OK, DUers I can finally admit I need some help...

[erinlough]

I don't know where to start. I guess it's best to begin by telling you my dear sister Nan passed away one year ago come December. I have lived next door to her for the last 20 years, in fact my whole family are neighbors. My parents (still around and in their 80's) had a farm and gave each of us a piece of it.

Nancy was 12 years older than I and she was like my mother. She had polio when she was little and couldn't work in the fields so she stayed in with me when I was an infant. I remember her as the person who read to me and played with me. My grief is as deep as it would be with a parent.

Well, living so close has benefits and downfalls. I was able to take care of her toward the end of her cancer with the help of my other sisters and her husband. And, I was with her until she died. The part I could never have imagined is that she left behind her husband who I would have to cope with.

Please don't think I'm hard hearted, I'm not. He is not coping with her death. He is drinking heavily and all that he can talk about is how she betrayed him. I guess because she told him it would all be OK, he thinks she lied to him.

I can't listen to him and he wants to have all of us take care of him by cleaning, and organizing things for him. I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. Therefore, I have become his whipping girl. He tells everyone, even co-workers, how I don't come over to visit him (next door) and I don't know what to do. I can't go in his house because it has become nasty and he has this "Shrine" to Nan on the table with candles.....I can't go.

I have just begun to feel the loss because up to now the focus has been entirely on him and his mental health. I resent him a great deal and if I'm honest with myself I wish Nan had lived and he was gone. Oh, that sounds so terrible.

Obviously I feel horrible about myself and have begun to stay inside all the time and not even socialize. Thanksgiving was horrible and Christmas will be even worse. I had hoped he would go to one of his kids houses, but they asked him to come after Christmas because he is difficult with them also and his drinking is hard to explain to his grandkids.

Thanks for listening and any advise is appreciated.
Kathy

[auntAgonist]

1. Erinlough

your situation sounds terrible, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and are going through. First off, do not stay inside all the time, you have a life and you must live it. Tough love is the only thing that will help your brother in law, if indeed he can be helped. He isn't your responsibility. Other people can see the truth, they can see how he's treating you and will eventually recognize that he is the problem. I can understand your feeling and wishing that it was him that was gone and not your precious sister. Your feelings are very real and you must accept them. Is there any bereavement counselling available in your area of Michiga that you can attend? Even his kids are pushing him away, that says something right there. Nasty drunks are not pleasant to be around at all, perhaps you and his kids could look into al-anon?
I'm just rambling here, but it's because I am so concerned about your well being!! You are NOT at fault here, and you cannot allow yourself to be victimized. You must allow yourself to grieve for your sister.

I don't know what part of Michigan you're in, but if we're anywhere close to each other I'd love to keep in touch with you and see how you're doing. feel free to PM me please .. my condolences on the loss of your sister. :hug:

[erinlough]

3. Thank you for your post

I have read many of your posts in other forums and I am glad to have you respond because of the respect I feel for you. I will pm you with my location. It does help to hear someone say that perhaps I am not at fault, I come from a shame based upbringing so that is usually my response to things.

thank you again
Kathy

[flamingyouth]

2. (((Kathy)))

Oh, my heart just aches for you. First, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear sister, especially at such a young age.

As for the situation with her husband, I wish I had some great advice for you. What's hard is having him so close to you. It makes me so sad to see you write, "I feel horrible about myself," because you have done nothing wrong here, and frankly, I don't blame you for resenting him. :(

Al-Anon is great for family members of alcoholics. I would suggest checking out a group in your area.

Please keep us posted. The holidays are so hard even under the best of circumstances. Do take care and know that you have friends here. :hug:

[erinlough]

4. I have attended Al-Anon in the past

because of my first marriage to an alcoholic. Isn't it awful how many people are touched by alcoholism? I know it is an option but I guess I'm not even up to the interaction it takes to get there. As I write that I know that it is exactly what I need right now....I'll work on it.

Thanks
Kathy

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. I am so sorry *hugs* It can be very hard to try to carry the grief

of another survivor, esp in this case where there is a substance abuse problem.

Al-anon is a good idea. So is some sort of intervention for him. Talk to his kids and see what might be done since everyone seems to be in agreement that he is difficult to deal with right now.

He needs help with the alcoholism and with your sister's death and you should neither bear the brunt of that burden nor have to lose your own life because he can't manage his. :hug:

Hang in there and let us know what sort of plan you come up with!

[erinlough]

6. Thanks for the kind understanding...

we did broach the idea of an intervention with his children over Thanksgiving. They are not ready for that, but at least it's out there.

[GreenPartyVoter]

7. :^) I am glad you are all talking, though. That's a good first step

:hug:

[Metta]

8. Conflicting, clashing coping reactions.

Where do you come away with the expectation that you have to cope with your brother-in-law? That's one of the main sources of your conflict. Who says you have to take care of him? Is history destiny? Does he have no arms and is he unable to care for himself? Has he no feet and is he unable to walk over to your house?

What you're both going through are reflections of your attachments to your sister and of your coping skills. He's still angry about *his* loss hence the self medicating and the entitlement. I suspect your sister took care of him, especially if he was feeling low. He's just moved his expectations onto the next, most convenient person. Plus, he stirs in a healthy dollop of guilt and manipulation from time to time to see if that'll work which you further resent.

You want to deal with your grief in peace without him being helpless and manipulative. You can, if you stay away from him or set appropriate limits around him managing himself and you then being available. You're more self reliant than he is and I know this ticks you off. Neither of you understand, I suspect, that you can both grieve exactly like you want; it's just that there are costs.

[auntAgonist]

9. just wondering how you are doing

:hug: