I'm at a lost for words to what has happened. I don't know exactly what

[frankly_fedup2]

the stages of grief are? It's like I know it's reality. I stayed with him hugging and kissing him both in the hospital as well as at the funeral home. Whenever I got the chance when there weren't many people, I was holding and kissing and talking to my father. However, I have not been thinking about it since the service. I feel like his oxygen got cut off or something. My dad always pulled through everything. He loved life and his family and always wanted us all together with a good meal. Food, food, food.

My dad said that food was all he had left. He quit smoking when the docs said. He quit drinking when the docs told him to. And when he had prostate cancer and the doctor asked him if he would like some Viagra (I'll never forget), my dad looked at the doctor and said, "Well doc I look at it like this . . . I've had a good run . . . and when something won't work on it's own anymore, then it's served its purpose. I thought the doctors and nurses would die laughing but my dad was being halfway funny and halfway serious. He had even given up food on and off all his life. He fought it all his life. He was up and down and my sister and I are the same way. All of my dad's side of the family would go up and down as well. My mother, on the other hand, never weighed more than 110 pounds.

My father (my daddy) passed away in his sleep last Wednesday. We made the arrangements on Thursday. We had just the immediate family then accepted visitors after 6 p.m. We buried him (placed in a mausoleum) on Saturday.

My dad always told me he did not want to go into the ground. He has life insurance, which should pay for the funeral and everything; however, mausoleum spaces aren't cheap. My mother tried to get us to just buy a plot near his family; however, I told my sister it would haunt me forever if we put our daddy in the ground. I asked my sister and brother in law to pay half and my husband and I would pay the other. My sister said if that is what daddy wanted, she would pay half. We went ahead and bought my mothers to assure they would be side by side for eternity. I never asked my husband's opinion even though he was there, but I knew he would want what daddy wanted.

I don't want to believe my dad is gone. It's some kind of mistake because I feel it truly wasn't his time to go. He was on home oxygen for the last couple of weeks because his blood sats on home air was 82%. The oxygen brought it up to 100%. At night he sleep with a BI-PAP because of sleep apnea. Everyone says he is in a better place and I just don't feel that way. Being home with us is where he should be . . . that is the best place for him . . . with us.

His family doctor said that God had blessed His eyes on my dad because my dad, no matter what, pulled through everything. In one year he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, went through 8-1/2 weeks of radiation therapy an hour and a half from where we lived for five days a week. Finally, he and my mom moved their camper up close to a campsite. I was driving my dad and did not care one bit but he felt it was ridiculous to have to do all that driving. My sister even came in during the summer to help out (she's a teacher and off in the summer). Anyway, three months after that, he had a triple bypass. Then about 6 months after that he had a right carotid endarterectomy (to clear out any plaque). Then about 6 months after that he had a left carotid surgery. They found out he had what is called a triple A (abdominal-aortic aneurysms); however, they said he had to lose more weight before they could do that.

My dad had given up everything the docs said. He quit smoking when he was 50 years old when he had his first heart attack. He gave up drinking. He started watching his food and lost a lot of weight. He had diet-controlled diabetes. He did everything and then had another heart attack. After that, he ate what he wanted, drank what he wanted, however, he never went back to the smoking. He was 50 when this happened. When he died, he was 76 years old.

Again, before he was on the home O2, he tried to lose weight and do what the doctors said. The doctor told him if he didn't he would die in his sleep from the sleep apnea. My dad, always joking, told the doctor that dying in one's sleep is the way everyone would like to go . . .but just not right now. He enjoyed life way to much. My son had married and gave us a beautiful grandson and great grandson for my dad. My dad had all girls and we all had all boys; however, he was a girl's daddy. He wasn't loud or yelling. He never spanked my sister nor myself (our mother, however, beat the crap out of us, mostly because she was tired and aggravated and because we mostly deserved it. Sometimes not so much though.

When I got the hysterical call from my daughter-in-law (my son and daughter in law were living with my parents until their loan would come through and my dad had promised he would co-sign so they could have their own home and be close to him and mom with the great grandchild. My father was to sign the papers for them the day after his death so that is not going to happen). I tried to stay calm to calm her. Then my son got on the phone and said he was gone and I asked my son to start CPR and beat the Hell out of my dad's chest. I asked if they called 911 and before my son could get off the phone, they were there. I could hear some things going on and my mother said they were taking him to the hospital. They didn't tell her he was gone but she said she knew he was.

