I miss my Dad

[polly7]

I've had losses before and have spent years trying to go on ..... this is somehow different. I don't know how to deal with it, he was my rock and the only person I had who truly understood and was always there, he never failed with his quiet humour and deep wisdom to help me fix whatever I needed help with. No matter what, I knew I could go to him always. Now, he's gone. The coroner said it was suicide, I don't believe that. He was ill and many nights took his gun out to scare off the coyotes howling, so he could sleep. I believe he fell. If it was suicide, I understand ..... he was a man who never wanted to be a burden to others. I thought he knew I would and was trying to do everything I could think of to get him help, but he was so discouraged with all the hospital trips and treatments. I would have traded places with him in a second, he had so many people who needed him badly. When I think of the torture of the mind he must have gone through it's unbearable. It's supposed to get easier but each day gets worse. I shingled part of my roof again and sat down crying because he wasn't there to ask how to put on the flashing. He wasn't there today to ask what that sound is in my car. I just really, really need him. It just hurts so bad.

[orleans]

1. i'm sorry you're hurting, polly

i'm coming up on the one year anniversary since my mom crossed over and i miss her all the time. all. the time.

in your darker moments when you torment yourself (as i have done a thousand times) it is important to know that he isn't going through the mental torture you refer to anymore. whether you believe in an afterlife or not--he is no longer struggling. we are the ones who struggle now. and we have to learn to cope and adjust to a new way of living. and, at least for me, it is the hardest time i've ever gone through--my darkest hours have been this last year.

i have needed my mom for countless things and i've wanted her twice as much so i understand when you talk about wanting to ask him about the roof & the noise in the car--it's a million little things.

i want to be able to say "if you empty the dishwasher i'll do the dishes" or "can you turn on the coffee at six?" or "what do you want for lunch?" and an hour later me asking "what sounds good for dinner? what should i make?" and her saying "oh my god! don't ask me about dinner--we just ate!"

it's a huge adjustment for those of us who are left but it's the price we pay for loving and caring about someone else. take good care, polly7. not everyone's grief is gone within a week or a month or a year. maybe for now your job is to just hang on.

[polly7]

3. Thank you orleans.

I'm so sorry about your Mom. It sounds like you were very close, I truly understand the pain you still feel over those things - how they must haunt you on the bad days, but hopefully, will eventually make you smile as time goes by. I know I will have so many good memories of my Dad,but the trauma of that night and seeing him that way is all I think about right now. I'm an emt and have seen this before but every detail keeps going through my mind like a stuck record.

We lost our 7 year old 9 years ago and it seems like yesterday, I don't know if I will get through this but trying to hang on is all I can do now. Your words are very kind, and just ........ thank you.

[pinboy3niner]

2. Your dad sounds like a terrific guy, polly

It's no wonder you miss him.

I'm old enough to have gone through many losses. And while I'm not a believer in an 'afterlife,' I do believe that I carry within me the best of them--who they were, what they did and what they stood for. And no one can take that away from me. I'll always remember.

What you're feeling is a normal part of life. A difficult part, but you'll get through it. Because, deep down, you know that that's what your dad would want for you.

My heart goes out to you. Losing your dad is one of the worst things that can happen. I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

Love & Peace,
pinboy3niner

[polly7]

4. Thank you pinboy3niner, he was the kind of person I always wanted

to be. You;re right, I need to try harder to be what he wished for me and use the way he lived his own life to get there. Everything he did was for us, we never got a chance to say goodbye, that's the hardest part and why I don't think he did it purposefully. He just wouldn't have left us this way. He was a very organized person yet there was no note, no direction, no funeral arrangements made, nothing. That just wasn't him. I'm not sure which is harder, believing he fell or ended it himself. i don't know, maybe I'm driving myself crazy here. I'm sorry for this, but thank you so much for your words, I know they're right.

[livetohike]

5. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad

:hug: I hope you can use your will to remember the good memories and good qualities of your Dad's life to push away the sadness and agony of his last day on earth. Know that he loved you and that love doesn't die - you will feel it in your quiet moments and when you wonder, "What would Dad say about this?" or "What would Dad do?".

It's been almost 6 years since my Dad died (of pancreatic cancer). It took me a long time to stop dwelling on his suffering and remember the blessing it was to have him in my life. When I find my mind slipping backwards to the negative things, I always conjure up a good memory to replace it.

[laylah]

6. I am so very sorry for your

loss, Polly. :hug:

Jenn