How do you grieve for someone who is not physically dead, but is dead to you?

[Ineeda]

I know how to grieve, having lost both my parents, my husband of 33 years, my beloved sister three years ago and my best friend (since we were preschoolers) two years ago. More painful than any of those deaths has been the loss of my darling daughter who cut me (and everyone else in our family) off six years ago with no explanation whatsoever. She stopped returning my calls, changed her email address and, finally, passed along a message that she wanted no contact. We were extremely close and I helped her through all sorts of emotional and financial difficulties over the years. We had a lot in common - quirky sense of humor, love of books, same political viewpoint. We had great fun, too, and I miss her terribly. To add to my grief, she married and had twins five years ago. I learned this through a third party, who learned it accidentally. I met her husband-to-be several times and we got along just fine, so I don't think he's the problem. She never wanted children and I had reconciled to the fact I would, sadly, never be a grandparent. Now I am a grandmother, but I will never know these children, and they will never know me. This breaks my heart, to say the least. I send them books "from Santa" at Christmas, but can't even acknowledge their birthday, as I don't know when it is. I avoid the children's department in stores, knowing that I would be flooding them with cute outfits at every opportunity. I wish I could read them stories like I did their mother, and share ice cream cones, make sandcastles at the beach, and decorate Christmas cookies. What hurts most, I think, is not knowing what caused this rift. I had no opportunity to 'make it right', whatever 'it' was that broke us. I don't know if I can ever get past the anger I feel at how much she has hurt and cheated me (and continues to), but maybe now I am getting closer to that acceptance stage of grief. At this point, I'm surprised when a few days go by without tears.

[RevCheesehead]

1. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.

My first reaction is to say that your daughter is not dead to you - she is still very much a part of your heart. The relationship is broken, and you have no idea why that has happened. Can you write her a letter asking her what caused her to do this? People go through many phases in life, and it sounds like for now, she wants to go it alone. But this may change down the road... you never know.

You might want to go and talk to a counselor, therapist, pastor, or someone you trust so that you can sort out your own feelings of grief and anger. You've already been through so much grief before this situation happened. It might not change the circumstances, but it may help you be able to deal with your feelings.

My heart goes out to you. :hug:

Ruth

[Ineeda]

2. Thank you, Ruth

You're right, she is not dead to me, but I am evidently dead to her. I tried repeatedly to reestablish contact and was repeatedly rebuffed. So, I stopped running head first, full tilt into the brick wall. It hurt too much. I've talked about this to friends, family, professionals (but not clergy, as I'm not religious) and no one has an answer. After intense soul-searching, I know I did nothing to deserve this. I guess, like actual death, this virtual death is just something I have to really, truly accept. And survive.

[orleans]

3. what a sad situation

have you thought about contacting her husband to ask him what is going on?

find law.com has some info that may help regarding grandparent's rights
http://family.findlaw.com/child-custody/custody-more/state-grandparent-custody.html
http://family.findlaw.com/child-custody/custody-more/grandparent-custody.html

google "grandparents rights"

i have a lot of sympathy for your situation--i guess it's up to you whether or not you accept it. sounds like that's what you've decided to do but you don't sound happy about it. i wish i had some great piece of advice to offer. i don't. i'm sorry. :hug:

[Ineeda]

4. Both good ideas, but

Their phone # is not available to me and I know she'd intercept any mail to her husband. To be honest I didn't think of pursuing grandparents' rights, but thanks to your link, I found:

Florida: Under the current statute, Florida courts may award visitation to a grandparent when visitation is in the child's best interest and (1) the marriage of the child's parents has been dissolved; (2) a parent has deserted a child; or (3) the child was born out of wedlock.

None of those conditions apply. In any case, forcing the issue would, I think, not serve anyone's best interest. You're right, as hard as it is, and as much as I hate it, I'll have to accept it. When the children are old enough to question things, it might change. In the meantime, I write letters to them (and her) that I put with my 'important papers' and have birthday cards for each of their 5 years. Someday those kids will know they had a grandmother who loved them without knowing them and a mother who deprived them of that special relationship.
Thank you, Orleans, for your suggestions and very kind words.

[InkAddict]

5. You have my sympathies. You have apparently, for all intents and purposes,

lost a child. I, OTOH, have lost my parents. They apparently thought the relationship flowed one way - from me to them; Mom's cruelty and lack of empathy for her child and grandchildren forced a long-standing family estrangement that exists to this day. I know that some of my choices weren't very courageous, but these choices did not warrant her choice to refuse to make the relationship more equitable. One sibling said I should be the better person and just accept her cruelty and disregard, let it roll of the back; the other followed their own agenda, succumbing to an agenda/deal that only that sibling/parent(s) might know.

Finally, she finds the satisfaction and resourcefulness to relay a message that Dad is bedridden, does not recognize people, and can barely eat, to tell me I might want to see him one last time. Did she say she was scared, sad, worried, needed help? NOPE! Just the facts and an invitation to jump back w/my family into her game of insideous emotional/psychological abuse. What emotional trap is next? A funeral, I guess...my choice: Guilt because I didn't and/or abuse because I did...Just fine!

Over the years, my invitations were declined; the hurt and sadnesses of my life's good events as well as painful circumstances denied solace; the grandchildren's birthdays, accomplishments went unacknowledged. My question is how does one forgive such twin towers of strength in their convictions, who maintained such denial about the hurt they caused, who stand by what now appears as only a 19-year duty that wasn't love at all.

Sorry for the hi-jack; it's just that somewhere there is the opposite side and bereavement goes through all those stages because it's about broken relationships. It's just a matter of how many times one can do it, in fact or virtually. You sound like a good person who cares--keep trying to open the door with the care of the good mother you claim to be and/or be ready to apologize and accept the work of a true apology.

Otherwise, one remembers the good, the way it was when it was good--even if that good was a myth.

[Ineeda]

6. My dear InkAddict

No apology needed for the "hi-jack." I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. I often wonder if my daughter feels, as you do, that the blame for our estrangement is all mine. I'd be willing to consider that if I knew what the cause was, and would absolutely apologize and try to make amends, if I knew. Believe me, I've wracked my brains almost constantly, but can find no crime that warrants such punishment. If anything, I was too involved in her life. She willingly included me and solicited my advice, and I gave it carefully. The good we had was not perfect, but also no myth.

Regarding your dad's failing health - impending death - if you have a good relationship with siblings, ask for their advice and support. They (he/she) can be a bulwark against the inevitable drama, whether you participate or not. Having experienced the death of so many, I've learned one of the hardest things to deal with is regret, which is different than guilt. (I sure wish I hadn't had that last fight with my husband. Did I tell my sister enough that I loved her? etc.) I remind myself all the time that dealing with death is not about the dying person, but about the living ones, including yourself.

Good luck, and :hugs: