Tomorrow is his birthday and I know his mother will be sobbing until she falls into sleep

[havocmom]

I cry too, but what do you say to your sister on the birthday of her only offspring, gone now over six years?

Every year, I know what happens to her. Every year I am helpless to stop her sobbing. Every year, I hear his voice pleading with me to help her not be sad.

[DollyM]

1. I don't know if you can stop someone from grieving . . .

It hasn't been quite a year since my only child died. I am dreading the 30th of this month (the anniversary of his death)but feel like I will at least pass one hurdle when the day passes. K's birthday was very difficult for me this year, as well as mother's day. Will those get easier? probably but I did my fair share of sobbing on both those dates. I can't predict what will happen and how I will feel down the line. I think one thing that people don't understand about losing your only child is that you feel you have been cheated out of a future, there will never be grandchildren and you will never be able to answer when people ask how many children you have because you don't have others. When you know those difficult days are coming, just be there to support her with plenty of kleenex and listening ears. I have so many questions of why that will never be answered. Those who have listened to me know that all I want is to be able to tell my story until the sting comes out of it, I think it is the same way with your sister.

[havocmom]

4. Easier? I doubt it. There is only adjusting to the new reality

Some days, that goes better than others, as you know. And, yeah, having people to talk to seems to help.

:hug:

[auntAgonist]

2. I have no wisdom ..

This breaks my heart for her and for you. Hold each other close.

my thoughts are with you.

kesha.
:hug: :loveya: :hug:

[havocmom]

3. Thanks, Kesha. Was thinking about you and your dear cat friend

and my heart sends love to yours at this time too. They are family, those fur-guys who share our lives.

[auntAgonist]

8. Keeping you and your sister in my thoughts these days.

Thanks for thinking of me. I still find it hard to believe Rogue is gone! Rascal, our tuxedo cat is so lost without him. He keeps wandering around the house meowing plaintively. Rascal is very fearful of EVERYTHING and it's a rare occasion for him to allow us to touch him. I'm hoping that with the loss of Rogue (Rascal thought he was his mommy) that Rascal will tame a little bit and become more trusting.

:hug: :loveya: :hug:


I hope your days are getting better! ! !

kesha

[orleans]

5. let her know you are thinking of him, talk about him, let her talk about him

and cry for him

years ago, when i was a kid, someone in our family lost two daughters--i remember no one in the family wanted to talk about them for fear it would make their mom sad. years later i came to understand that it might have helped the mom to talk about the girls, to hear about them from the family, to know that others still thought of them and remembered them, and loved them. that would have been the kindest thing to do. not pretend they never existed. that must have been devastating.

i'm sure you are a lot closer to your sister than the cousins and second cousins of my family were to each other, so i probably don't even need to post this.

i'm sorry for what your sister (and you) must be going through. i can't even begin to imagine how devastating it would be.

[CC]

6. Let her cry if that is what she feels

the need to do. Be there. Talk about him, share stories and memories with her and cry if you feel like crying too. Tears are healing but the memories and stories are even more healing. It does get easier though not sure if it is because you get used to it or what. The best advice I was given was to embrace the pain. Let it course through you until you scream with it because once you do then you begin to heal. It sounds awful but it worked for me.
When I want to talk about my only child and son I do and now friends and family talk to me about him and share funny, sad and silly memories. My doing it and telling them to deal with it gave them permission to not only listen but to talk too.
Do something special in his memory. It can be as simple as lighting a birthday candle on a cupcake in front of his photo or as involved as taking some food to a food bank along with some crayons and paper for kids too. Clean up a swatch of road in his name. There are so many ways to celebrate the life of someone we've lost even if we do bawl our eyes out too. But most of all be there with an ear and a shoulder because that is priceless when you are grieving whether is is a day, week, year or decade later.


Beau's mom forever.
(Beau 2/6/1982-5/29/2000)

[RevCheesehead]

7. You simply say "I am here for you."

You hold her and let her cry, and ask her to share her heart, her pain, and especially her love.
Simply being there for her is exactly what she needs.

My heart goes out to you and her. Blessings and peace to all of you. :hug:

[havocmom]

9. Thanks, everybody. She did better this year. She is too stubborn for her own good.

I called, like always, and told her I was thinking of her. In the past, she got angry/sad that no one in the family but me would mention his birthday. I am far away, but I will always call.

I took my lead from her. She had a bunch of things she had to do that day. In the past, she always tells herself she won't spend the day crying, then she beats herself up for crying. (Too stubborn for her own good, she just won't accept that she is human and not always in control). We touched base, acknowledged the occasion, spoke for an hour. She was holding up better. I laughed when Havocdad asked how she was doing: OK today, probably fall apart tomorrow, but today was the goal she set and she's OK today.

And there, dear friends of this odd little club, are some important lessons.

Today. Goal is today. Sometimes goal is just this hour. Sometimes it is just this moment. Take what blocks of time you need to break it down to and just get through that time.

Getting better at it: The loss is always there. The pain is always there. The hole in our lives is always there. We cannot change that fact. (a lesson my strong willed sister struggles with daily). What we can do is get better at it.

My sister and I got a little better at it this year. And I have to thank the loving people here who have helped me with that struggle. I have no friends within a thousand miles, so there is no one to vent to and let myself be comforted by (save my sweet Havocdad) You all have no idea how important it is to me to know I can come here and drop my heavy armor and let my heart just open. Thank you for being here and accepting.

You all have great courage. We all have great courage. And we get by with a little help from DU friends.

Thank you. It means so much to be able to cry and be accepted when we do. It means so much to communicate with others brave enough, and kind enough to share raw places in our heart.

Courage is a loving thing. You are all very courageous.

[RevCheesehead]

10. Thanks for the update, Havocmom.

I'm glad you could be a good listener for her. It doesn't surprise me, because you do that so very well right here.
I, too, am grateful for this place, and for our ability to share our hearts with one another. I am honored to have the privilege of meeting you here, and getting to know you better. You have such a kind heart, and share so generously of yourself. Thanks for being you. :hug:

Ruth

[havocmom]

13. Rev, my heart has been getting hard of late

and I don't like that at all. Need to get back into the zone. You are a great help for that effort.

[auntAgonist]

11. Oh I'm so glad you were able to connect

and speak for such a long time. You are getting better at it and that's a good thing.

I wish you and I lived closer together. I don't have any friends close by here. My family is all in Ontario Canada, about a 6 hour drive from me. I have my dear husband to lean on at times but I (stubbornly) prefer he not see my weaknesses.

Anyway, Thank you for updating us.

:hug:

aA
kesha

[havocmom]

12. LOL I understand the part about trying not to show the spouse how bad pain is sometimes

Men have a tendency to take any discomfort we have as a problem they have to fix. They can't fix them all so they take some sad facts of life as personal shortcomings, like they failed somehow if they can't make everything wonderful all the time.