Introduction thread. Please let us know who you are, and if you are

[GreenPartyVoter]

comfortable with it, who your are mourning.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. I am Jen and I'm 33. I lost my mother very suddenly on Jan 28th 2005 to a

heart attack. Currently, I am not doing real well with this and am eating everything in sight rather than feel sad and angry. (This is my normal M.O., though. I always do this when I am stressed out, and did the same thing when I lost my MIL to pancreatic cancer 7 years ago.)

[Andy_Stephenson]

4. Hi yall...

I lost my oldest sister Nov 30, 2004 to sarcoidosis. I am sad and angry that I did not get to go see her before she died. Now I am mourning myself as I have been diagnosed with a pancreatic tumor. When it rains it pours I guess. I am damned depressed and if I had the energy I would be pacing the floor. The loss of energy is the hardest thing for me to deal witth as I have always been really energetic and a happy go lucky guy. Now...I hang dog.

I don't know what to do...everything I once found inportant in life...is no longer as important as it once was.

[alittlelark]

6. I lost my MIL to pancreatic cancer 12 years ago.

Horrible disease. When I mourn I tend to display anti-social behavior - your mourning seems quite normal. Better than anti-social behavior anyway.

I have not lost a parent yet. I'm not sure how I would react.

My college roomate drove up into the Sandia mountains last month and blew her brains out with a gun she bought earlier in the day. She seemed OK at the Christmas party. I'm still digesting that one. I'm her 18 year old son's 'godmother'. Many issues.

[Cleita]

8. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

10. My mil's experience with pancreatice cancer was awful too.. Misdiagnosed

for months, and in the end it was her meds that killed her.

And I am so sorry about your college roommate. My uncle killed himself too, and by far, in many ways, that was the worst loss for me because it was a choice.. left me with a lot of anger.

I hope that you can connect with your godson in some way. The two of you can help each other through this *hugs*

[alittlelark]

15. He and I are connecting almost daily.

She left him w/ less than nothing - and he's got to get through college.

[GreenPartyVoter]

17. I am glad you are there for him. Is he in college now or a HS senior?

[alittlelark]

20. He got his GED a few weeks ago.

His home life was so messed up he dropped outlast year. He has always been an 'A' student, but is rather high-strung. He's been smokin' a lot of pot lately, but he got a job that starts next week.
NM uses it's lottery $$$ for scholarships for all NM HS graduates w/ above a 2.5 GPA. He will get that - all we have to worry about is room and board, and helping him get his act together.

[GreenPartyVoter]

21. If/When he is ready, and if you think it is appropriate see about hooking

him up with his campus' 12-step type groups. Seriously, NA and AA went a long way towad helping my brother get his head sorted out.

[alittlelark]

23. He has yet to cry over his mothers' death.... we have many small

steps to take.

[Kire]

2. I'm Erik, I'm 29.

I lost my first AA Sponsor, my father and my best friend, all in 2003.

I've been really depressed and angry a lot. It's very easy to get my feelings hurt lately, especially at work.

I love the idea of this group. Thank you to whomever pledged to participate.

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. Hi, Erik. I am so sorry! I understand what you are saying. We've all

been worried about my brother since we lost Mom, that he might go back to using. But so far he is taking it in stride and dealing with the sadness and anger in healthier ways. (It helps that his sponsor is still around. I am SO sorry you don't have yours. :hug:)

[Cleita]

7. Peace Erik, no one knows how hard it is until it happens to them.

:hug:

[Cleita]

5. This couldn't have come at a better time.

I'm feeling very blue today as the time is approaching in a couple of hours that my husband suddenly died three months ago sitting in his chair and me only feet from him. I have been crying off and on all day and trying not to dwell on it but it's hard. I will light a candle at the time and I guess cry. I really don't want to dump on anyone and didn't want to post in the lounge or phone a friend. This is so welcome, I can't tell you.

[alittlelark]

9. Lighting a candle really does seem to help.

It helps me as well. I'm very sorry about your husband. I would be so lost w/o mine. My family lives into their 90's, his into their 60's.... it is likely a reality I will need to face.

[Andy_Stephenson]

11. Sorry for your loss.

I hope you find peace.

[Cleita]

12. You too Andy. You are going through so much yourself these

days Andy. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

14. Hi, Andy. I mentioned your recent troubles to my dad. Even though he got

bounced from DU for being an ardent Nader supporter, he still cares about the folks here and tries to keep up on them. Was very shocked to hear about Kheph, with whom he had some fascinating discussions.

[Andy_Stephenson]

19. Well tell your dad Hi

for me...Keph was a great loss to us all. He is truly missed.

[GreenPartyVoter]

22. Will wave at him for you. Kheph, plus my mom, was one of the main reasons

I wanted to start this group. He left such a hole here. And then, too, there are just so many DUers that I can't count them on my hands and feet who have lost loved ones in the past year. I guess that is a by-product of being a large community, but it seems that we get dealt an awful lot of those blows around here.

[GreenPartyVoter]

13. Cleita, your husband and my mom died very near each other timewise

and with both of them it was a shock. *big hugs*

I am so glad that you are still coming to DU, and PLEASE rant, rage, and dump all you want in here. This group is where we are going to offload everything we try to hold in everywhere else. *another hug*

[Cleita]

16. Thank you.

There is so much emotion, that I'm going through, sadness, anger and often despair. I hope others express their feelings as well so we can all learn from each other and help each other through the rough spots.

[GreenPartyVoter]

18. I am hoping I can get my stuff out here. I have been letting it eat away

at me as I eat everything in sight.

