I just visited my uncle today

[astral]

I had not seen him in a few weeks and he is leaving this planet soon I think. I hate life right now. Big strong happy beautiful people end up like this and hardly anybody cares.

And it's funny, you know other people have gone through this too but I don't want to talk to anybody who knows me I just want to put it here because all kinds of people here can understand without having to know the details.

I do not have a family who gives a damn about anything except what they can get their hands on, they are long gone out of his life when there was nothing left to get. Except my mom. But she is not having a very nice life anymore either. I wish my life would end here. I see nothing in front of me but a long period of sorrow and nothing after that.

[pinboy3niner]

1. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, astral

It is essential that you develop a support system to help you through this difficult time. That can mean a lot of things, including professional therapy, a therapy group, a network of close friends, spiritual support from your faith group--whatever may apply that is something you can be comfortable with. DU can be a part of that.

Before you conclude that no one cares, there is something you should see that you may find very helpful. When I lost my brother recently, at first I bottled it up and told no one, not even allowing myself to grieve. I wasn't aware of this group until today, so I finally posted in GD about my loss and the difficulty I was having. Please have a look at the overwhelming response I received from our fellow members (even if you've seen such threads before):

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x9263729

For me, DU became a spontaneous support group, and that made all the difference in the world for me at a critical moment. It was incredibly helpful to me when I needed it most. It was only that support that enabled me to do what I had to to get through a very difficult time of sorrow, loss and grief.

At a time when you are overwhelmed with concern for members of your family, it's especially important that you take care of yourself, too.

I care, and my thoughts and concern and best wishes are with you. :hug:

Love &Peace,
pinboy3niner

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear astral...

Ah, my heart goes out to you during this terrible time. I'm sure your uncle very much appreciates your concern and love for him now.

pinboy3niner has some excellent thoughts. I hope they will help you.

I think your mom might want to know about your uncle, if she doesn't already. Sometimes it helps us feel less alone when they are suffering alongside us.

Safe passage to your uncle.

Hugs for you...:hug: :hug: :hug:

[CTyankee]

3. I hope you can receive some bereavement comfort and help...

I lost a dear family member in June and was incredibly sad and couldn't pull myself out of it. I thought of her all the time and cried thinking about her life and mine, so inextricably linked, and how I loved her. Now, when I think of her I think of Paul Simon's lyrics: "sail on silver girl, sail on by...all your dreams, see how they shine...oh, if you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind..."

It seems at times like that that you are in a cold room, with no one around to understand what you are going thru. Crying, raging, feeling helpless...terrible feelings of loss...at a certain point I just had to tell myself that nothing would ever make losing her any better, even tho I know and love her children and grandchildren.

Every one of us counts, every single one. I hope you find the small solaces -- perhaps in memory of better times (telling the stories), sharing the photographs (if and when you can bear to do so), there must be someone, somewhere with whom you can do a little of this, if not with your family.

And, give yourself time. Stay with yourself, it will, in time, put itself into a framework that you can deal with better...never the same, of course, but then our bodies have scars, why not our souls?

Take care...

[sandnsea]

4. I wish I could scoop you up in a big hug

There really isn't anything to say when someone is losing a loved one, so I will tell you what I just told my step-son when his mother died unexpectedly.

This is going to rip your guts out.

Loss of a loved one always does.

It is good you can be there for him, at least there is someone and that means everything. Literally everything.

After you get through this, if you still see "nothing", I so hope you will consider anti-depressants if you haven't already. And of course a support group if you haven't already. I just read this morning "Friends are the family you choose to create". Maybe you will find a more supportive "family" when you put yourself among a new group of friends.

:hug:

[Amerigo Vespucci]

5. Astral, one of the toughest things I've had to deal with in the face of loss...

...is the fact that the world keeps turning, just like it would on any other day, totally oblivious to what is happening in my personal moment.

When my dad died, the medical examiner came out, as did the people from the Neptune Society (my parents both opted for cremation).

When they were finished in the house, they put him in the body bag, placed him on the stretcher, and wheeled him out to the van.

I followed them, and looked around the cul-de-sac outside of my parents' house.

I vividly remember my thoughts (this was 17 years ago).

