Does anger have to be part of the grieving process?

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

I started seeing a therapist last year after my youngest sister committed suicide in March. Everyone else in my family has expressed anger at her at one point or another, yet I've never felt it. Not for a second have I ever been angry at her for her decision to end her life, even though she had an 11 year old son and another baby on the way. I know she must have convinced herself that everybody would be better off without her in their lives and it tears my heart out that she was in that much despair.

Then my husband Markus and I were in an automobile accident on the Autobahn (I live in Germany) on December 31st and he died two days later on his birthday. The accident was his fault. He was driving too fast for the weather conditions and too close to the car that was in front of us. There was no visibility into the left lane when he went to change lanes and we hit a pool of standing water and our car spun out of control and we were hit by a semi-truck. I've never been angry at my husband. The last few visits I've had with my therapist, I get the feeling she is trying to push me into being angry at Markus. She's made comments about what a terrible driver Markus was and that he got himself killed and left me here on earth to deal with all this pain...etc. I'm not feeling it and I'm starting to get a little annoyed with my therapist. Am I grieving "normally"? Am I in some kind of denial/stuck in a phase of the grieving process? I don't know but I can't imagine myself ever being angry at my husband for a terrible accident he didn't intend to happen.

[livetohike]

1. Anger is one of the acknowledged stages of grief, but I think

everyone moves through these stages in their own time. There is nothing wrong with you,imo. You just need time :hug:. Also, I don't think the anger has to be anger at the person who died. It could be anger with yourself that you could have somehow prevented what happened. :shrug:

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

2. That makes sense

I've been angry at myself for not telling Markus to slow down, for not being there for my sister. Thanks for your thoughts liveto hike, they help. :hug:

[livetohike]

3. You're welcome

:hug: Nice to see you posting again.

[auntAgonist]

4. I don't know what's normal and what's not ...

I know that I've never felt anger towards my Mother for dying. Anger at the fact that she died at age 69 and anger that the Dr. didn't believe her symptoms were of any importance. She had colon cancer and had she been diagnosed when she first went to the Dr she might still be with us today, who knows?

No anger ever towards my Mother. Towards stupid and uncaring Drs? yes!

I can't imagine how you must feel when the therapist speaks of Markus being a terrible driver. I'd be angry with her I think.

No easy answers here I'm afraid. Just a bunch of :hug:s for you.

I had no idea about your sister and your unborn niece or nephew. My sincere sympathy ...

:hug:

aA
kesha


I'm now lost for words :(

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

5. aA

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother at such a young age and I understand your anger at her doctor for not taking her symptoms seriously in the first place.

I'm going to raise the issue of my therapist's comments about Markus during my next appointment with her. I think she's way out of line or very misguided.

Thanks for the :hug:

[DollyM]

6. ohhhhh . . .

AA Kesha,
my 82 year old mother was just diagnosed with colon cancer and had surgery. It is stage 4 and has spread to her liver. She is so discouraged and I am trying everything I can to be upbeat for her but still hurting over the death of my son one year ago today. These are the times when I feel like screaming that life is so unfair. Surely there are some bad people out there that should get cancer instead of someone so loving and good that has been my rock through the death of my son.

[auntAgonist]

8. oh Dolly, I'm SO sorry. My best wishes to your Mother...

I just don't know what to say. I hate it. I hate that you're suffering, that she's suffering, that so many good people hurt so badly.

:hug:

I'm sorry :(

We are all here for you Dolly.

aA
kesha

[RevCheesehead]

12. Oh no.

Oh Dolly, I just don't know what to say. That is just so unfair, and my heart truly aches for you. :hug::hug:

Please stay close to us, and check in often. We're here for you. :hug:
Ruth

[MerryBlooms]

7. I know I didn't really start healing until I got angry

It took me 5 years and a really good therapist. Once I gave myself permission to be angry and it was ok to be angry, I felt loads better. I was raised that 'good' girls don't get angry and I've spent most of my life denying anger. After making that breakthrough, I feel like an elephant has been lifted off my shoulders. I was surprised by how cleansing getting angry can be. I'm still working on the guilt I have associated with anger, but I am much better at cutting myself slack when I do feel angry - anger doesn't mean I'm bad anymore. I have a feeling of peace that I never had before.

btw, I don't really think there's a 'normal' for grieving. I know my grieving for my husband was different from the grief for my mom and others. I believe grief is personal and unique to us all.

My best to you during these difficult times and may peace of mind and love envelope you.

[auntAgonist]

9. It is such an individual thing isn't it? Welcome to our

space here on DU.

There are so many good people here who share so much.

:hug:

aA
kesha

[MerryBlooms]

10. Thank you for the warm welcome

I've lost so many life links. My parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, my husband and then a fiance ... many different circumstances and boat loads of different emotions associated with each one.

One thing I find comforting is my mom and my husband are still in my dreams. My mom passed almost 20 years ago and my husband a little more than 8 years. The dreams are always comforting and the settings always peaceful and beautiful. The dreams help some. You never really 'get over it', as many want you to, but with time, most of us incorporate our losses with living our lives.

Once again, thank you for the warm welcome.

[RevCheesehead]

13. I am so glad you've found our group!

Welcome, and thank you for your words of wisdom and love. :hug:
Ruth

[RevCheesehead]

11. That's a very interesting question.

After giving it a great deal of thought, I guess I'd say that no, anger doesn't have to be there... at least, not in the form of being angry with Marcus or your sister.
Several years ago, my best friend from school was murdered. The shock at the sudden violent loss was crippling for me, and it took months for me to begin to find anything resembling "normal" in my life. One day, a mutual friend called me (the three of us were very close), and I was kind of shocked when she said "I hate the man who did this to her. I hope he dies an agonizing painful death." Well, I was kind of stunned, but didn't know what to say. So I talked to one of my closest friends in Divinity School, and asked her, "what's wrong with me? I loved Steph just as much as Julie did, but I don't feel that way. I'm angry that she died, but I don't find myself wanting revenge. I'm still feeling the deep pain, but I'm not angry." She very quietly said to me "maybe you're at a different phase in your life, and you've moved beyond the need to BE angry. That's not a weakness. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, it's a strength."

Anger is an emotion that shows us where our passion lies. We become angry when things aren't as they should be, or when people do things that upset or disappoint us. And, of course, anger and forgiveness go hand-in-hand.
What I do know is that there is no set pattern for grief, and people progress through various stages in the way that is best for them. Remember that people have been grieving long before Dr. Kubler-Ross wrote her book, and they managed to get through it without analyzing it, or asking "what stage am I in?"

To answer your question at the end, remember that "normal" simply means what is typical or usual for most people. You have gone through two traumatic losses, which I would suggest were anything but "normal." Find your own path, be angry if you FEEL angry; but don't sweat it if you don't. Just be yourself, and experience what YOU feel, not what someone else thinks you should feel.

I am so glad to see you posting again. You remain in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you are finding ways for you to cope. Remember that we're all here for you, too. :hug:
much love,
Ruth