I think I will have to just do a big long rambling post and let the tears flow, much as I tend to struggle with that. I hope this group will be a cathartic experience for me. :)

[Throckmorton]

24. Throckmorton, lost my wife to esophageal cancer last year.

She died on March 14, 2004, we were married 13 years.

Two children, a son who is now 10, and a daughter who is 8.

All in all, we are doing very well.

[GreenPartyVoter]

25. I am so sorry *hugs* I am glad you and your kids are doing well overall.

[marions ghost]

26. Death affects us all...

as strange as it is to be talking about this in a public forum, I have no doubt it's a good thing and will be beneficial to those who have the need to talk a little about this subject we all fear.

I lost my Mom in 2003. She had a debilitating illness and for the last 5 years of it I was with her a lot and it involved a lot of death-defying hospital vigils. She always won her battles with the Jaws, except the very last time. Mom cheated death so many times it almost seemed she was invincible. I would say to the nurses, "you'll see, she won't die, it's not on her agenda." (or some other equally bad joke). She had at least 5 years longer than the doctors predicted and did an incredible amount of living in that time, but still she died way too young and was struggling right up until the last minute. It was such a hard thing to see, that incredible will to live in the face of the most terrible medical tortures imaginable. That is what is hard to get over, not so much her death, as we (her children) did have years to get used to the inevitability. It was her daily struggle to survive that I will never get over. She was just not ready to leave this earthly plane. Not out of fear, but because she felt people needed her and she had things to do (some of which related to her hardcore "liberal" causes). Her candle burned very brightly those last years.

I am sorry you lost your mother recently, GreenPartyVoter--very good to get the feelings out. No easy answers. Everyone has different ways of coping, but the death of one close to us is always life-transforming. You see everything completely differently. This ongoing "processing" in the aftermath is a lot easier said than done. Still it's even worse to bury your feelings with the departed. Grieving is not something that can be avoided, postponed maybe, but not avoided, I have found. Peace. mg

[GreenPartyVoter]

27. Thanks. I am sorry you have lost your mother too. My MIL did not go

through years but rather only months of struggling with illness. But like you said it gives us time to get used to it.. say goodbye.

I didn't have that with Mom. I did talk to her the night before, though, and I am glad. Had her spend the night the weekend before, too. But it's just hard, adjusting to life without her. So strange that I went to bed with a mother and woke up without one. Doesn't seem real and I keep thinking that she is just at school or away at a conference or something. (Ironically, the best person to talk about this with would be mom. She lost bother parents at 12.)

One of these days I will have to pack hubby and the kids off and just work some of this stuff out. Maybe beat on a pillow for a while. I think that could be very cathartic.

[we can do it]

84. Wow - Your Mom Sounds A Lot Like Mine

I'm sorry for your loss. My mom was a beacon of light through one problem after another. She always made the medical staff smile where ever she was getting treatment and she too kept bouncing back. She said she still had things to do. In June of 2004, the day we found out she had terminal cancer, she was in ICU and asked me to go get her paperwork for absentee voting....she had a lot of ups ands downs til she died but she did get to do a lot of things she enjoyed in her last months, visits with family, going out for lunch (a lot), going to the library and shopping. Her last week was especially good. She was buried the day before the nov. 2004 election.

[erinlough]

28. My oldest sister Nan

lost her battle with breast cancer on December 27th of this year. She fought for eleven years against that monster with determined tenacity. She was a wonderful person.

I was honored to be with her when she passed. She had requested DNR and that was done, she died with great dignity in my opinion. I am at peace with her life and with the choices she made for her death.

Along with being my big sister she was also my next door neighbor. She and her husband met when they were 16 and married when they were 20, they were both 64 when Nan died. It has been impossible as yet for her husband to accept her death. With this Shiavo thing happening he has become very angry at Nan for requesting DNR and feels betrayed by her. He feels that something might have been done. I can tell you there is no way she could have gone on.

I find myself very frustrated in helping him as I, and the rest of the family are going through our own grief. His kids live away from him but they have asked him to come to Canada for Easter and I am feeling kind of guilty for being relieved to have him gone for the holidays. When I read this again I sound so heartless, I'm really not...this is so hard.

Thanks for this group it couldn't have come at a more needed time for me.

Kathy

[GreenPartyVoter]

29. Kathy, no one here will judge you for feeling worn out from helping

your bro-in-law. Probably most of us have been in that position before, too. *big hug*

It does sound like he is not adjusting well. Has he been to see a counselor or a face-to-face grief support group? He has a lot of anger and denial that needs to be dealt with if he is still at the point of thinking that she could have been cured. :(

At any rate, enjoy your break from carrying his grief along with your own and see what you can do to regain your balance. Does your sister have a burial plot? My mother was cremated but we will inter her this June. Dad asked me to think up a planting scheme so that we can have flowers there for her 3 seasons of the year, and I am finding that to be helpful and hope-filled to me. :)

[erinlough]

30. thanks green-party

I hope he will consider seeing someone. We have suggested it but so far he has refused. Thanks too for the good wishes.

Kathy

[GreenPartyVoter]

31. I hope so too. :^)

[Nite Owl]

32. Hi Everyone

It's so nice we have a place to meet. Thanks GreenPartyVoter for thinking of this group.

I lost my husband almost 10yrs ago. Coming up on the anniversary in a couple of weeks. We were best friends, lovers the whole thing. If were had been abandoned on an island we wouldn't have minded as long as we were together. He died of a sudden heart attack. Had been for a physical just a few weeks before and everything was fine. One minute he was there and then he was gone. This whole Shiavo case is making it all worse right now. I know he would never have wanted to live a life where he could no longer think or speak and it would have been so selfish to try and keep him. I was left with two young boys to bring up. I don't know if I did a good job or not but they are fine young men today and I know that their dad would be so proud of them. I'm so glad they are here and we have muddled though our loss together giving each other strength and support.

It's been so long now it seems but the grief doesn't ever really end. You learn to cope better, to go on with life in a different way but it doesn't ever just stop being there. A part of myself left this world we know that night and our family was changed forever. I have friends who have been divorced and they have told me that they would rather be in my place. I had that elusive love, that relationship that so many just are not lucky enough to ever experience but that doesn't really help when all you want is to be back in time even if it would be for just a few brief moments.

Rosemary

[GreenPartyVoter]

33. Rosemary, I can't imagine doing what you've done.. raising kids

alone. *hugs* i worry sometimes about hubby or I going too young and leaving the other one with the kids. Or worse, both of us going. But, I won't borrow trouble. I have enough real problems already.

My dad says the world will never be the same for him, and I believe it. It isn't the same for me either. So strange to not have a mom anymore.

Since you have been coping for a fairly long time, what have you found helps you to get by?

[Nite Owl]

34. Honestly

just focusing on my family. The kids are everything to me. Life has been so busy, getting them through school, finding some way to make money to get them through college. They are 23 and 20 now and still at home. We all get along and made it through the 'terrible teen' stage. At some point they will finish college, find a love and hopefully live happily ever after. What I will do then I don't really know. I've never been alone so that will be a new venture.

Your dad will need a lot of time and it will never be the same. Just be there for him and let him know that he shouldn't expect to just wake up one day and it will all be ok. You can adapt but it won't be the same.

My mom passed away about 5 yrs ago. I still want to reach for the phone and ask her about something. But mom was 87, she had cancer and was in full control of how she wanted to go. She was at peace with it and we had time to talk and say goodbyes. That doesn't take away the hole that it leaves. It is strange not to have a mom. Mom's are always there. And it's the dumbest little things I keep wanting to ask her like how did you make those artichokes? She lived with us for a little more than a year at the end and I'm happy the boys got to know her.

Hugs to you too. And I hope your dad is recovering well from the surgery. What a hard time this must be for him and all of you. In a way having young children didn't give me much choice but to just move on as best I could at the time. They became my sole responsibility and I had to do it. Does your dad live alone now or with you or family?

[GreenPartyVoter]

35. Dad is alone now, although

this summer he will move in with my Nana. So that will be good. They each lost their spouse this year, and each one feels like they need to watch over the other. :)

Also, I have two little boys, ages 5 and 7, and they do my dad a world of good. Hard not to feel some small joy when those two goofballs get up to their antics. (But I am sure I don't have to tell you about those sorts of things. :) )

I hope your boys move smoothly into the next phase of their lives, and you too. (Me, I am getting ready to send my youngest to Kindergarten in the fall. I can't imagine how quiet the house will be in the mornings!) What do you plan to do when you are actually on your own? Me, that day is a ways off but somehwo I see myself getting right back in to the baby business as a daycare worker or something. Heck, I already miss having babies and it's only been a few years. *g*

[livetohike]

36. Hi everyone

I'm so glad I found this group. Thank you for forming it. I am mourning my Dad's death on Nov. 8, 2004. He was 80 years old and passed away three weeks after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

I live in CA and my whole family is in Pgh. I drove across country alone with my two dogs to be with my Dad. His father also died from pancreatic cancer back in 1979.

My Dad had a bad reaction to the contrast dye that was used during his initial CT scan. This caused his organs to begin to fail. He wanted the chemo. He wanted to fight this horrible disease. The oncologist thought he was well enough (initially) to handle the chemo and we all thought he would take his treatments as an out patient. No one predicted the problem with the dye and I still do not understand what happened. He did have two chemo treatments.

My Dad was active in the Dem party his whole life. He missed the Nov. 4 election because we were too late to get him an absentee ballot, however, he wore his Kerry/Edwards button on his hospital gown. It was the first election he ever missed voting in.

My brother ended up in the hospital two days after my Dad died. He had two strains of pneumonia and spent two weeks in the hospital. My sister and one of my sisters-in-law also contracted pneumonia, but did not have to be hospitalized. The holidays (especially Thanksgiving) were horrible since half of the family was really sick.

Anyway, I'm having a rough time with coping with my Dad's death and I am so thankful this forum exists.

Thanks for listening.

[GreenPartyVoter]

37. I am so sorry *hugs* The world just doesn't feel right wihtout our parents

in it. I am glad, though, you were able to be with him before he died, and I hope your family's overall health has improved with the coming of spring.

Seeing as there is a trend in pancreatic cancer in your family, are keeping in mind that an internal ultrasound every so often would be a good idea?

[livetohike]

38. Thank you GreenPartyVoter

I will see my regular doctor next month and mention the internal ultrasound. I am clueless on medical things.....this crisis with my Dad was the first major illness in our immediate family.

The oncologist suggested my siblings and I participate in a pancreatic cancer study through John Hopkins Univ. I received a huge packet of forms to complete. I haven't done that yet. It is a study that aims to determine the connection of pancreatic cancer in families and hopefully, one day a cure.

[flamingyouth]

39. My estranged husband killed himself almost 10 months ago

Since then I've also lost two friends my age (mid 30s) and a cat I had for 12 years.

It's been a hard year in many ways, but I've received so much support from people that it's been amazing.

