just checking in to see how everybody is

[havocmom]

Always know people are thinking of you and hoping you are doing better each day. Here for you on the days that don't go so well.

:grouphug:

[DollyM]

1. this weekend is difficult for me . . .

This was always a big family time for us, we would grill hot dogs and hamburgers and our son would tell me how he was "starving" (okay as a teenage boy he was ALWAYS starving!) as he waited for me to pull the food off the grill. I can still see him standing there, plate in hand, with a silly grin on his face. Later on, we would all load up the van and go to see Fireworks together. It was just one of those slow, easy summer weekends that made you feel like life had no problems and that America was united in celebration. Now, as I sit here by myself (well, with three cats), I find myself resenting people who are doing things with their kids this weekend. I know it's wrong, I just find myself feeling incredibly jealous and cheated because I no longer have a son. So, I am thowing myself a private pity party this weekend and hoping to get onto the next week. It can't come soon enough . . .

[havocmom]

2. Oh, Dolly, it isn't wrong at all. It is what it is, one facet of grief. It's OK.

Were it in my power, no one would be missing anyone. Alas, just human. But I do kinda understand. Sometime holidays are rough and it is surprising which holidays can be the roughest. We all expect pain at Christmas, birthdays... but the blue meanies sneak up at time we might not be expecting them.

Been thinking about the play 'Our Town' a lot lately. We miss so much of the real value of ordinary days in our haste to get things done. Then, when quiet is forced upon us, we realize all the moments that were so very very special in the small details of life they held.

It will be a better week. Not great, perhaps, but less sucky.

Years ago, during the worst of times for me, I came across an affirmation which helped me keep a grip on really bad days. I wrote it on a couple of colored index cards. Put one on the mirror in the bathroom, one beside my bedroom door.

"Today is NOT what forever feels like. This moment is not always. Other feelings will come in time."

Today is not what forever feels like. You will always miss him. But some days won't be as bad.

In the meantime, know people send love and strength.

It's my mom I miss on this holiday. It was her favorite. Can't imagine the pain of missing a son on what should be a carefree summer day.

:hug:

[DollyM]

3. thanks Havoc . . .

I still feel really blue today, could barely drag myself into work and seemed "out of step" all day long. I think part of it is remembering how sad I felt last year at this time. This seems like a never ending cycle. In time, I know I will get used to him being gone but right now it just hurts so very much as I miss him so very much.