a great surprise that came too late

[orleans]

i've been having a hard time lately. i've been working on organizing my music collection, cataloging songs, etc. i also started putting together songs my mom liked/loved/laughed over/danced with/etc. and that little project snowballed--fast!

i haven't really listened to music this past year (over a year now)--it was such a tremendous part of our lives and i've purposely avoided it. but this past month i've had time to work on this and so i've been surrounding myself with music.

and it has been unbelievably hard. and i've had my mental meltdowns over and over and over and over.

yesterday i found this tremendous collection of music from the big band/jazz/swing era. there were these big bands that were recorded and broadcast live from numerous ballrooms and dance clubs and dance rooms in chicago. all places my mom had been to and danced at. she would have been absolutely *thrilled* to sit and listen to this great collection, to sit and read the booklet that came with these cds, to tell me that she could have actually been there the night this was recorded, to be so surprised and happy to see & hear this.

but i found it too late. i found it yesterday.

oh my god! i thought i was gonna lose my mind over that. i played the cds--for hours--and couldn't get over it.

what do you do when you come across something like this? i don't remember this sort of thing happening after my dad died years ago. sure, i'd see a certain book or movie or hear a song and think: "wow--my dad would really have liked this."

but this was different, this collection of music i found yesterday. my mom would have been completely thrilled. it would have been the best surprise for her in twenty or thirty years! and i loved surprising her with things--and this would have topped them all in the last number of decades.

so--there i was--feeling devastated all over again--
not blaming myself for not finding it sooner (i had no idea such a thing existed)
not because she was never happy or never surprised at fun/different/nice things
but, like i said, because it would have been just so *very* special.

so what do i do, having come across this wonderful surprise?
i'm feeling cheated by time--feeling cheated out of the joy of her expression, excitement and amazement over it, feeling cheated out of what would have been a wonderful experience.

i have this wonderful surprise. and no one to give it to. anymore. and it just breaks my fucking heart...
wandering through the house...
"come back -- come back..."
my god!

so much of this music that i've been working with has been a "trigger" for these emotional lows. but yesterday was as low as it's been in a long time.

[RevCheesehead]

1. What do you do with such a surprise?

You keep it for yourself, you play it when you need to, and imagine your mom listening with you.
My dad and I watched Hogan's Heroes together... now, everytime it's on, I intentionally watch, and can hear my dad laughing along. With time, it gets easier.

I'm so glad you found something special. That's a real gift.

:hug:
Ruth