My husband and I did not have a good relationship and he was an addict, but I still miss the good parts of him. I have an amazing boyfriend now who takes such good care of me and puts up with my quirks (I have many) and helps me during the times when I cannot be consoled. Life has not been easy, but I know I am very lucky indeed.

[GreenPartyVoter]

40. *hugs* Yeah, it seems like so many of us are having "Job" years this year

I am glad that things are looking up and that you are in a much better place. :)

[Rhiannon12866]

49. Hello, my friend, and I am so sorry.

I did know of your troubles, but not about your kitty. I lost mine, exactly a year ago, at age 13. Losing pets is really tough, as well, since they are our children, in many ways, and are always there for us. I still have my two dogs, but I've lost far too many. I agree, DU is the best. I am so grateful to have found it.:-)

My best wishes to you, as always.:pals:

[TOhioLiberal]

41. Hi...

...my name is Karen. My mother, the anchor of our family, died 6 months ago today.

Here's her picture:


God I miss her...:cry:

[GreenPartyVoter]

42. I miss my mommy too *hugs* Yours looks very sweet and huggable, Karen.

[Rhiannon12866]

43. I'm Rhiannon. Many of you know me. I have been on DU for awhile.

I have had all kinds of loss, pretty much everyone in my family who I ever loved, and too many pets, since I adopt older animals. But I was checking out this new, and very welcome, group, for the friend of my best friend who lost her one-year-old child in an auto accident and is having a terrible time coping with it, no surprise. My friends also share DU political beliefs with DU, so I wanted to recommend it. My friend is well aware of it, since I often send her threads, which interest her, and wish she'd join, but she doesn't have a PC at home, just at work. But I'm hoping that her friend may find some help here, since she's suffering, but is resistant to counseling. And I may return, myself. Thanks for listening.

Rhi :-)

[GreenPartyVoter]

44. Ooohhhh that just breaks my heart into a million pieces. I will be praying

for your friend. Does she have other little ones as well?

*hugs*

[Rhiannon12866]

48. This is the friend of my friend. I don't know her well, but I know she's

Suffering. Thank you so much. She had two little boys. It was the baby who was killed. Such a tragedy. Thank you for your kindness.:hug:

[gardenista]

45. Thank you for this group. I am mourning the loss of my mother-in-law

who died last November. Her cancer was misdiagnosed and she suffered more than we really knew until the end. I'm still so sad, and my husband is too, of course.

There has been so much loss lately. I just heard about Nostamj, and am in tears. So, so sad, so unexpected. God.

And, I also mourn Pope John Paul II, whom my mother-in-law respected and loved. I am glad that he did not go while she struggled. The Church gave her a great deal of strength.

The saddest thing for me is a selfish one. My mother-in-law was such a wonderful Grandmother, and was probably the best mother I know. She raised my husband to be a loving, kind man who is a true partner.

I wanted her to be there to hold my children, when and if we are ever able to have them. She knew that we struggled to have children, and I know she wanted it for us so much...

[GreenPartyVoter]

46. *hugs* It's a very hard thing. We lost hubby's mom just before our

first one was born. But I tell you, so many times I would peek into the kids' crib and just feel that she was there at my shoulder peeking in too. I hope you experience this as well. :)

[gardenista]

47. Thank you.

That is very comforting.

:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

50. I'm Lisa. And I have lost my father and my Nana, who loved me

I really don't have anyone left in my family who does. I have an emotionally abusive mother and a physically abusive brother. I have pets, but tend to adopt older pets, from rescue, so have lost more than my share of pets. And I give them the best care. My vet said it's because I adopt older animals, who may not have had the best care, that I have lost them, though my two dogs have made it well past 18. *sigh* But I do miss them, and the people who loved me. I just wish I could have saved them all, nutty as it sounds.:shrug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

51. I am sorry that you lost the family members who loved you. I hope

you can build up a new family who loves you one day. I'd say you've made a good start of it by adopting pets. Animals are people too! *well, you know what I mean. :) * And how wonderful of you to take in the older ones, who so often are overlooked by people because of their age.

*hugs*

[Rhiannon12866]

53. Thank you so much. And my pets have become my family.

When I lost my most beloved dog, Barney, at age 18, my neighbor, who also loves animals, said that, if I got another dog, I should adopt a puppy. I told her that everyone loves puppies, but who would take an eight-year-old dog, who has seizures? I've adopted two, though I didn't know it when I agreed to take them. But, if you love a pet, like a member of your family, you do whatever you can. And I've learned a lot and found a vet who is great with them. When I lost Barney, I thought my other dog missed him, so called I about another cocker spaniel, but he'd been adopted. I ended up with an eight-pound Brussels Griffon, a very rare breed, but nobody else would take him, after his owner died. I have made a new friend, who is also in animal rescue. We've kept in touch. And my little guy sleeps on my pillow. Apparently, that's what he was used to. Thanks so much for your kind words.:hug:

[Digit]

52. My father, who is in ICU, about to be moved to a Hospice

It came on so suddenly. He had cracked his hip in a couple of places, and then his lungs suddenly collapsed. He almost died at that time and nobody understood what was going on.
That was about 4 months ago. Now, he is diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and pneumonia and is in the ICU. I was able to speak with him today only briefly. I called to tell him I loved him and that I was sorry he was feeling so bad. He faintly said, "I am, too." This man had never, ever told me he loved me, but when I had told him between tears that I loved him, he said, "same here."
He was having such a difficult time breathing that I asked if he needed to go and he said yes. He had to take off the breathing mask to even speak with me.
He is not expected to live long, so they are moving him to a hospice. I am in another state entirely, and am unemployed after losing my job...(thanks Bush).
This man never smoked or drank, so I am so perplexed at his condition, and how it progressed so quickly.
Hearing him gasping for air in the background made me break down and cry.
His wife, (not my mother) is taking wonderful care of him and I have expressed my gratitude to her. She is not in great shape herself and she is one strong, fine, woman.
I already lost my mother in '98 and I was her caretaker. I had to be the one to say she did not want extraordinary measures to prolong her life. Of course, at the time, I wanted to keep her around, but I had to go with her wishes. That was one of the toughest decisions in my life.
Now, I am losing my last parent. Thank God I was able to tell him I loved him today. I don't think I can sleep tonight thinking of the gasping I heard on the phone.
Thanks for listening.

