demwing, raccoon, Dolly ... how are you all doing?

[auntAgonist]

You three are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. Wondering how you're doing and hoping you'll check in. Lots of caring folks here.

:hug: :grouphug: :hug:

aA
kesha

[DollyM]

1. terrible . . .

I thought by now I would feel some what better but it just seems to get worse everyday as the reality sinks in that I will never see my baby again. I hate the 30 and the 4th of the month especially, the day he died and the day he was buried. Then we have a holiday with labor day, a time we always enjoyed as a family with grilling and going to the lake and so forth. Instead, I just gave us and have stayed in bed for the last three days and slept and cried and cried and slept. It is 2:15 am so this is my "can't sleep" time, I wish I could sleep normal hours but i am so exhausted during the day and then can't sleep at night. It is just wearing me down. I try to go out and run errands and do normal things but it just leaves me exhausted then it is like I pay for it for the next three days. Is there such thing as bereavement fibro? I think I have it or invented it anyway. Our income is based upon doing booth space at events and fairs and I decided I didn't have the energy to even plan for those, one is next week and one is in October. I am trying to listen to my body and just not push myself but I am so tired of crying and feeling this way. I wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel but things are just so bad right now, well, have been for the past couple of years. No jobs, very little income, my husband is diabetic and has a big hole in his foot right now that he won't go to the Dr. for because we have no health care coverage. Last week, he wrecked his car, and nearly totaled it. He did close to $4000.00 in damage to it and insurance will only cover part of that. So, life pretty much sucks . . .

anyone else????

[auntAgonist]

2. Dolly, that is not good at all. :HUGSS:

I'm really sorry things are so bad right now. It seems that it doesn't rain but it pours.

Is there any sort of clinic your husband can go to, to get help for his foot? I am just sickened that the so called health care system in this country treats people this way. I wish there was something I could do for you.

Have you been able to seek any grief counseling or are you interested in doing that? I used to work at a funeral home that offered counseling free of charge to families who had used their services. Maybe that's a possibility for you and your dear husband?

See, I've never been in your position and I don't know what if anything could possibly make you feel any better. Please know that I do care and I would only want the best for you.

Do your son's friends come around? I know that would be very bittersweet but maybe therapeutic for all of you.

What do you do with your booth space at events and fairs?

Please check in whenever you can Dolly :hug:

I will keep good thoughts for you and yours ... always.

kesha

[DollyM]

3. thank you for checking on me "Aunt" . . .

I wish there were some grief groups around here but we live in a very small area and anything like that is about a 30 mile drive away and right now, that is gas money we can't afford to spend. It sucks that the losses in our lives have just compounded one by one. Our son was the reason I kept going, when things seem the bleakest financially, I knew I had to soldier on to keep him fed and clothed and happy. And really, he made me happy, he knew our struggles and appreciated everything we did for him, pretty amazing for a teenager but that is the way he was. He was such a gem, it pisses me off to see so many "bad" kids walking around, just taking from this earth. Heck, it pisses me off to see so many Republicans walking around just taking from this earth! LOL!

He got to vote this year, for the first time, he was so excited. We spent many months talking about the issues until it got to election day. I really did try to leave it up to him but he did vote for Obama. Then he chastised his friends who didn't go vote. I was raising such a good Democrat! It just isn't fair. . .
I have found the best thing for me to do is just crawl in my bed for three days and cry and feel sorry for myself. Then I can have at least one day I can go and take care of business.

The medical clinic goes on sliding scale so he can go for $15.00 if we show them our food stamp card. I just know he hates to go and even spend that much so he tries to doctor it hiself with the meds and supplies he has on hands. I can only do so much pushing of him though before I just give up. I don't have the strength to deal with him on this.

I started a small business several years back in order to be able to stay home with our son and home school him. It was just meant to be a little extra money, not something to live on but it is all we have now. It is kind of like Build A Bear except we go on location and do programs for pre-schools, schools, libraries, pretty much anywhere they will have us. It is just hard because everyone is cutting back on non essentials so we would fall in that category. We did two library summer reading programs last month for free in hopes that it would bring us in some publicity and some private party bookings but haven't heard a word from those. We do fairs and festivals if they are cheap enough booth space in order to get publicity. We rarely sell anything at those. But it involves a lot of chatting and smoozing with people and frankly, we look and feel like something the cat drug in so we are not the best smoozers right now. It is just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now when I feel like the light has been extinguised in my life.
My son's best friend comes around on occasion but he feels just as bad as I do and then we both cry all over each other. His other friends email me upon occasion but they seem to want some comfort from me and I just don't have any left to give them. I know I find myself watching teenage boys and in some insane way hoping one of them is him.

[livetohike]

4. Dolly, I'm glad you chimed in here

I wish I knew the things to say that would give you some comfort :hug:. I read your post in the other thread about your dreams. I believe messages come to us in our dreams and I think your son is trying to comfort you....I know it's too soon and the loss is so painful. I hope your dreams one day will be of your son laughing and smiling and giving you the strength to go on.

Hang in there friend :hug:.

[demwing]

5. Hey, I missed this thread :(

so sorry. Life just keeps going, grinding its way on and on. Righ now thats the best I can hope for, but Ian's birthday is coming on November 26th, and I am anticipating a major difficulty. This will be the first time I have not had my boy on his birthday.

Fuck

[auntAgonist]

6. Demwing; I can't imagine

what that will be like for you. I know the 'firsts' are the worst, at least they were for me. My Mum's b-day was in November too and she passed away in the month of August.


I'll be thinking of you.. Post here anytime, anytime at all. Someone's always watching out :)

:hug:

kesha