My mother has for the last year and a half been having major short term memory loss. It continues to get worse and she won't go to the doctor. She still has enough sense about her to make her own decisions; however, she cannot remember from one minute to the next. She claims she isn't paying attention and that is why she forgets everything. She hasn't been to any doctor for over 20 years. My dad wouldn't make her go either. Legally, there is no way to get her to the doctor unless she will go. The night of the viewing, she started talking about cards that two of my dad's sisters had given her. They had some money in them for her and my mother could not understand why the one sister sent the money through the other. Then she said daddy said he thought it was strange as well. I told her that daddy couldn't have told her that because it was after he had died. She agreed then went into the same story again. Then my sister told her that maybe she was hearing daddy in her head and she agreed but she was not thinking of daddy being gone. She is still so confused.

My dad did all the financing, paying bills, and every pain that included and my mother knows nothing about it. Also, with her short-term memory problems, she would not be able to handle them anyway. About ten years ago, my parents sold the home we had grown up in and lived for over 35 years to get a smaller place without any upkeep. My dad wasn't able to keep up home repairs and stuff anymore. When they did that, they paid every bill they had off as well as having money in the bank. Finally, they could travel and enjoy their retirement, and my father enjoyed every minute. My dad said he wanted to be sure that the home they lived in was paid in full (which it was), all the bills, etc., because (God Forbid) something happen to him, my mother's income would go down (she has lost his pension from his job; however, she will still get her SS check, her pension check from her job, and a part of my dad's SS as widows pension with a Little extra money. Then all she would have was living expenses if she wanted to keep the home.

During the past ten years my son talked his grandfather into co-signing for a car. I refused because I knew he would not pay for it and my dad ended up paying five years of a car payment and insurance. We all warned him that the boy would not keep his word. Then my son got married and he and his wife had a child right away. They always ran to my dad for money because my son knew that his grandfather had some put away. Well, my father ended up paying all of my son's fines, for his sexual offender counseling ($40 a week for the last four years), as well as any other BS my son could get money out of him for. Then my son got into trouble and is a convicted felon now. He had consensual sex with an under-aged girl. It was considered statutory rape. I was going to let my son get a court-appointed attorney because my husband and I could not afford a private lawyer. My father says if I would pay half he would get a lawyer for my son and pay the other half. I told my dad that it didn't matter if it was court appointed or a private attorney, he would get the same defense, but my father insisted on hiring one. He said he would pay half of the cost. Well, I agreed to that, I didn't want my son in jail. He had never been in trouble for anything before. Everything this expensive lawyer told us he didn't think the court would do since it was a first offense, it was consensual, and she was a mid-teenager (not an 8-year-old child), but it was wrong to do what he did being over 21. He had just turned 22 and she was 16.

The past six years of this nightmare with my son concerning all the charges and bills and fines have been terrible. My son would take money from my father to blow even if he had money. My son has always worked and made a decent income as his wife has. They work different shifts so they take care of my grandson. Considering their irresponsibility with every other aspect of their life, they are wonderful parents. It surprised us all. My grandson was born with a cleft lip and palate. It was hard to get through but with the plastic surgery and speech therapy, you would never know it.

Now that I'm having to go through my mother and father's finances (I hate this), I have found so much debt that my father was in. It appears he is in debt because of my son. He got a $5,000.00 loan to pay off a high-interest loan place that as soon as my dad got my son's car paid off and transferred the car and insurance in my sons name, my son went immediately and used the car as collateral to get around $5000.00. This was just this past January. My mother knows nothing of this. I found another payment book to my father's credit union for a loan he got in February. I don't know what that is about yet. The Discover card is over $7,000.00. The Bank of America card is over $9,000.00. Then supposedly the $5,000.00 he borrowed for my son's new home that he was, ALSO, going to co-sign again for was deposited in my dad's account but the payment book has not come back yet. My mother knew nothing of these debts and still doesn't. I have been talking to my sister, who lives about 3 hours away, and telling her that all the debt looks like daddy just did everything for my son to keep him out of trouble and not making him face his responsibility for his actions and, basically, has left my mother in so much debt, there is no way to get it all paid so she can keep her home. My dad has a Buick Regal and my mother was sitting at the table last Sunday and said she wanted to give that car to my son so he and his wife would have a car. I explained to her that since she did not drive, we were going to have to sell both cars to try to pay down as much of her debt as possible and then we might be able to consolidate things into one payment that the extra Widow's Pension she would get would pay for it and then she could use her pension and her SS checks just for living expenses (my sister and I would take those over so her money she could do with what she wanted).

My sister and her husband were going to leave Sunday and leave all of this on me. I told them it was not fair for them to not help make the decisions. Now my sister knows about all this debt where my dad paid out on my son, her nephew, and she is furious (as am I). She has a son; however, my sister married a man that they broke the mold when they made my brother in law. I love him like a brother and he is 52 years old and been in our family since he was 17. His dad died when he was 14 and his mom died when he was 22. He lost both his parents young. He always looked at my father as his second father. So did my husband, whose father passed about 5 years ago. I know he loved his own father more then anything; however, I saw him shed more tears at my dad's service. It may have been because I was so upset. He has been right there for me as my brother in law has been for my sister. My dad always told my sister she did not deserve a man like my brother in law and he was right. Anyway, before they left Sunday, I asked my sister if she was coming in the next weekend to help me go over a lot of the stuff and figure out what to do, and she goes "If you need me to?" It totally ticked me off and I looked at her and my brother in law and told my brother in law he is executer of the will. He was surprised and asked why my husband wasn't as well and it was because he has been in our family so long, my dad trusted him to make things right. I stopped myself before adding that since he was the executor, legally all of this regarding the bills, assets, etc., would be totally up to him and his decision. I'm glad I caught myself before I said that but I felt like they were running out on me just because I live close to my parents and they live almost 3 hours away (which they brought up for some reason). I said what if I didn't live 15 minutes from my parents but lived in another state, then what would we do and my brother in law said, "Well, we would have to work something out." Well, they are coming back in this upcoming weekend and we are going to show mom all the debt and the few assets we can sell. Also, my sister does not want my son or his wife there while we talk this over. I told her how are we going to keep them out because they know about it? She never answered.

I told her what my son did that got daddy in so much debt (which is the exact opposite of what he planned when, God Forbid, he died and that way momma would be okay. Even if we have to sell the property to pay off the debts, she will live with me some and my sister some so she will always have a home and didn't need to worry.

I told my sister I didn't want everyone jumping on my son all at once because if daddy did not want to do it, he wouldn't have given him the money, NOR would he have gotten in so much debt. What is so bad is the fact that her son, the second grandson in the family, has hardly been given anything from my father. He claims he knows he doesn't have to worry about him because he knows that his dad (the brother-in-law that my sister did not deserve to have as a husband), would always make sure that the younger grandson would be taken care of. Then he would tell that to the younger grandson who is a great kid, in college, and will be a junior next year on the Dean's List. It was if my dad rewarded the grandson who all of a sudden decided there were not circumstances for what he did because after a couple of those mistakes he made, and my dad got him off the hook, he always expected it, and my dad did it. I did at first but when I saw how my son would lie just as his wife would to get money for one thing or another they could not afford. I cut the money train off a long time ago; however, now I'm finding out my dad used everything available to him to bail the oldest grandson out of any trouble. My dad would pay their rent, their oil, their phone, paid for the car and paid for the car insurance and they would claim all their money was going on the baby due to his birth defect. They used that excuse at their jobs and got a lot of money from their coworkers as well. They were not working because of driving back and forth, but then would go buy CD's and video games with the money they were given to help pay for their trips, AND they did it in the store where they both worked. My son has a loose wire somewhere and needs it fixed. He found a perfect match in my daughter in law . . . they will look you in the eye and lie even when they do not need to. They are just so use to telling lies, it's like automatic with them.

It's all a mess but worst of all, my father is gone. A man with a good heart who loved his family more then anything. He left his finances in a terrible mess mostly due to my son and I wonder if all the stress of that is what finally took him away. I cannot say anything like that to my son because first I don't know for sure plus I'm not going to say anything like that because, even though he took his granddaddy for almost every dime, he truly did love him. Both my son and my sister's son were terribly shaken up over daddy's passing.

My dad is a WWII Veteran and we had him a full military funeral as we knew he wanted. We bought the mausoleum places for him and my mom so that is some stress off my mind. I've got to help my mother with Social Security this week, get copies of the loans my dad got without my mother even knowing, get the insurance policy out and file for his funeral payments, tell my son and his wife they are going to have to start next month to help paying for the electric, water, cable, phone if they are going to continue to live with my mother. I'm sure they will claim they cannot afford it; however, they are not paying rent or anything right now. They are going to at least do what is right by their grandparents since daddy is gone.

I wanted to go visit him today, but I need a little time and my mother didn't bring it up.

I wanted this to mostly be a tribute to my father; however, it has turned into what can really happen to people, even if their family has life insurance, but only enough to pay for the funeral (around $6,000.00). It's as if my father did not care if my mother could keep her home. I cannot believe that in my heart though. My father always did right by his family as well as extended family, friends, and even strangers if they needed help.