I thought "This is one of the worst days of my life, and none of the people in any of these houses are feeling a fraction of what I'm feeling right now."

Truth is, we all experience loss...it's an inextricable part of life. You can't have life without loss. You can't have loss without life.

And we all experience loss in our own way, and in our own timing.

I believe that every person on DU has stories to tell...some inspiring, some heart-rending, some that are both. But we all have those stories, and in their wake, we all make a conscious decision to go on.

If your uncle was everything you say he is, I can guarantee that what he would want most right now is for you to look to the people who DO care and don't give a moment's notice to the ones who DON'T.

The caring and support are there, but you have to extend your hand and welcome those people into your life. You will never have trouble finding people who do not care. Don't let them blind you to the people who do.

You have my prayers and thoughts for healing.

[EFerrari]

6. I'm so sorry, astral.

This may be a good day to take it easy and not to plan all the other ones. A day to do the simplest things you need to do and to let the rest go for now.

It's hard not to have a family that can be there for you, I know. But we're here, for what we're worth.

:grouphug:

[Dystopian]

7. My heart goes out to you~

Dear astral~

We are all survivors here. Life and death.....we all deal with it in our own ways. And yet, we are overwhelmed with disbelief that we made it through the inner pain of loss. I have. You will, too. I promise. It is a fact of life.

It seems as though you've just started the grieving process. Many years ago I lost five beloved family members in eleven months. I just happened to be taking a course which described the five stages of grief:

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

Because I lost so many in such a short period, I felt that I didn't know how to grieve. At times, I wanted to go with them. Other times, I was numb. I sought professional help.....Although I had my children, I felt alone. And they were also grieving. We all made it through the darkness, and today, smile and recall wonderful memories of our loved ones. The old adage 'time heals all wounds' seems so very trite and simplistic. Yet it is true. We heal....we carry our loved ones in our hearts....forever. And there are days a memory will bring sadness and a moment of tears....
But it passes......And will surely emerge again...yet without the profound pain that you are feeling in this moment.

I don't know how close you are to your uncle....if you are able to visit and be with him often. About a year ago, a very dear friend lost his uncle. He held him and said, "I love you", and then his uncle took his final breath. Bittersweet closure. There are so many stories I can relate, yet they are about me and others.

Right now...this is about you and your impending loss. Many have shared experiences and have tried to help you through this with positive suggestions that I hope you take to heart. When I was young, I ran away from death and dying....I was afraid. When I got older, I couldn't run....
I had to face it. It's difficult, seems like the sun will never shine again....But these feelings are normal, and will fade away. There is life for you after your uncle's passing. There is an appreciation of life and an empathy for others that becomes a part of us. Your sorrow will pass...those intense feelings that are part of you now....not forever.

Please know that there is happiness.....it will come.
It is part of the life cycle....Again, I promise.
All we really have in life is time....

peace & love to you~

[cliffordu]

8. Please Please Please

talk to someone.

We are NOT prepared for any of this in our culture.

You need to get some help for this. I did, after suffering the same kind of loss last year.

It isn't all suffering as it looks right now, please believe me.

I'm pulling for you, as we all are. This grief and berevement is the common thread throughout all our lives, it is truly the one thing we all share.

Bless you.

c.

[Whoa_Nelly]

9. By putting here how you are feeling

shows you are in need of love and support.

There are no words beyond the ordinary ones to share in your sorrow for all you are going through, but know this:

You shared here, you are cared about here, so you now know you are not alone.

When all seems to be the big and untenable nothing you may see in front of you today, look to the moment of any bright spark that may make you smile, and hold onto to it...tightly. A friend once told me, through all the pain and rheumatoid degeneration of her joints, she would look daily for anything to capture that type of moment...a butterfly, a funny or beautiful cloud...it did not matter. She took each of those moments, held on tightly to each and every one of them, and in return found a smile, sometimes a laugh, she could share, if only with herself. It was one way to make life bearable, and to be connected to the world.

So, you are not alone. You have been brave enough to share the depth of your feelings and yourself here. In return there is support to continue to know this, to be brave, to move to each next moment, and hold on to all who care about you, your situation and the sorrow you have for those you love.

You can do this. You told us you could because you told us your story today. :hug:

[Waiting For Everyman]

10. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, astral.

