I am an awful person

[nadine_mn]

My grandma is dying.. wait the phrase used by hospice is "actively dying" - stupid.

She raised me more than my mom did (her daughter). I spent more time with my grandparents than my mom and really thought of them as my parents. My grandma knew this, and felt the same. (she threatened to take custody of me more than once).

Both of my parents are abusive, my dad I cut out of my life years ago, but my mom I never have (even though I want to for my own mental health). But my grandma has always pleaded with me to forgive her and to love her. So, because it would break my grandparents heart if I didn't, I have continued to be there for my mom.

My grandparents have done everything for my mom - mortgage their house to help her pay for divorces, single-handedly packed my mom's 3 BR house and cleaned it so it could be sold (while my mom was renting a house 3 hrs away), took care of her 90lb german shepherd for over a year (basically my mom decided she wanted a new life so she left the house and dog behind, took a job in a city 3 hrs away and asked my grandparents to take care of the mess she left behind), just done everything. And my mom has never thanked them, paid them back or helped them in anyway. This I know because I have been there through all of this. When my uncle (my mom's brother) was going through a real bad time and severe depression, he decided to move back with my grandparents and needed help moving. So me, my husband, 2 other uncles (brothers as well) and my mom's husband #5 all helped my uncle. It was a disaster because we had no idea that his depression was so bad - his apartment was a trash house - at least a foot deep in trash, dog feces etc. Where was my mom? She couldn't help because she had to get her hair cut. This same uncle (her brother) has helped her move across the country more than once. Even if she didn't lift a box, for moral support she should have been there.

If I sound angry and bitter, its because I am. My mom has told me she hates me, wishes I had never been born, she has blamed for the failure of her relationships, and on and on. Of course, when confronted she denies she ever said it or that she was kidding. Yesterday hubby and I drove my mom up to see my grandma, and on the way back my mom asked me where I thought I would go when I died (as in heaven or hell). I said heaven - I am not perfect but I have tried my best to be kind, generous, and helpful. My mom snorted and rolled her eyes at me. She has often called me evil (even as a child), mean, cruel. This is the same woman who came into my bedroom when I was 8 holding my dog's empty collar, saying that she was hit by a car. When I started to cry, she laughed and yelled April Fool's. She made a comment while we were driving that my husband was just biding his time before he would leave me. Pissed off hubby. Then she played the victim that no one loves her because he said that he did not appreciate those comments.

Seriously I could write a book, I only mention this to give you an idea that I believe I have a reason to be angry and bitter.

So we are there at my grandma's beside, she is barely able to breathe, and under morphine. She is not receiving any life support or nutrition. My mom leans over and tries to force my grandma's eyes open so she can see her. Then complains that my grandma's breath stinks and couldn't someone give her a mint because it made it hard for my mom to get close to her. My grandmother has been terrified of falling off the bed since she has been in the nursing home and now hospice. Because of this the bed rails are up, my grandma literally would cry out if the rails were down. My mom decides that she wants to give my grandma a kiss so she tracks down a nurse to lower the rail so she could kiss her. I was so glad my grandma was sleeping, because I know if she woke up she would have cried.

This is not unusual.. when my grandma was in the nursing home and we would visit, my mom would demand that the staff get my grandma up and in a chair so she could visit. My grandma has only been sick for year, it was stomach cancer and then she had a stroke. It caused my grandma a lot of pain to move, but she would eventually feel up to sitting up, it just took her awhile (probably for the meds to kick in). But that wasn't good enough for my mom, she had to be ready now. I asked the staff if my grandma needed anything, they said she needed adaptive clothing to make it easier to dress her. Even though I had just lost my job, and money was tight, there was no way I was going to have my grandma not have clothes. So I ordered 2 dresses to be delivered to her (I guess she went around showing em off). My mom and I looked at websites for adaptive clothing, I picked some stuff, my mom sent links to everyone else in the family and kept saying she was going to get her one.I often bought my grandma clothes - she is plus size as am I, and it was hard to find clothes in the small town. So when I shopped, I bought her outfits too - we even have matching fleece PJs. My grandma often took me back to school shopping when I was younger, so now I can return the favor. My mom - never bought my grandma anything, even now when she needed it the most. And my mom can afford it, she thinks nothing of spending $100 on jeans for herself.

I know I have to let go of my anger towards my mom, but right now I wish it were her dying and not my grandma. And that is why I am an awful person. My grandma has brought so much love and joy to so many over the years. My grandpa recently passed away, so I know my grandma would want to be with him and plus she is in pain, her quality of life sucks, so I know she is going to a better place.

But its not fair... and I am so angry at the cruelty and disrespect my mom has shown my grandma (especially recently). I do love my mom, I know she is who she is and she does have some good qualities. But even my grandma has admitted my mom is cruel. I love my grandma so much and my life has been better because of the love she has given me. My grandma taught me about love, forgiveness, generousity, humor, humility and life. I know my grandma would want me to forgive my mom, to be kind to her. But its so damn hard

I apologize for my bitter rant... I am just having a real hard time right now and need to let it out.

[auntAgonist]

1. nadine, I'm so glad you chose to write here.

First of all I'm truly sorry for all that you've gone through and are going through at this stressful time. Mainly I want you to know that I don't think you're an awful person at all. I understand your grief and the way you're feeling towards your mom is quite natural. Your Grandmother raised a wonderful human being, I'm sure she must be very proud of you.

I pray your Grandmother's passing is peaceful. I'm thankful that she probably doesn't know just how her daughter is treating her.

Your mother will probably never change sad to say.

Spend what time you can with your Grandmother. I'm sure she knows you're there.

Be kind to yourself Nadine, you are a good person. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

Feel free to vent here. :hug:

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

kesha.

[livetohike]

2. You are not an awful person

I'm so glad you wrote in this forum. :hug: Please focus on being there for your Grandma. I'm sure she knows you are there. When my f-i-l was in a coma, his nurses told us that he could still hear us - that hearing was "the last to go". Spend time with your Grandma and try to ignore the way your mom is acting during this time. Everyone grieves differently.

(I lost my Dad in 2004 and you would not believe some of the things my Mom has been doing/saying).

So we are all in the same boat at some point of our lives. Take care of yourself during this crisis with your Grandma. You know she loves you and always will :hug:.

[NashVegas]

3. You're Not An Awful Person

And I think it would do both you and your mom a world of good to work up some anger and give your mom a GOOD display of it. Just be careful not to say anything you'd have to, but can't, take back, if you know what I mean.

Sorry your mom is such a piece of work.