Who here has lost a spouse?

[Pryderi]

2 years ago I lost my wife of 17 years, Donna also known as "Shi" to her friends, . Shi was the love of my life and converted me from repuglicanism to being a true blue Democrat. She was a passionate Boston liberal and feminist who hated George Bush and Richard Nixon.

Shi was 7 years older than I and a single mom with an 18 year old daughter when I met her. She had gotten pregnant at the age of 17 and marched against the VietNam war while she was pregnant! She was on tough cookie! I loved her dearly and still miss her. (she was an English major and would kill me for killing the grammar in this post....)

We "lived in sin" for 8 years, and during those 8 years I asked her practically every day to marry me. She finally succumbed and we were married for 9.

Shi and I had talked about what would happen if one of us had pre-deceased the other, and I told her I would never be able to find anyone after her. She said that I would and should find another woman.

We used to argue about who would go first. Shi had lost family members and friends and said that she had had enough surviving of deaths of loved ones and that she would go first.

Well, that hard-headed, adorable woman did it. She went first. I was at her side in the hospital when she passed away. I had loved her more the day she died than the day we met, and the chasm in my soul that was left was unbearable.

I went through alot of grievance counseling, but all of the people in the group were women who had lost their husband and were much older than I. There were no men who had lost a wife in the group, so I went to a psychologist. I started writing about how I felt which ended up being letters to her talking about what I was doing and how much I had missed her.

Then I started going to church for the 1st time in 25 years. I joined the Unitarian Universalist church and got more counseling.

I finally started dating a couple of times. Then, about a year ago, I met another wonderful woman, Sue, and fell in love. The two of us went into counseling because niether one of us wanted this to be the worst rebound relationship history.

My step-daughter, Davina told me that she had been angry/depressed about her mother, my wife, dying and was upset about me falling in love again. Her daughter, my grand-daughter, asked her if Shi would've liked Sue.

Davina said, "Yes" and that she could visualize Shi and Sue hanging out and enjoying each other's company and felt better. I am now remarried and Davina was the "best man" at my wedding. I also know that Shi is happy for me and for Sue.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write all this down, except I felt the need to help anyone who has lost a beloved spouse and might have some sense of guilt about falling in love again.

Please don't feel guilty. It's a tribute to your spouse AND your marriage that you want to be married again.

Keep healing, keep loving.

[auntAgonist]

1. Pryderi

I have never lost a spouse and hope you'll forgive me for commenting on your story.

Your experience is sad and beautiful at the same time. It's wonderful that your step daughter stood up for you at your wedding. I can't imagine all of the turmoil you've gone through.

Sue must be a wonderful woman, together, may you have many happy memorable years.

:hug:

aA

kesha

[Pryderi]

2. Thank you for your kind words. I feel strange when I tell people that I'm a

lucky man.

[auntAgonist]

3. ah but you are lucky Pryderi

You found love not once, but twice in your life. Your first wife/love was not a love you lost, it is a love that stays in your heart. Her physical presence is gone. I believe her love remains and helps to make you the man you are today. A man capable of loving again.

You are a lucky man.

kesha.

[livetohike]

4. I haven't lost a spouse either but your story is beautiful and

I'm glad you found someone to share your life with :hug:. I wish you and Sue many, many years of happiness and Shi is probably smiling at you right now.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[flamingyouth]

5. What a beautiful story - and thank you.

I lost my husband to suicide just over five years ago. At the time I NEVER thought I'd even go on another date again, much less get married. But miracles happen apparently, and I met a wonderful man whom I married last July.

I felt all kinds of guilt about my first husband's death and anniversaries are tough. I'm glad to know that this turned out well for you - both of your wives sound like amazing women.