It's the little things that seem to upset me the most . . .

[DollyM]

I have my son's cell phone, it has messages from his friends, a record of the calls he made up to the last minutes of his life. I kept it and have been using it. It gives me a great deal of comfort. A few days ago, I left it in my pocket and it went through the washing machine. It was water logged and wouldn't do anything. I must have cried for two days over that. My 16 year old van with 200 thousand miles needs replacing . . . it is full of memories of vacations and many long talks with our son, so letting it go is equally as painful.
I talked with a man today at the assisted living facility where I work, he is turning 97 on Saturday. He shared with me his struggles with faith after the death of his 31 year old son. I asked him how long ago that was and he said his son died of cancer in 1968. I was a bit stunned that this man was still stuggling over his son's death and his grief seemed as fresh as if it were yesterday. I shared with him that I indeed understood how he felt as I had lost my son one year ago in May. So we cried together.
Maybe ruined cell phones and old vans that need replaced are worth much more than we realize because they are something tangible of the represenation of our memories. When we lose those, it seems that we have truly lost that person. But it is inevitable. I just know know that I don't want to be grieving and angry over my son's death in 40 years like I am at this point. I just have to figure out how to give up the tangible things and still find a way to keep his memory and spirit intact in my life.

[orleans]

1. and i'm sure you will find a way to figure out how to give up the

tangible things while keeping his memory and spirit intact in your life.

it's just so new -- and probably the biggest adjustment you'll ever make in this lifetime. i absolutely understand not wanting to let go of things that are connected with your child.

have you taken the phone to a phone store to see if they can retrieve any of the info that was on it--like in a memory card or something? when one of our cell phones broke the phone store was still able to transfer pictures and phone numbers (if i remember) onto a new phone. and then the voice mails were able to be accessed because we were able to keep the same phone number. maybe check it out--it might not all be lost.

either way, i'm sorry about what happened to the phone.
and giving up the van--especially if it's out of necessity rather than choice--sounds like a hard thing to do. i'm sorry.

[ceveritt]

2. DollyM

It is of little, if any, cold comfort, but I know how you feel. All sympathy.

Some days, like the last two, all there is, is grief. I don't believe it will ever go away. I hope it will for you, though.

[havocmom]

3. You are already getting there. Problem is, with so much pain, it's hard to see

Hard to see your own growth in dealing with the aspects of your terrible loss, but I see it in you.

No, the pain never goes away, but as mentioned before, we get better at dealing with it and that makes us better people. We become more empathetic and we sense nuances better. We get heightened senses while we are really trying to dull them

That old gentleman will carry your messages to your son when he goes. That he is still around means he had something very important left to do. Perhaps that was meeting and talking to you.

Your son's memory is alive as long as there are people who remember. I am sure the loss of that phone was really painful. If you get a chance to visit with his friends again, perhaps one or two wouldn't mind leaving him another message on a new cell phone. My guess is they miss talking to him too. Might be worth asking.

:hug:

[DollyM]

4. I am going to see about saving the phone . . .

The SIM card in the phone is damaged so I am going to see if I can order a new one as everything else in it still seems to be working. If not, I decided I am going to take it out and dig a little hole above his grave and put the phone in "with" him. I have put a down payment on a newer van but plan to keep the old one for a while. It still runs, it just doesn't like heat or cold which doesn't leave much weather for it!
Saturday, my mom and I are going cat shopping. We found a litter of Siamese kittens in the paper for sale so we thought we would go check it out. (We lost our son's 16 year old Siamese cat the night before he died. I always believed that they crossed the rainbow bridge together.) My mom is going through CHemo right now and is home all the time other than that so I though a new kitten would do us both good.

[havocmom]

5. all things considered, a kitten sounds like a fine idea!

Be sure and fill us in about whether you brought one home, and all about it!

:hug:

I really think you are doing very well taking care of yourself and your mom. Sometimes we don't stop and appreciate our own courage when we are feeling pain.

You are an inspiration, Dolly. And from what I get about my sister and her son, I think that sons who have gone on before their mothers are close by, still hoping to find ways to make mom smile. Someone who 'saw' my nephew with my sister commented about the tall handsome young man with her and how he wanted her to stop feeling so sad. He was right there with her.