I don't have any wisdom to offer, only that I've "been there". My husband of 25 years died 3 years ago at Christmas. My Mom passed away 2 years before that. Neither seem real to me, even yet. I can confirm what others have said - that better days will come, even though that doesn't feel possible now. Don't give up on what's yet to be in your life. It's not always bad that comes, sometimes it's good and you never know WHEN that will be.

Keep giving life a chance, astral. Your uncle and your Mom sound like great people, and I doubt that they'd want you to lose hope. Remember that it's up to you to keep the qualities you love(d) about them in the world... by being that yourself.

Since your Mom is still with you, make the most out of the time that you can. I don't know the circumstances and sometimes they can be difficult, but try. Hold on to the time you've got; hold on to the memories when they're gone.

In general we don't have the family and friend connection with people that we used to, to fall back on. That feels very lonely, and it's a real situation. But keep giving people a chance and stay open to life even though it hurts right now. When nobody's around to talk to, come here. We all know how it feels.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

Peace,
Ann (WFE)

[ceveritt]

11. astral ...

Like so many others here, I am deeply sorry for what you're going through. I will not lie to you and say I understand what you're going through. I cannot.

What I do understand is the wish for life to end. I've felt that way virtually every day since my wife died in her sleep right next to me. Every day I wake up frightened and deeply depressed, disappointed not to simply have expired in my sleep. Like you, I see nothing but a hard, grim and hopeless trail ahead.

I deeply wish I could provide you some hope, some solace, something. But, again, I won't jive you. If I've no hope, how can I manufacture some for another?

I do not mean for this to be a particularly depressing missive. Just wanted to let you know, for what it is worth, there is another who feels as you do in your specific respect. All I know is I keep waking up, despite desperate entreaties that I not. Some day I will not. And that's mighty fine by me.

I do wish for you all the best, and that is the truth, despite how worthless it might sound.

CE

[Waiting For Everyman]

12. astral, I thought of you during a movie I saw last night...

and maybe you don't feel up to watching a movie about losing a loved one, but just in case you do...

"A Rumor of Angels" with Vanessa Redgrave.

[astral]

13. Thank you for all your posts

You know how people can live and die with nobody bothering to come around and then when they die all these people come out of the woodwork talking about how much they cared, this is something I have to stay away from. I know he knew who cared and who did not care. He used to be able to talk to me about it. I am having a time of total disillusionment with human nature. But I know there is positive and negative and we have to choose what to allow into our lives and what to stay away from, when we can.

God bless you all.

[polly7]

14. I'm so sorry astral.

I know pretty much what you're going through. Your uncle was lucky to have someone who cared so much, so many people die alone. Hopefully you can take comfort knowing you were there when he needs to know he's loved and that will remain in your heart forever. Families can be cruel, I hope your Mom's situation gets better, it must be so sad for her to lose a brother. Comfort and hugs. Take care of yourself, your uncle wouldn't want you to suffer forever.

I posted before I read the others, including yours. My family is the same, my Dad recently died and after four years of running him hours to the city to get his hearing and eyes fixed so he could enjoy life, he came down with an illness he couldn't stand the thought of fighting. My relatives nearly all turned against me, it was awful. Most of them now are people I used to know. It hurts feeling alone. I take comfort knowing that as someone else told me, the good parts of him will be in my heart forever, and there were so many good things, he was an ordinary man but certainly my hero. Loved by his other children too, but they always had more important things to do than worry about him much. The thought of them swooping in like vultures one of these days makes me ill. I know it's going to happen, he didn't have much to leave ......... I took his old sweater and a hat that smells like his hair. They can fight over the rest.

[astral]

15. Thank you.

It does help to know I am not alone in what I am going through. Really. The 'shoulds' are going to get me, but later, not now. I do know whatever the next realm is he is going full-bore with laughter into his next adventure. He did love to ponder about life, and he made an impression on everyone who met him. I have looked up to him ever since I can remember. I have to not let the negative things 'out there' get into my head and bring ME down. It's not my business, it's God's business what ever other human beings on this earth have to learn. I have my lessons, and right now it seems they are one right on top of the other.

I do, for now, need to stop fighting the urge to go to bed. I am DEAD TIRED. g'nite, all.