This story is a perfect example of what can happen to a family because none of us are promised tomorrow.

To my dad, if you are somehow hearing this message or seeing me typing it, we know you loved us all. We also know you figured you could probably get things paid down again so momma would be okay. I know you were willing to co-sign yet again for a grandson that left you to pay off a brand new car you co-signed for him and claiming he didn't have to pay it because the payment book only showed your name.

We miss you terribly all ready and it's not even been a week. We all will love you forever. You were the one that kept this family together through disagreements as well as disappointments. We are trying to get a long (especially me and your older daughter), because we know you wouldn't want us snipping at each other. We know you didn't know you were going to die so we do not blame you for all the bills. We still cannot understand how you could take every dime you had to pay a bill for a grandson who works, and along with his wife made almost $40 thousand last year. My son and his wife should pay these bills, but we cannot get neither one to do what is right. I told my sister when they came in not to attack my son because, even though it appears that his oldest grandson took him for everything he had, he obviously wanted to give it to him.

I'm exhausted and am just starting through all of this mess. But if I could get you, daddy, back, I'd help you pay off this mess and so would your oldest daughter to have you back with us. We miss you awfully bad and our hearts are broken. Love you, love you, love you so much.

Thanks for reading if you got through this whole post. Sometimes a shoulder (even if it is a cy-ber one) can help a person get their feelings somewhat under control.==Any ideas, thoughts of wisdom, experience with such matters, or just plain help would be greatly appreciated.

I'm so tired, I cannot even hold my eyes up anymore. Hopefully, sleep will take over and let me get some res

[havocmom]

1. Grief counselors are good. Support groups are great

It's good to find a support group. There are people at various stages of the process there and that can be a real help when you are just starting down that path. It's good to hear stories from others. They can show you that how you feel today is not what forever will fell like. They can show you the light at the end of the tunnel is not just another train.

Learn a bit about the stages. Will be hard to absorb now, but they will float in the back of your head and help you get through things - one day at a time.

Your dad sounds like a pretty interesting chap. Thanks for sharing a little about him with us. We are all richer for hearing about him.

And know many will read but not necessarily respond. Know they send you strength and courage in your times of need. The universe if full of energies. Tap in when you can, let the flow surround you when you can't.

Find a support group in your area. I guarantee it will be a help.

Will look in from time to time in the coming days/weeks. Know people care. Know that his love didn't perish when his body failed.

Love is eternal.

Peace & Strength,
havocmom

[RevCheesehead]

2. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

I lost my mom 2 months ago, and I know the pain of a sudden, unexpected loss. :hug:

Wow. Just - wow. You've got a LOT on your plate right now. And it isn't going to be easy trying to sort through everything and make things right. It's also going to take lots and lots of time and effort. That ain't easy, when you're grieving.

Give yourself some time to just grieve and get over the shock. The fact that this unknown debt was there just adds to the level of shock - and that will add to the stress and anger everyone is feeling right now.

If your brother-in-law is the executor, then he needs to step up and sort things out right away. Your dad chose him for a reason. If there's a real mess, it might be a good idea to get an estate lawyer, who can help with debt managment, etc., and try to protect what little your mom has left. Ask your funeral director for suggestions - they deal with this kind of situation a lot.

Also, keep in mind that even though your son may have been the reason, your dad is the one who chose to make financial sacrifices. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. DON'T beat yourself up over this!! I know you're feeling stressed, and want to make things right. You all are going to have to work together. That in itself isn't easy, but the added grief of your dad's death magnifies everything. Everyone handles grief in their own way. Keeping that in mind, give each other lots of love, and practice LOTS of forgiveness.

My prayers are with you, on so many levels. :hug:

[tibbir]

3. I know it feels totally overwhelming right now

but just know that you and your family will get through this. You'll come together and figure out a way to make everything work out. Try to work with your sister to help your mother because it sounds like she needs the two of you a lot.

And, like someone already said, try to get into a supportive group that'll help you work through your feelings of grief because you'll have to deal with that as you deal with the complexities of the debt your dad left behind when he passed.

My heart goes out to you and your family in your time of loss.

[wiggs]

4. Thank you for this post from May. I'm glad it was here

My father died 5 days ago. We bury him on Friday. There was something comforting in it that I can't pin-point...but thank you. I hope that the past months have given you some resolution and peace.

[RevCheesehead]

5. Hey, wiggs...

:hug:

[wiggs]

6. First time I've gotten choked up from a smiley emoticon...thx! nt

[RevCheesehead]

7. Come on back here when you're ready.

Lots of people here are willing to offer hugs, a shoulder, a listening ear. :hug: