My Mom & I need different things from Dad's Memorial service..

[annabanana]

Mom, who has been living with Dad's decline for the 11 years since his stroke, hadn't even thought of a Memorial Service until our dear family friend, who is the Priest at the Church here asked us what we would like him to do. She had not given thought to the disposition of his ashes. (She said that Dad had no allegiance to 'place', which kind of makes sense to me.) There were many, many things that she's wanted to do over the years, and that Dad wanted her to be able to do that she couldn't because Dad couldn't, physically, go along and she wasn't comfortable leaving him alone. She needs to stretch and expand. I understand that, and want her to grieve and cope in the way that's best for her. No Memorial booklet, no Obituary in the local paper, no special verses, just one special hymn. (One that had been played at their wedding), and she hasn't decided yet what she'll do with his ashes.. which won't be released until after I've gone back home. I just know she won't be having any urn around the house.

I feel that I need something that I can hold onto. .a booklet, an obit, something. This Man's Memorial service should have throngs and trumpets and mountains of flowers to announce that a great man has passed...

But I will be returning to my life, which will contain fewer "booby traps" to tears than her life will. This is hard, though.

[Paper Roses]

1. Before my husband died, we talked, in a lighthearted way about

what to do with our earthly remains. He wanted his ashes scattered to sea. I don't much care except I wanted to be with him. Maybe this is strange, but we scattered about 2/3 of his ashes in the ocean, I bought a cremation plot for the remainder and my ashes will be with him when the time comes.

I felt I needed a place to go to visit, to decorate, to talk, to cry. My family goes too. I know they are glad there is somewhere to visit. Most of all, it is some consolation to me that I know at least we will be together whenever.

At his request, we did not have a funeral. We had a celebration get together with all his friends at a local club. Many of his friends spoke of him, my granddaughter read a special Robert Frost poem that my husband liked very much. We served small munchables of the type one would serve a cocktail party. There was an open bar for wine and beer. I wish I could say I had as many many friends, it was very crowded.

I don't remember much of the day. It was so sudden. The funeral director arranged some small tribute cards that one of my children wrote up. They were placed so they would be taken as a remembrance. Most were gone after things ended.

There is no easy way to get through this. It had been 18 months for me and I still cannot cope. My heart goes out to you and your family.

[havocmom]

2. Could you have his ashes shipped to you?

Put them in a beautiful urn and give yourself & your mom time to think about it later? We took years to dispose of our parent's ashes. Well, they had been divorced for decades, and died 16 years apart, so that was part of taking time.

But we knew they had loved each other and somehow still did after the divorce. I am glad my bro held on to dad's ashes until mom passed. It just made sense to set them free together, divorce and all.

Time. Everybody needs time. No need to make decisions so fast, once the basics are covered. Give yourself time and the route to some sense of closure will present its self.

If you can have the ashes sent to you, or a friend who can keep them safe for you until you get some rest and strength, maybe it will life a burden from your mom? Maybe it will give you time to work out something you can hold onto until you are more comfortable with what is beyond the material for your relationship with your dad?

Kick it around. You don't have to rush at all. Give yourself time. And treat yourself like you would treat a dear friend going through this. Be gentle to Anna.

[annabanana]

3. I am going to urge Mom to wait for awhile to decide

about Daddy's ashes. I expect that something will occure to her as "right". I will talk to the moon (which sees somebody I want to see).

[RevCheesehead]

4. Anna,

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

It sounds to me like your mother is trapped in her grief, and she isn't really wanting to make decisions that would make your father's death more "permanent." Maybe she needs more time before she can prepare a memorial service. She may find herself unable to make any decisions, and thinks that by doing nothing, she will avoid the pain of her (and your) loss.

I encourage you to tell her how you feel, and articulate what YOU need, be it an obituary, a special reading, music, or whatever. Whatever happens, take your time and go slowly. There's no rule that says a funeral has to be done in a certain period of time (unless your religious tradition says otherwise). That's the beauty of having a memorial service at a later date... you have time to think through what you'd like to have done. often, newspapers will run a death announcement and state "a memorial service will be held at a later date."

My prayers are with you and your mother during this sad time. :hug:

Ruth

[havocmom]

5. Welfare check: How ya doin, Anna?

How is your mom faring?

Know you are thought of and good energy sent each day.