[Rhiannon12866]

54. Wow! I am so very sorry. I've also been there, but not the same.

I still have my mother, who is difficult, but I lost my Dad, so identify with you. You are fortunate in two ways I was not, though I sure know it doesn't feel like it. My mother was very rough on my Dad, when he was sick. She is not good with sick people. My Dad depended on me, and my mother doesn't remember. You are fortunate to have another advocate for him.:-)

And your conversations with him, these days, are very precious. I did not know that I was going to lose my Dad. He had cancer, beat it, but it came back. The night before I lost him, I wasn't feeling well, so I went to bed early. He took my hand, looked into my eyes, and gave me a kiss. I know now that this was his goodbye. You have more time than I did. And you have marvelous help. Take the time and ask questions. Do what you need to do. And please understand that I am entirely here with you. I know and my heart is with you. I am always willing to listen.:hug:

[Digit]

55. I was very concerned about him going into the Hospice at first...

I felt it was like a first step at getting him away from the people who could get well, or admitting that he will never be better.
After speaking with a few people, they made me realize that he would get excellent care and attention at a facility such as this.
Maybe it was part of my own denial at the fact he was terminal. I never thought I would see the day. I thought he would outlast ME!
I am grateful that I was able to tell him I loved him, so at least the last conversation we had was not about mundane issues.
He did say, "same here" when I told him I loved him, and that is the closest thing he has ever said to "I love you".
I will cherish that forever. He was never a demonstrative person.

I can recall when his father passed away and I felt him touch my foot as I was in bed going to sleep.
I was only 6 years old and I knew it was Opa telling me goodbye.
I walked out to the living room and told my Dad that Opa (german for grandfather) just died. He became alittle angry at me. We found out the next day he had passed away during the night. Nothing more was said on the issue.

I just want to thank you all for being here and listening during this trying time in my life. Since I live alone, I have no sounding board and I don't want to keep this bottled up.
I read all of your posts and mourn along with the rest of you. It certainly is tough losing a loved one.
Thank you all for caring, and do cherish your loved ones.

[Rhiannon12866]

56. I completely understand. I have always regretted that my Dad did not

Do this. But my Dad was pretty independent, until his last day, and would not have put up with much. I just know it. But I wish that he could have had more comfort, since he knew what was happening, even if the rest of us couldn't admit it.

This is best for your Dad, since you know, as you said, he's getting excellent care, and is not alone. You love him, but cannot be there 24 hours. This is one of my regrets, with mine.

And I sure know it's tough to face, but you have to do the best, for him, and you will have few regrets. *sigh* But I promise you that I know. And my Dad was not very demonstrative, either, but he made it plain to me how he felt, and I will always cherish that. And you have more time than I did. Make peace with anything that was between you. I did do that and have always been grateful.

And it also sounds like you had a lovely relationhip with your grandfather. I never knew mine, since he died when my Dad was only 12. Perhaps this spoke to his difficulty in relating to his own children, but I was his first born, and he never really let me go.

Please talk whenever you feel the need. I know that hospice is wonderful, since my uncle had this, and they were always even wonderful to me. But you know that DU is your family, and we are here for you, always. And I sure understand.

Rhi :grouphug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

57. I am glad you are getting this out. How lucky you were that Opa said good

bye. :) I hope my mom is coming around with my MIL to peek in on my little ones. It certainly wouldn't surprise me. they are the kind of ladies that it is dang near impossible to drag them away from their families. *g*

I hope your father is comfortable in the hospice and that you have more chances to tell him that you love him. I am sure that it means the world to him to hear that from you.

*hugs*

[Digit]

58. I just received the news that my father passed away this morning.

I received the news from my stepbrother and he is with his mother (my stepmother) right now.
I am alittle numb right now.
The good thing is that he is no longer in pain.
Goodbye Dad, I love you.

[livetohike]

59. Sorry Digit

I hope good memories of times with your Dad will help ease the sadness.

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

61. I am sorry you lost him. *hugs*

[Digit]

63. He is no longer in pain...

I had heard him gasping for air, so much so that it tore me apart. It has made it easier to let go.
He never smoked, never drank.
It was a short illness, but he suffered alot. Now, he is not suffering anymore.
Funny, I keep wanting to call him to tell him things, and then I realize I can't.
I still have a hard time realizing he is gone.
I am only weepy from time to time, but for now am letting what comes up...come up.

[lildreamer316]

60. Hello. I am Alex and am missing...

..my father (1994); my mother (Jan 2nd 2004) and my fiance (May 20th 2001). To be honest, the hardest one is my fiance,even though I have a fiance now. They are all buried in the same cemetery. I'm 31. Really really tired of going to funerals (3 ppl I used to work with have died in the last year also) I think someone is trying to tell me to move out of this town! (small smile here). It wouldn't be so bad, I think, except for the fact that I now live literally around the corner from the house where my fiance's family lives and he grew up. We were together 8 years,and everywhere I go carries a memory of him. Some days I can't stand it. Thanks for this group.

