I miss my grandfather. In this post, I wrote about his death
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=104&topic_id=4283820&mesg_id=4290507He was my first granparent to die. When my sister and I were little, our parents were not very good role models for us or really responsible adults. My parents married young and had me young. They divorced young and became self centered young adults. Although my mother had custody of us and we saw my father frequently, my sister and I spent a considerable amount of time with both sets of our grandparents. While our parents had unstable lives, they had stable lives. While my parents fought constantly while married and while divorced and with their everchanging SOs, my grandparents had stable loving relationships. My parents seemed to have high expecatations of us and actually wanted us to parents them while our grandparents let us be children and told us that it was alright to be ourselves.
My grandfather married my grandmother after serving in the Korean war. He became a police officer with the intention of serving and protecting his community. He was the father of six children who he was always proud of and encouraged them to pursue whatever they wished and to be whoever they wanted to be. He took his family on vacations all over the United States camping, even though they were not rich, because he felt that it was important for his children to be exposed to different places and learn about them. Although he finished his high school diploma through correspondance school, he was always intersted in science, history, and other intellectual pursuits that had importance to the real world. I was his oldest grandchild. He was always proud of me and encouraged me to be whoever I wanted to be as well.
Unfortunately, after he died, I have not been back to my hometown or to see my family since (I live in Wisconsin and they live in Ohio). I also developed an eating disorder and have had a hard time since. He was one of four people who I knew loved me unconditionally and he is gone. I cannot expect the others to live a long time either. My grandmother, his wife, is a year younger and her mother lived to be over 90. My other set of grandparents is older, in their 80's with health problems. I feel bad that I was not there when my grandfather was dying in the hospital. I feel bad that I had not seen him in months. I feel bad that I have not seen my remaining granparents. I guess that I feel more alone in this world and to be completely alone is my fate.
I guess this is all complicated with a needy husband with depression who refuses to seek treatment and living in a place where I have few friends.
I know that my grandfather would want me to get better and would be proud of me even though I feel like a faliure in my life. It is hard though. To complicate matters, perhaps I am angry that he chose to smoke heavily his whole life and the fact that he had two of his heart attacks in the days and week prior to his hospital admission and didn't seek treatment. Even if he was ready to die, I wasn't ready for him to die.
I have been thinking about going on a vacation by myself to visit with my remaining grandparents and extended family. Maybe, that's a good idea.
I am sorry for the long first thread in this forum, but posting in the other thread really got me thinking about this. I have been having a hard time too.
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