Advice re: parents with dementia, and other 'senior' matters.

[elleng]

Is this the right place?

[Warpy]

1. A lot of us already dealt with that one, so fire away.

[elleng]

2. Thanks, Warpy.

Will watch PBS show tonight, Taking Care of our Parents, and follow up.

[elleng]

3. Statistics show

the best predictor of not going into a nursing home is having a daughter.

Discussions with health proxies impt.

Sibling responsibilities impt/issues

[mopinko]

4. having 5 kids

there was a survey quite a few years ago that found that having 5 kids usually keeps you out of the nursing home. maybe by killing you at a younger age, but......
(i have 5. 2 daughters)

[elleng]

5. OY!

I have 2.

[mopinko]

6. see, you are smart.

it seemed like such a good idea at the time. :crazy:

[elleng]

7. At the TIME????

What time was that, exactly????

HAHAHAHA!

[mopinko]

10. at the time that

i shoulda been getting some sleep!

[elleng]

11. (((mopinko)))

!!!

[Warpy]

8. That first one isn't quite true

The best predictor of ending up in a nursing home is urinary and/or fecal incontinence.

Families will try to deal with nearly everything but diapers.

My dad didn't yell for help with my mother until she became completely bedridden, unable to make the trip to a bedside commode. I was astounded he'd lasted as long as he did as her caregiver, but once she needed diaper changes every 2 hours, he'd had it. His RN daughter (me) didn't mind and my mother died at home.

He wasn't quite as lucky/unlucky. He was in rehab when he took a sudden turn for the worse and I couldn't manage to get him home to die surrounded by his home and his own things.

I've seen families deal with tube feedings, involved and icky dressing changes, giving injections, and suctioning. Families just seem to draw the line at adult incontinence and I can't blame them.

[mopinko]

9. that sounds pretty right on.

although the combativeness of some folks with dementia might be number 2. i have a BIL who is now in the early stages, who was a criminal defense attorney for many years. those qualities that worked for him then are working against him now. he is getting very hard to handle, and he is a very big guy.
funny how people can lose it in a way that is so much like themselves that you don't notice. he has been married to my sister for 40 years, and over the last 10 they spent 6 or 7 in marriage counseling. he just got to be more and more like his combative self. my MIL did pretty much the same. did things that you would find so odd in other people, but seemed so normal for her.

[murielm99]

12. That is what happened with my neighbor.

She kept her husband at home until he took a swing at one of his good friends. He was starting to get more argumentative with her, and she was worried that he would lash out at her, too.

This thread reminds me that I need to call my mother. She is coping with my dad pretty well. I worry about how long she can continue to do this. He is 82, and in the early stages of dementia.

[elleng]

15. murielm, and all,I wrote initially for help figuring

how and when to address things.

My Dad is 94 and Mom is 88. They're in Florida, I'm near DC, and brother in IA. They sold their house a few months ago and moved into a residence which offers social activities and services of various sorts, including physical therapy and companions. I think they've been slow to take advantage of various offerings.

We noticed changes in Moms behavior during the past year or so (after she broke hip and recovered.) Dad is becoming frustrated and saddened because they're having more trouble communicating; her hearing has deteriorated to nil, over many years and hearing aids, and his eyesight is bad. So he can't read, a great frustration, and she can hear only sporadically.

Now her memory is fluctuating, sometimes/days fine, sometimes not, which frustrates Dad a lot.

I visited with them for about a week a month+ ago, and my brother did so after I left. Dad has since complained that she's imobile, which she wasn't at the time; Doc doesn't find any visible reason for this.

So I'll be going back to FL next week, joined by brother, to help find a companion-type person to spend some time with Mom so Dad can get away for some time during days. Finding a suitable person will help Dad's spirits, I hope. He appears basically healthy, and seeing him sad is very difficult.

PS, they decided/agreed that neither of them should drive, so they gave me their car; good for safety, but not so good for their feelings of mobility. AND 1 year or so ago, they asked my brother and me to visit to discuss 'estate' matters, so they've been rational about practical stuff, I think.

Thanks for any and all thoughts.

E

[murielm99]

16. I spoke to my mother today.

They arranged to have a brother take power of attorney. My mom is the healthy one, but if anything happened to her, we would have to make other arrangements for my dad.

They have a will, funeral arrangements and funeral plots.

My mom has help from neighbors, and is looking into getting a companion so she can get out sometimes. For now, things are all right.

My dad has lost eleven pounds. He is very thin to begin with, so this is not good. And he has osteoporosis. The men in his side of the family have it. He also sleeps a lot. His dementia could get worse at any time.

My parents moved to Wisconsin sixteen years ago. When they were healthy that was fine. But they are far away from everyone, and we can't get there to help much.

The think that irks me is the potential cost for them. If my dad has to go to a nursing home, it will eat up every penny of his pension. My mother will have nothing to live on. They own their house, and my mom wants to keep it. Why should they lose everything they have spent a lifetime working to earn?

Maybe we should both post here from time to time to let each other know how things are going in our families.

[mopinko]

17. eyesight is what tore it for my mom.

she got one cataract done, but before she could do the other, she had to have her gall bladder removed. she got so sick of doctors, pain, etc, that she put off having the other done. her good eye took over, and she basically lost the use of the other. she really couldn't see well, and gave up reading and crosswords.
not being able to drive was hard on her, but without reading, her mind just fell apart.
it was so sad to watch. i am lucky that i have 2 sisters that live close by, and took the brunt of things. i had to go out a few times when her companion had the day off, but mostly they took care of her.
it is still a little amazing to me that she managed to squirrel away enough money to last through those years. she was a medical secretary. although she was a great one, always with perfect reviews, she didn't make much money. but she was frugal, and saved a lot once the kids were all grown. no hard choices.
it is all so hard, tho. painful for everyone.

[elleng]

18. Yes mopinko, so hard.

Awful that Dad can't see well enough to read, and to write checks/balance check book. He's had cataract surgeries, but its the macular degeneration that's got him. All very frustrating, and new frustration every day.

They used to watch baseball on TV, and I don't think he can enjoy that anymore; will find out soon, as I'm leaving for Fla. in a few days.

[Warpy]

19. The assisted living center should be able to help

you to find respite care. Often these are Job Corps volunteers who come in and sit with a person for a couple of hours twice a week so the caregiver spouse can get out and away from the job for a while. My mother had this service and it was a huge help to my dad--he knew he wouldn't come home to find her on the floor somewhere.

Your mother also needs a trip to a doc. Her sudden immobility is probably a sign of depression. You also need to investigate whether she's hunger striking. Often the loss of hearing is the most crushing blow to a person because it wipes out all social interaction. As for the deeply frustrating (to your dad) memory problems, that can also be due to depression and isolation. Antidepressants can help a great deal.

My own mother coped with going blind. She coped with the loss of all but household mobility. What finally did it was her loss of hearing. After her hearing went, that was it. It was all downhill from there.

This is the roughest time, having to plant a boot firmly in their arses and get them to start accepting some services. Also find out what they need and want in terms of medical heroics and get it in writing.

Good luck. I did all this stuff long distance to Florida, too.

[elleng]

20. Thanks Warpy, murielm, mopink, blondie and all.

I had messages from brother and Dad this morning, suggesting that someone's been coming in, maybe to sit, and its not satisfactory. They were suppposed to wait for me and brother to help find a suitable person/arrangement. As usual, Dad's impatient; will speak with him shortly, and tell him I'm coming. Do need to stay here for another day or so, and drive will take 1+ days, so he won't be happy, but I feel I need a bit of time.

Don't know why he thinks a 'nursing home' would be suitable/better; he's aware of and concerned about the expense, and appears to want to be near Mom. I don't think Mom's physical condition demands it. I can't think of options due to lack of familiarity, and I don't like Florida, but wonder if my full time presence would solve Dad's problems. Just writing it gives me a spasm of misery.

I know I have to get down there to examine the situation, but am very unhappy contemplating spending extended periods of time there. My own life has been turned topsy-turvy in last 1 1/2 years, potential is here now to change that for the better, so life presents this. Don't want to complain, and certainly not to 'whine' as Dad used to admonish me (MANY years ago!), but here I am, feeling sorry for myself. Should I add WellButrin back into my daily dose? I dropped it a while ago and kept Effexor, which has seemed to do fine.

Back later after I've spoken with Dad.

Thanks, all.

[blondie58]

13. you might consider talking to a gerontologist

http://www.mshealthcareers.com/careers/gerontologist.htm

they are very helpful in these matters. Good luck and come here to vent anytime. I can't imagine. My parents both just turned 75 and seem to be okay, but I know that day is coming. The number is getting scary.

[elleng]

14. blondie, if my folks are any guage,

you've got PLENTY of time!

My father is 94 and my mother is 88, and we've noticed changes in her during the last year!

[elleng]

21. Friends, I've got to leave for Fla soon,

I'll meet my brother there Saturday.

I just learned that my Dad has to move my mother around, into chair I suspect, and that's one of the reasons he's asking for help. One of big questions is this: I can't understand why she's unable to walk, as when I was there early Feb.and she was able to walk, and physical therapist said she was in better shape than most of his patients/clients. Her doc said recently he could see no reasons for such.

So brother and I will be there soon, with 2 unhappy parents I expect, and no real understanding; very distressing, as you can imagine.

Thoughts?

[mopinko]

22. maybe she forgot she could walk?

not sure if that is possible but know that my mom forgot that she couldn't walk. she finally had to have restraints all the time, because she kept trying to get up and walk.
has your mom gained weight? my mom put on a LOT of weight at the end. seemed like food was the only thing left that she could enjoy. when i visited i always took something really yummy. and she always did have a candy dish. it was really surprising. when she was healthy she was 90 lb dripping wet. when she died she was twice that.

[elleng]

23. Thanks, mopinko.

No weight gain. Heard she had good session with physical therapist yesterday, so looking forward to finding out what 'good' means.

Am on the road now, so 'may' know somethings soon.