[GreenPartyVoter]

62. Oh, so hard! *hugs* I can't imagine the position you are in. I hope that

your current fiance is wonderfully sensitive and supportive.

[democratreformed]

64. Hello to everyone. Life just stinks sometimes.

It's been months since I've been to DU and this group was calling to me.

My first "real" experience with grief was in October of 1999 when my mother died suddenly at the young age of 52. We were told it was either a heart-attack or blood clot.

Last May 15, my 40-year-old brother-in-law was found dead one morning. The autopsy revealed massive heart disease.

Three weeks later, my 35-year-old brother-in-law drowned in a pond. He had ridden his horse out into the pond to rescue a calf and was somehow knocked from the horse.

Right now, I am really struggling with the aftermath of the latter's death. Bobby had five children - ranging in age from six to eleven. Their mother is developmentally disabled. Even so, right after his death, I believed that, with help, she could see to those children. In the past few months, I have had to face the fact that she either cannot or will not.

The oldest boy has been living with my father and mother-in-law for the past eight months. The oldest girl has been living with my daughter. The three youngest are still with their mother. It is a sad mess. The children don't get fed properly. The house is just nasty (no other word for it). All of them have had head lice continuously for the past couple of months.

About a month ago, the mother decided she wanted the oldest girl back. My daughter filed a three-day protective custody petition but the judge wanted to wait until the next day to consider it. That afternoon, Effie had to go home. She came back to my daughter that weekend and has been there since. My daughter had the lawyer to hold the three-day petition and has now had him change to a petition for permanent guardianship. She hasn't given him the go-ahead to start the process yet.

It is so hard to know what to do. After we are finished with Effie, we will have to go the same route with the oldest boy. Then, we will have to work on the youngest three. That's if social services doesn't take them first. The mother has had them called on her numerous times.

This is just something I'm struggling with and needed to share. Thanks for listening.

[GreenPartyVoter]

65. WoW! *hugs* I am so sorry that all this is going on, and I need to thank

you because I have been really stuck in the poor-me state. How selfish of me when there are kids out there who are really _truly_ suffering. :( I hope that everything can be sorted out quickly and in the best way possible for your family. *hugs*

[havocmom]

66. Auntie Net here. Missing my nephew very much. Today is his birthday.

Some days are just so much harder than others. Talked to my sis today. She seemed to be in pretty good shape. But I know, as much as I hurt, she must feel so much worse.

Shortly after losing her only son (at age 41) she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She lives far away from me but had plenty of loving people to help her with the work of getting better. But it is so hard for her. He was her best friend in the world. And I know how mch it greives her.

And I miss him so much. Even after a year and a half, there are time I just gotta set aside time to let the tears fall. I know his soul continues. I sense him sometimes. But how I long to hear him laugh. And then I think how my sister must miss him. Such a sweet, witty child. Such a truly fine, caring young man.

Happy birthday Kev. I send this into the ether, hoping you know I think of you and miss your voice.

Happy birthday, Kev.

thanks, DUers, for being here. There are days where I don't know how I would get through without this place.

havocmom, and Kevin's Auntie

[GreenPartyVoter]

68. He was her only child? :^( I am so sorry *hugs*

[Turn CO Blue]

67. I am mourning my mom.

She went to the hospital August 18, 2003 with pneumonia. Two days later they told us she had lung cancer. Two days after that they told us she also had liver cancer. Then we were told she was stage 4, and maybe only had weeks or a few months.

She had been living in tremedous pain for months before her hospital admission, and once she got on morphine, it was like she did not have the ability or will to fight the pain any longer. We had to argue with the hospital staff constantly for timely dosages of morphine, which I still am angry about.

She went into a coma on September 1, and she died September 5th.

Seventeen days on a runaway train.

[GreenPartyVoter]

69. I am so sorry *hugs*

[hermetic]

70. So I just discovered this group

My sweetie/best friend/partner of 14 years passed away May 27th. He was sick for a year, had hospice care at home for the last month so we knew it was inevitable. So I am suprised at how hard this is to deal with. I've been crying constantly for 2 weeks now, it just won't stop. This is actually my second day back at work now and I am managing that okay. But I really feel like all the air has been sucked out of the world. Everything just seems so flat.
I'm very pleased to see this group and expect to be spending a bit of time here.

[livetohike]

71. My sympathy to you enufalready

:hug:

I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer this past Nov. Try to focus on remembering all the good times you have had. It is said that time heals all......

Welcome to the group.

[GreenPartyVoter]

72. I am so sorry *hugs*

[Ken Burch]

73. My name is Ken, and my wife died suddenly on Christmas Eve Day, 2004

I've been getting a lot of support from family and friends, but it still hits hard sometimes, and I just wanted to say I'm glad this is here.

[hermetic]

74. Hi Ken

I am so so sorry. I know just how you feel, that's me a few posts up. Certain people at DU have been a great comfort to me. :hug:

[Ken Burch]

79. Yes. An inexplicable bond can develop in the cyberworld.

It also helped me to keep going just to keep posting and to remind myself that there were reasons to go on.

[GreenPartyVoter]

75. Ken, I am so sorry that you lost your wife. *hugs* How are you doing?

[Ken Burch]

76. I'm slowly doing better. Still, it divides my life

into "before" and "after."

I had been away at work(I'm in the transportation industry)and took an emergency call from the local police to say she had been found.
I'll never forget the words the cop used

"There's an issue with your wife. She's deceased."


