how is everyone doing?

[orleans]

i admit i check this forum/group every time i come onto du--which is pretty much every day.

and every time i come here i wonder how everyone is.

i guess i'm doing okay. or at least better than i've been. i'm not sure what changed or when it changed but the hysterics haven't hit me for awhile now.

i'm not saying i'm back to "normal" or anything--but i'm adapting to life and this house without the physical presence of my mom. this is my new "normal" (and i'd much prefer the old one, thank you very much).

and i suppose looking in from the outside i have become even more eccentric than i was a year and a half ago. i still talk to my mom--out loud--around the house, in the car, when i'm alone. sometimes my dog looks at me as if to say: "were you just talking to me? no, i guess not."

i keep a journal--(in a sense)-- i write to my mother. everything i write i say out loud and i imagine what she would say to me or how she would respond. i can hear her in my head.

i have pictures of her around the house--a picture of how she was the last year or so she was here; pictures of when she was a teenager and in her twenties/thirties. they are comforting to me. i don't feel so all alone.

i remember when my dad passed--years ago--i finally had to remove the picture we had of him in the living room. i told my mom every time i looked at it it made me so horribly sad. but, so far, the pictures of my mom are somewhat soothing, albeit bittersweet. my pretty mom.

i use the words and phrases she used--to connect with her. i keep the ritual of making coffee at dinner time--to stay connected with her. i walk past her bedroom and take note of the clothes she last wore, that i still have lying on her bed as if they are just waiting for her to step into. and every evening, when the sun sets, i go into her room and turn on her nightlight and each night before i go to bed i turn it off. and company is still not allowed to sit in her chair in the living room. the rituals, the connections, are still very important to me.

so often i would prefer to just hide here--keep the curtains closed and shut the world out and just... hide. the feeling isn't as extreme as it was, but it's still there.

i admit i haven't let her go. i've decided that as i slowly pick up my life and slowly move forward i'm taking her with me. four months into my new "normal" someone told me i *had* to let her go because she had things to do and accomplish where she was at. at first i felt terribly guilty--how selfish of me for not letting her go. but then i realized that *i* had always been her priority and that, in the scheme of things, she probably wouldn't mind waiting awhile before she got started on whatever else she needed to do.

when she passed i was never so bereft of joy in my life as i had been during those dark days. my goal--long term--is to start recapturing some of the joy in my life--and to make her a part of it. and i'm trying. i really am trying.

so, now that i've spilled a few of my secrets--how is everyone else doing?

[ceveritt]

1. Orleans ...

... I am happy you are doing better. Outstanding.

"Bereft of joy." Well put. It's indeed a grim thing to come to terms with, that we'll never know a particular joy again. But there it is.

My wife's ashes are on top of my dresser in the bedroom, with the front of the box covered by a print of the last photograph I took of her some months before she died. Every single time I enter that room, I say, "Hello, Sweetheart." I don't think we ever let the dead go. How could we? They are too intertwined with us ever to part with them.

"The old normal." Yes, I would infinitely prefer that as well.

To answer your question, I guess I'm as OK as I get these days. The pain is less. I have just enough work to keep my two miscreant cats fed, and to keep the wolf from crashing through the door. I can ask for no more.

I am glad you are trying—and are able to try. That's the difficult part.

Thanks for posting, and asking. I wish you the best in life. You deserve it.

Best,

CE

[SharonAnn]

2. It's been a year now since losing my spouse and I'm feeling almost normal.

He died on Fe. 26th last year.

For the first 3 months after his death I was numb.

For the next 3 months I was aware of feeling numb.

For the next 3 I started, gingerly, to get back into some of my previous activities.

For the last 3, I have been feeling more normal most of the time.

It's now infrequent when I feel the aching hollow place in my heart. And it lasts long enough for me to think lovingly of him, and then I let it go.

Life is good now, though it's not as much fun as it used to be. I hope that gets better.

DU was a real lifeline to me when I could no longer spend time in political activities or with political friends while he was ill. Then, after his death I just couldn't face people for a while so I continued to come to DU for my political survival.

Now, I still spend a lot of time on DU (when I can).

[Paper Roses]

3. Just holding on. One day good, next day something happens.

For the first time in 2 years, I have had the courage to do a few things I have thought about. I consigned some furniture to a shop to sell. I don't need these things any more. I also traded a chest of drawers for a chair. Bought a smaller sofa to replace the one in my den. We have a new consignment shop in town with good prices. The owner has worked with me on prices so this furniture I can't use any more will sell to someone who needs it.

I had trouble when the things we had for years were removed but I had to rid myself of some stuff. The money will help me with my next tax bill.

45 years married encompasses a lot of memories. Just seeing some of this go out the door broke my heart.

The worst part of hanging on is at night. Just moving the pillows is a hard thing to do.
I hope my husband would approve of what I am doing.

To all of you, I hope time heals. The wounds are deep, the road is long. I need to get to a point where I remember the good with a smile, not tears.

Thank you for asking.

[polly7]

4. Hi Orleans I hope you're doing well. n/t