When you look at those kittens, seems likely you and your mom will actually be a three-some.

[DollyM]

6. we brought home the cutest little fuzzball of a kitten . . .

We found a part siamese/part persian kitten that has stolen our hearts! Today I came in from work and I heard my mom laughing. It has been months since I heard my mom laugh. The kitten was apparently doing the things kittens do and clowning for my mom and she was laughing at his antics. The odd thing is, the kitten has no fear of the other two bigger cats and seems to know right where everything is in the house. I think he was just meant to be . . .

[orleans]

7. emotional fragility

i have had it rather intensely the past couple of days

of course, it seems to go in waves--some waves just wipe me out/overwhelm me

the other day i lost it when i sat at the kitchen table and noticed my daughter's toy pinwheel that my mom had placed in the laundry room window--just to be funny--just to see if i'd notice

my eyes wandered to the poinsettia plant near the window and i thought of when my mom put all these small red velvet bows on a poinsettia plant to decorate it one december, just to be funny, just to see if i'd notice

or the cut out pictures of the geico gecko and hang them in my office--just to be funny, just to see if i'd notice another gecko added to the group.

my regrets at having cleaned them all out before she died. they were several years old, about thirty of them and it was time to say goodbye to that little lizard. i wish i had saved at least one.

emptying the dishwasher--god, how i want to say: "if you put the dishes away i'll do the dishes"--i do say it out loud. i don't mind putting the dishes away, which i am doing as i say it. i just wish so damn much i could say that and mean it--that she would still be here to put the dishes away.

so there i am today, sobbing over the fucking silverware drawer--my god!

wondering what the hell happened to my life. i absolutely had one a year ago. i know i did.

[auntAgonist]

8. Your post describes so much

of your raw feelings of grief and sadness. I am crying along with you. Such wonderful memories of your dear Mother and her sense of humour.

:hug:

I'm so sorry you're in such emotional pain.

My Mum is gone too. Some days easier than others.

:hug:

kesha

[orleans]

13. you're right--some days are easier than others

for so long each day was horrible
but it's been nine and a half months now--and it has finally changed and i do feel some days are easier.
i had her in my life for so long--i was so damn lucky, i know that. but i want more...i want more--i want her back.
it's this "adjustment" period that is so difficult.
i've gone through the "adjustment" before with my dad, my nana, and a dear friend of mine. but this is so much harder--
this is so much harder...
(and it's a bad/hard night tonight)

[ceveritt]

9. fragile emotions

That's it, in the so-called nut shell. Every gxdamned day is different. Some days are much harder than others, because the emotions are still so brittle, even after 2+ years. And there's no way to know when we'll be blind-sided by an image, a song, a thought, a memory. And then comes the hot, throat-burning rain of tears, and chest-heaving sobs.

I'm tired of living.

And I agree with you about the last two sentences. I used to have a life. Swear I did. It was imperfect, like everyone's. But it was a life.

Fuck me if I know what it is I have now. It doesn't resemble a life much. If I didn't have the girlz to care for—our two cats—I'd have given up some time ago.

My late wife actually told me once, "If you die, I'm going to kill myself and come after you." I wish I had that courage.

I am sorry, orleans. I am so very sorry.

[DollyM]

10. I hear you on the cats . . .

My 57 year old husband is in a nursing home, my son is dead and my 82 year old mother has cancer. All I really have are these cats that need me. They brighten my day and keep me going. Sometimes I think angels have fur . . .

[orleans]

12. dolly...

i'm glad you have those fur angels to watch over and who, in turn, watch over you. you're going through so much--
:hug:

[orleans]

11. thanks ceveritt for the bit of tea and sympathy

today was okay for me--tonight was going along--then it really sucked for awhile. my eyes are still stinging.
sometimes i think that going on with life takes the most courage.

[ceveritt]

14. You are

most welcome, Orleans.

Yes, I hate the hot tears, and the sobs that suck all the air from my chest.

I don't know what takes the most courage anymore.

Best wishes,
CE