(BTW, she had died from an accidental overdose of Valium, which was prescribed to her as a muscle relaxant. She sometimes took more than her approved dosages of medication when the pain was worse, but she had lost a lot of weight in the last year so apparently her body couldn't process the excess anymore. It stopped her heart almost instantly, they said.)

I would like to use my own situation, in part, to help be a comfort and support to other DU'ers.

[GreenPartyVoter]

77. I completely understand the before and after. What I can't understand

is the way the cop broke the news to you. That seems wrong to just dump it out there like that.

*hugs*

[Ken Burch]

78. Who knows? maybe he was young and hadn't had experiences

like that to deal with. Maybe he was just a jerk. Hard to say.
I try not to hold it against the guy, but you don't forget a phrase like that.

[Flying Dream Blues]

80. My son died August 9, 2003

He was away at college, and died in fire in the middle of the night. He was the only one who didn't make it out. I miss him so much! Today would be his 21st birthday. I posted another thread on this...somehow it just seems right to publicly acknowledge it in some small way, you know?

I know he is still alive, and that he is busy and happy. We have a deal that he will be there to greet me when my turn comes.

Love and peace to all.

[GreenPartyVoter]

81. I am glad that you are able to remember him and feel peace in your

heart. :hug:

[auntAgonist]

82. ThruTheLookingGlass

My condolences to you ..

Thank you for sharing your love for your son with us.

:hug:

aA.
kesha

[RevCheesehead]

83. My name is Ruth, and I lost my Mom a few weeks ago.

She was diagnosed with an infection in her lungs many years ago, that put a tremendous strain on her heart, as well as her breathing. In order to help her breathe better, she was on massive doses of Prednisone, which effectively destroyed her bone structure. In the last couple of years, she was on oxygen, massive pain killers for her osteoperosis, heart medicine, and so on.

Her illness was a complete mystery to all physicians who encountered her. We came to know and love her pulminologist, "Kevin," whom we adopted as an honorary member of the family. But despite all efforts, nothing could stop the accumulation of scar tissue in her lungs, which made breathing more difficult, and put her into congestive heart failure. Eventually, she was moved into the nursing home unit of the senior residence she & Dad lived in. They were still in the same building, and spent every day together.

We knew she was terminal, but didn't expect her to go so quickly. The day before she died, she was at the doctors office, and nothing unusual was found. In fact, she had a great couple of days, spent time visiting with friends, etc. Everyone is in shock - even the nursing staff, who said they had no warning, no sign.

She died peacefully in her sleep. Fortunately, there was no sign of respiratory distress (this was a big fear), and no indication that she suffered at all. I got a call at 4:30 am, telling me that when they went to check on her, she had passed away.

The grief is still raw, and my Dad and I are coping as best as we can. My brother, who lives in PA, is (and has been) emotionally detached. And even though he was here for the funeral, and did a fantastic eulogy (he's also a pastor), he has been relatively silent since he returned home.

I remember when GPV proposed this group, and gladly added my name to the list. Today, I am more thankful than ever that this group exists. I've already found so many helpful suggestions and links to sites that will give me the tools I need to grieve.

[auntAgonist]

85. Hi Rev..

Ruth, I'm so glad you are a part of this group! My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. I hope you find some comfort in the fact that she passed peacefully.

:hug:


I left you a note on the other thread too.

kesha.

[RevCheesehead]

86. Thanks so much, kesha.

Things are getting better. Tomorrow, it will be one month....I can't believe it. It still doesn't feel real.

:hug:

[femmocrat]

87. My mom died two weeks ago.

I still haven't cried. I don't know why. I was devastated when my dad died... and I really loved my mom. She was a wonderful, amazing woman. She had been so sick and I just think she gave up and didn't want to go on anymore. I guess I feel like she is finally free of the pain and loneliness. I miss her so much.

And I don't want to deal with people's sympathy... I can't even look at the cards or answer the letters. I'm just stuck. This is the first time I have talked to anyone about how I feel. Thanks for listening.

[auntAgonist]

88. It's rough, I know ...

People mean well but it doesn't help sometimes. Your protective shield will fade at some point and you'll let the people who love you come a little closer. Your heart needs protecting right now, I understand that so well. I was afraid that if I showed any emotion I would be seen as weak. I still throw up a wall sometimes. Sometimes, you have to let people in though.

:hug:
Please, accept my heartfelt condolences. It's never easy to face the loss of our Mothers.


aA
kesha

[femmocrat]

89. Thanks for your reply, kesha.

And for the condolences. I bought some thank you notes today. I'm going to try to write some thank you notes when I feel up to it.
When people ask, I answer, "I'm OK" but I know I'm not really. It's funny... I'll be looking at an ad and think, I should buy that for Mom for Christmas.... or think since it's Sunday I will call her. I guess it just hasn't sunk in yet. I don't know. It's weird.

[RevCheesehead]

90. There are no rules on how to grieve.

It sounds to me like you're still in shock. That's OK. Just remember that YOU don't have to adopt other peoples' expectations on how you should act, what you should do, or even what you feel. Follow your own path, and be true to whatever you really are feeling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Believe me, I know the feeling of being disconnected with reality. And when pain and sorrow hit, hang on tight, and remember we are here for you. This place really saved me from some deep darkness.

:hug:

[livetohike]

91. My sympathy on the passing of your Mom femmocrat

:hug:. I hope all the good memories you have of times with your Mom will help to ease the sadness.

There is no timetable for grief, how to grieve or what one "should be" doing. This group helped me when I lost my Dad three years ago. You can always come here and talk.

[easttexaslefty]

92. My son

Well actually, my mother passed away in dec from cancer, my father-in-law in April{I was his caregiver] and my son suicided 5 weeks ago. I found his body. This death so eclipses the previous deaths in my life. I am really struggling to go on. This is with therapy, anti-depressants and lots of support.

[yy4me]

93. Who I am is not the important thing for me, it is who I have lost.

In a few days I hope to post here, the awful scenario I went through this past week. My husband of 45 years dies suddenly. I am still in shock. I am trying to find out what I have to do and when. If not for the fact that my daughters were with me last week, I would have made a very costly mistake. It involves a funeral parlor, removing my husbands body from the hospital, a huge price for a simple cremation, (quick, sign here) and the net result was moving my husbands body to another funeral home.

The details will come as soon as I can get the courage to post about it. Lesson one, be careful and have someone with you at a time that is so sad and devastating that you can't think straight.

[easttexaslefty]

94. Hi yy4me

There's not much activity here it seems, but I check in everyday. I am holding you in my heart......:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

95. I despise funeral homes that try to take advantage of people in grief.

You raise a very important point... and I am relieved to know that your daughters were there with you. If you need further guidance, talk to your pastor (or the hospital chaplain), and they can help you. They usually know the local funeral homes, and can guide you to the reputable ones. They can also help you with whatever arrangements need to be made, and even guide you to support groups/grief counselors - which can truly be a godsend in the months ahead.

Still keeping you in prayer.

Ruth

[whathehell]

96. The loss of both parents...My father died suddenly over ten years ago

and it was very hard..We were close, and I could barely even "accept" it, except in the most rudimentary "rational" way for a couple of years. My name is Arlene, by the way.

Then two years ago, my mother died. I've never felt so odd, so empty, so utterly alone in my life...The loss of the last parent is a a tremendous turning point.

Someone below said it well...The world's just not the same without your parents.

[RevCheesehead]

97. Hi, Arlene

Thanks for coming to our group. These are some of the finest people around, and there's usually someone around to help lift us up, or simply offer a hug and a shoulder.

:hug:

[whathehell]

98. Thanks Ruth...I'm so sorry this reply is late!...I've been out of town

for awhile with no access to a computer.

I so appreciate your kind words...If you are an example, then you are certainly right about this forum.

You must be a wonderful woman to be able to say such kind things to me in the midst of your own grief.

My smilies won't work so I'll just say "love you"!

[livetohike]

99. I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents

:hug: I hope the good memories you have will help bring you peace and there will be more smiles instead of sadness in the days to come.

I lost my Dad in Nov. 2004 - holidays are especially rough. Everything changes.....

Welcome to our group.

[whathehell]

100. Thank you very much, Livetohike....

You are right about everything changing. Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your Dad as well.

I see your from Pennsylvania. Is Clarington anywhere near Philadelphia?..That's where I'm from originally.

[livetohike]

101. Clarington in northeast of Pgh by about 100 miles

:hi: "neighbor". My husband and I retired back here to be closer to home (which is the suburbs of Pgh.). Our moms are still living. We lived in CA before moving back here, but have lived all over the U.S. in the past three decades.

[whathehell]

102. I've never been to Pittsburgh, although I hear it's nice...California, though

...lived there long ago..never got it out of my mind.

That being said, it is nice to be close to family...I'm in the Midwest, rest of family (not many now) are on the east coast...Often think of returning there, although I prefer Chicago to my former hometown of Phialdelphia.

[nadine_mn]

103. Hello I am Nadine

and I am mourning my grandfather (who I lost this past August at the age of 85) and my grandmother who I am also about to lose this week - she is in hospice, no life support or anything.
I am also mourning our dog of 12 years who we had to put to sleep last month.

Shitty shitty shitty past 6months

[auntAgonist]

104. Nadine, such stress

:hug: I'm so sorry for the losses of the past six months. I read and replied to your other thread.

Please know that there are people here who care.

:hug:

aA
kesha

[livetohike]

105. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandfather and your dog,too

:hug: I hope your memories of good times will give you comfort and peace.

[Odin2005]

106. I'm Taylor. My stepdad died of Pancreatitis one week ago, May 29, 2009. Age 48.

He was in the hospital for a month and nobody could figure out what caused it. He was starting to improve after many surgeries on his pancreas, then that Friday afternoon he suddenly went into cardiac arrest and died.

He was one of the nicest people I have ever known. Funny, clownish, kind, generous, loved kids, loved the outdoors, loved hunting and fishing, loved helping with the animals at my sister's farm, was always working on some project, and simply the kind of person who enjoyed life. He wasn't a really intellectual person but he loved nature and had his own profound worldly wisdom. He was very liberal and could be described as half red-neck and half hippie, especially because in the last few years of his life he sported a big graying "Santa Claus" beard. He served in the army and was stationed in Germany in the 80s, and was a very active member in the local VFW and a former local VFW commander, and pissed off a lot of fellow VFW members in 2003 with his opposition to the Iraq war and was really pissed off by the swiftboaters in 2004.

He was buried near his dad, a WW2 vet, on Tuesday.

[auntAgonist]

107. Taylor, your stepdad sounds like

a great man. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to imagine losing someone so young. 48, he still had a lifetime to live. I hope these wonderful memories sustain you in the coming days.

my profound sympathy and condolences to you and your Mother and all of your family and friends touched by your StepDad.


:hug:

aA
kesha

[Odin2005]

108. Thank you!

:hug: