when I feel myself missing her.

[erinlough]

5. I need the info also

My mom died last month from a massive stroke and now my dad, who had never been sick, has end stage renal failure and needs daily dialysis.

I just posted here for some help on possible causes, but I am truely afraid for my own health and that of my sister who is helping also. We lost our sister two years ago to cancer and have been caring for people who were really sick for the last five years. I am amazed I have even been able to do this and work a full time job. Amazing journey.

[sandnsea]

6. A family friend just visited yesterday

Both my parents have passed. But this lifetime family friend was visiting, his wife has Alzheimer's. She is so sick she doesn't know how to eat anymore so he has to decide about the feeding tube. I did not know that even happened with Alzheimer's. So I didn't know what to say. My mother had a heart transplant, but that wasn't the kind of deterioration of something like Alzheimer's. I feel just horrible for everyone having to go through this with their parents.

[doggyboy]

7. My mom has Alzheimer's. You don't have to say anything

People who take care of Alzheimer's patients tend to get socially isolated. Just listening to us is more than enough.

[doggyboy]

8. What kind of health issues do your parents have?

Different health problems present different issues. There are online groups for all sorts of health issues. I recommend you focus on groups specific to the issues your parents are having.

[flamingyouth]

9. Just checking in - how are things? Have you had any luck finding sites?

Finally, after months and months, today my dad made an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to get his knees examined. This is a family milestone the equivalent of, say, Bush and Cheney resigning. I was glad I was sitting down when my mom told me, or else I probably would have fainted. He's never had any surgery before and he's even afraid to go to the dentist, so I know he's terrified of what the doctor will tell him (his knees are a mess, he can barely walk even with a cane or a walker). Needless to say, it's been quite stressful for him and for all of us. I just hope this doctor is good and can help him.

[japple]

12. PLEASE make sure you are prepared to deal with pain issues

in the final days. If you are dealing with Hospice organization, they usually have someone on call and will probably take care of it for you. My mother died at home in 2001 of bladder cancer, and her last hours were spent in agony because the new hospice we had signed up with didn't have any way of getting morphine drops or suppositories at night after the pharmacies were closed. She had gotten so thin that the morphine patches had stopped working because there was no muscle left on her body--she was all skin and bones. They told us we should call 911 and take her to the emergency room. My sister and Dad just held her hands and prayed with her until she could give it up and leave. We vowed this would never happen again to anyone we know and love.

Dad died at home of esophageal cancer in January of this year. We had a different Hospice org. and they were wonderful. They gave him Roxanol (morphine)drops and told us to give him as much as it took to keep his pain under control. Even on the weekend, they called to check on him, and they were there with us 30 minutes after he died.

My folks never accumulated a bunch of household stuff, so there wasn't much to deal with after they died. Dad did save a bunch of material (wire, poles, boards, etc. that he used in the garden and around the house) that my sister put in a trailer to take to the dump. Wouldn't you know, we had to go retrieve most of it to use in the garden, and we know Dad is getting the last laugh! He and Mom had their wills, bank accounts, and other paperwork in decent shape so there wasn't much to do on that.