Apparently this has not passed yet

[YankeyMCC]

My father died last December. It affected me greatly of course and I felt a persistent sense of anger. I don't think it was at him but it was there.

One source of this I think was the fact that I wasn't in time to be with him when he died.

I thought I had come to terms with this. I did get to tell him I loved him over the phone that night. But just a little while ago I stuck by another bolt of sadness/anger when reading about someone else's loss of a loved one. They were able to be with this person when they died.

I saw this group appear and watched for a bit but didn't feel like I could really contribute or participate. I really haven't spoken about this at length with anyone. I come from a family steeped in the grand New England tradition of emotional reserve so it's hard to open up not just for me but for many of the people around me. So maybe talking about it here will help.

I'm an atheist and for the most part that view of how the universe works has helped me greatly to deal with this most significant loss yet in my life. But this one aspect - I guess I'm having trouble coming to terms with.

When my childhood dog died I refused to go into the vet's office to say goodbye before they had to put her down. I realized my mistake later and have always regretted it and vowed not to let something like that happen again. And now I miss getting to my father in time.

[livetohike]

1. Here's a big hug for you

:hug: My sympathy to you on the loss of your father YankeyMCC. I lost my dad in November and I find myself tearing up at the strangest times (just today in fact).

My dad was in the hospital for three weeks until he died (pancreatic cancer) and we were there all day from 10:00 a.m. until 10 p.m. Guess what? He died at 5:45 a.m. one morning and none of us was with him.

You told him you loved him over the phone. Hold onto that ..... I too wish I was with my dad when he passed. I'm glad I told him I loved him every night before I left the hospital.

[YankeyMCC]

2. thanks

One reason for my anger and my continued difficulty in getting over this point of not being there with him I think is because of how it came about.

I think I'm angry at myself to be honest. I got the call at 3am that something was very wrong and they were going to take him to the hospital. My mother put him on the phone and we told each other we loved each other. Then my mother said they would take him to the local hospital. Local to them, I live about an hour away. But that she thought they might send him over to Mass General or B&W in Boston which is much closer to me.

I dithered...if I headed down to them and they sent him to Boston I might have to turn around and be further delayed. I think I hesitated also because I was in denial. He seemed ready to go months before but I talked him into going to the hospital and kinda chastised him to not give up so quickly. (arrogant of me, he'd been living with a heart condition for over 30 years, quickly my ass). So he ended up with a pacemaker, the latest and greatest model. And part of me just did not fully appreciated that what was happening that night was the end. So my mother suggested I wait until they get to the local hospital and she'd call me to late me know what they decided, keep him there or send him to Boston. So I agreed because of my dithering and denial.

And so it's my own fault and not a decision made well. And it was one of the most important decisions I'll make in my life. After his last serious downturn, where I got him to go to the hospital, I learned just how much it meant to him to be able to die at home and with everyone near him. And I f'd it up.

[livetohike]

3. No one knows when the end will be

It's easy to say "What if?". I think it is all part of the grieving process. Your dad was able to talk to you over the phone - there is no way you, or anyone else, could know that his time was short.

In my case, I drove across country alone (well with my two dogs)to get back home. My dad was diagnosed and then died all within three weeks. We did not expect that to happen. His father died of pancreatic cancer too, but he lasted six months....My dad had complications after the initial CT scan - the dye caused his organs to fail. The point I am trying to make is this: No one knows how much time someone has.

I am not a religious person, I don't attend church but was raised Lutheran. Somewhere in the Bible it says "We do not know the time or the day......"

I'm glad this group was started. It came at a really good time for me.

Nice to meet you :-).

[YankeyMCC]

5. Nice to met you as well...

Funny that you're handle is "livetohike" actually...

I've always been a fan of the outdoors but particularly the last couple of years I've been doing a lot of hiking in the White Mountains/Franconia Notch and lately "livetohike" would be an appropriate handle for me too. I said to someone recently that the White Mountains were my "church" so to speak. And when my father died I felt an overwhelming desire to get up a mountain. Unfortunately I don't have the equipment and I'm not experienced enough to have just run out and buy what I needed and head up alone.

And due to a very hectic schedule I've still not been able to get out there. This is probably one reason why things still feel a bit unresolved for me, I have this bit of unfinished business in my mind.

One good thing out of all this was that I discussed what I would want done when I die. Bottom line is I don't really care - I'll be dead - and that people should do whatever helps them. But if they want to know what I would like I said, "If allowed spread my ashes at the top of a 4K mountain in NH. Cannon or Lafayette maybe, someplace I have taken my son up to. That way anyone who wants to think of me will be able to go somewhere that was meaningful to me and quiet and beautiful. Or that whenever they climb the mountain they can think of me."

[livetohike]

6. That would be beautiful

"ashes scattered on the mountain". I camped in the White Mountains many years ago (23 to be exact :-) ). They are so beautiful. I miss trees out here in S. CA.

My Uncle is a retired Lutheran bishop/pastor. I have had many conversations about how I feel closer to God while in the outdoors. In fact, my husband and I used to joke about our favorite canoeing place when we lived in S.C. We called it "Our Lady of the Wadboo" because that is where we could usually be found on Sunday mornings.

When we move back to S.C. my DU handle will change to "livetocanoe".

Other news, I just got off the phone with my Mom. My Godmother passed away this morning. She had cancer....she went fast. She was healthy at my Dad's funeral this past November. She was just diagnosed six weeks ago. This is what is hard about being so far from home. I can't go back for her funeral :-(.

[YankeyMCC]

8. My sympathies...

I was in a simlar position when my gradfather died years ago when I was living near St Louis.

Sometime soon I want to take my son on a canoe trip down the Saco in Maine. Excellent way to see the wild.

[YankeyMCC]

4. Here's the problem

I wrote that post just before going to bed, I woke up and realized what a bit of self-pity I induldged in here. I didn't even want to see what the replies might be and wondered if I could get an admin to delete it.

I still think I did not handle that night well. Of course I should be happy that I got a chance to speak to him on the phone, many people don't even get that. I'm just miffed at myself for not acting on a lesson I thought I had learned.

All I can do is try and do better in the future.

[livetohike]

7. It's cathartic to write......

and I believe everything that happens in life teaches us a lesson.

[gardenista]

9. He knew that you loved him.

And that he was in your thoughts when he crossed over.

I'm sympathetic to your feeling about not being there. I was angry at myself for years after my grandmother passed away, with no one there, because my mother had insisted we all go home. And I was angry with her.

But I realized that, in the end, we really are alone when we cross over, no matter how many people are at our bedside. What is important is that you were there for him when he was living. You showed your love when he was living, and that is what counts.

Peace.

[GreenPartyVoter]

10. *hugs* I am glad that your beliefs help to sustain you through

your losses. Mine do, to a degree, but right now I am still too much in turmoil to really rely on them.