a helpful grief letter...

[Lerkfish]

I have been widowed, and lost people close to me, so I wrote this letter to some people to help them out with their own loss...

A loss of any kind is hard to take. Good advice is still good advice, and I hope you don’t mind that I’ve already offered this others before you.

I know how people around you are struggling with their desire to bring you comfort at this time, while at the same time not having any idea what is the right thing to say. It seems we are taught many things in our lives, except that one thing which would be infinitely useful -- how to tell someone we care about how we are saddened by their loss, and want to offer support and encouragement. I don’t have the answer, either, but I thought I would write you this letter as if I were writing to myself, when I was widowed.
First off and foremost, remember that there is still love and good in the world, and that you deserve your own portion of that. It sure may not seem like that’s true right now, but its hard to see when you're hurting.
Second, there are or can be people around who care for you. In a time of grief it becomes difficult to see that. Later on (and there WILL be a “later on”), you’ll remember little things people did out of concern for you that may not be obvious now. I can remember people asking me to lunch, of coffee, etc., and several phone calls. At the time I just wanted to withdraw into myself and avoid contact with anyone. How could they know what I was going through? I didn’t realize at the time that it really didn’t matter if they understood exactly what I was going through, it only matters that they cared.
Some advice from someone who has already traveled this road:

1. GET OR ACCEPT HELP (even if it’s only a friendly shoulder). I had always prided myself on being someone who helped out others, on being independent, and not really needing anyone. But I finally had to break down and get some help. I’m so glad I did. Sometimes being widowed (or losing a loved one) is a burden too large to bear alone, because not only have you lost someone who meant more to you than life itself, and who you would have gladly given your own life NOT to lose; but everything you have come to depend on as your normal life is uprooted. Even mundane things like toothbrushes and how much food to cook. One side of the bed (or house) is empty, and even little things like TV shows you enjoyed watching together seem not the same. Dangerous thoughts like “how can I go on...” run through your head. But I can definitely tell you those thoughts are wrong. There is nothing more precious to those around you and to God (or the universe) than your life, and how you live it from now on. That’s why you have to accept offered help, even if you’re not in mood. If for no other reason than to let those who offer it feel good about offering it. Because they’re at a loss as to how to help, so by letting them help in whatever small way, you’re helping them. And you’d be surprised how that will make you feel better.

2. LET YOURSELF GRIEVE. If you postpone or ignore your grief, it merely starts accumulating. Eventually you will have to deal with it, and sometimes the longer you wait, the harder it will be to deal with. Dealing with these emotions are difficult for anyone. I know for me, it was very hard, and I ended up drinking a lot, and throwing myself into my work in an effort to numb myself to it. To become something without emotion: if I couldn’t feel, I thought I couldn’t hurt.
But then what happens is those neglected emotions come out in whatever way they can. I would lose my temper irrationally over small, unimportant things, and be hurt or offended over offhand comments not even directed towards me. I became self-destructive and unconsciously pushed people away who were trying to help. If you find this sort of thing happening, you can be sure there is some undealt with grief lurking around.

3. DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP. Guilty feelings do not help you grieve, they delay the process. Don’t get trapped into “ If only I had done...” or “If only I had said...”, because the only reason for asking those questions is to somehow punish yourself. I got involved in a widow/widowers group when I was having trouble, and you know what I found? Everyone there had a spouse die under completely different circumstances, yet all of them blamed themselves or felt guilty (notice I didn’t say they WERE guilty, just felt that way).
If a loved one died at work, they felt they should have been there when they died. If they were there, they felt helpless and somehow should have prevented it. If a loved one died suddenly, there was guilt for not expressing love one last time. If there was a prolonged illness, they felt guilty for thinking it was good for the suffering to be over. And on, and on, and on.
My particular guilt hurdle came about because the doctor advised me not to tell my wife she was dying, and to act like everything was normal, because the shock itself might kill her. After she died, I felt guilty that I wasn’t truthful with her (we never kept any secrets from each other).Guilt....Guilt....Guilt....Guilt....Guilt........
You know what? Sometimes people just pass on, and there’s nothing that can be done about it. AND it’s not your fault. Because all of us would never let our loved ones go if it were up to us. If you’re tempted to feel guilty anytime, put the shoe on the other foot; would you want your loved one to feel bad or guilty if you had passed first? Of course not.

4. BUY YOURSELF SOME NEW CLOTHES: I’m not sure why this helps exactly, unless it reminds you that life is continuing, you are still going places and doing things. But trust me on this one, it was a tremendous turning point for me.

5 DO SOMETHING THAT TAKES A WHILE TO DO; start a several-day project, and then another. It helps keep your mind planning things on in the future. Projects that only take one day don’t seem to do the same trick.

6. FIND WAYS TO HELP OTHERS. Try to find some small way to help others in place of that. This is an amazingly interesting thing: lightening the burdens of others reduces the weight of our own. Send a cheerful or humorous card to someone you’ve just met, for example. (Or knock on your neighbor’s door and stop by for coffee, just out of the blue).

7. MAKE A NEW FRIEND. One that knows you first as you are now, an individual, and add them to the circle of friends who knew you as part of a family.

8. REMEMBER THERE IS STILL JOY IN THE WORLD. There are still wonderful people to know, still beautiful things to see, still a lifetime of things to accomplish. Your life is still the adventure it started off being when you were just a new person. Adventures mean that both good things and bad things happen, but oh, what a ride! This is an important chapter of the book of your life, but there are many more page turns to come. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

[havocmom]

1. Very wise advice

Very helpful advice.

Thank you for the offering.