Loss, grief and guilt

[skygazer]

Does guilt always go along with grief? It sure seems like it in my experience. And often, as is the case with the recent death of my sister, I can't seem to find any way I could have done things differently to avoid the guilt. I would have felt guilty about something, no matter what. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

My sister was diagnosed with lung and liver cancer on April 20, the same day I was having arthroscopic surgery on my knee. Another sister called to tell me the bad news the following day. Of course, my first instinct was to rush to her side - problem is, she lived in Vermont and I in California. In a perfect world, that wouldn't have mattered. I would have gotten on a plane and been there the following day. I don't live in a perfect world.

I'd taken time off for my surgery and I had 2 weeks of vacation scheduled for 3 weeks later to attend my daughter's wedding in Minnesota. I already had time, money and plans invested in all this, plus I had medical bills to pay. I questioned everyone involved about the prognosis - not great but she was starting chemo and had a good attitude. I decided to go ahead with my plans and tack an additional week onto my vacation so I could continue on to Vermont after the wedding and see her. Realistically, even in the most optimistic light, it was a good chance that it would be the last time I saw her. Since I don't believe in an afterlife, that has a very final ring to it.

Four days before I was due to leave, I got another phone call. She was now in a nursing home, not doing well. No one knew if she'd survive another two weeks. Once again, if life were perfect, I'd have leaped on a plane. I didn't have the money for a plane. I gambled that she'd hang in there. She didn't. She died two days later.

I keep second guessing myself on this. It seems that somehow I could have juggled all this in such a way that I could have gone to the wedding, seen my sister and dealt with the surgery. And I imagine I could have had I known for sure that she was going to die so quickly - it was only a month between diagnosis and death! The truth is that I gambled that she'd last longer and she didn't and now I feel guilty. Do I feel guilty because I didn't do enough or because she's dead and I'm alive? Or was I somehow avoiding the inevitable? Or am I just grieving and not making any real sense? Hanging onto guilt because it's easier to bear than pain?

I don't grieve well. I don't know how. I bottle everything up inside and then the next time I suffer a loss, it all comes welling up, all the stuff that's already stuck in there, deep inside and unresolved. Each time there's more. Each time, it's harder to tamp it all back into the little dark closet in my soul where I keep it locked up. It kind of oozes out the cracks. It's oozing today. ~sigh~

Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?

[RevCheesehead]

1. First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.

Your story reminds us that life is often complicated, and there are rarely opportunities to make everything work out perfectly, because that inconvenient thing called "life" intervenes. You certainly had plenty of things going on in your own situation that would not permit "the perfect solution."

It sounds to me that you did the best you could, given your circumstances. You made good decisions, based on the information you were given.

Guilt often accompanies grief. I think it's often part of the "bargaining" step... telling yourself "if I would have done this, then something else would have happened." It's really easy to get trapped in that cycle, because there are ALWAYS ways we could have done things differently.

When you are ready, you will be able to emotionally accept that you can live with the decisions you have made, forgive yourself (only because you are asking yourself if you need to be forgiven), and move on with your life.

Peace to you, my friend. :hug:

[havocmom]

2. Seems a bit of guilt is common with grief.

If only....

Yeah, anybody with a heart and soul probably wrestles with that one. But what is- is and what was- was.

Found that to go forward, what sometimes helps it helps to be a friend to yourself. What would you tell your best friend if they went through the same things? Bet you would be kind and gentle. Bet you would remind that one can only do what one can. Financial resources are finite.

There are some good resources for grief counseling. It does help. Really. Going through the process, letting your emotions 'out' can be constructive and enrich your human-ness. It can help your health.

Be a friend to yourself and give yourself safe places to grieve.

And people here will be here when you need to vent along the path.

Sending healing energy for you.

hm

[livetohike]

3. Feeling guilty is a normal stage of the grieving process

:hug: You will come to a time when you stop saying "What if". Please believe that will happen and there is no timetable for this. I lost a dear Uncle this past October who was a retired Bishop in the Lutheran church. These are the things he told me about my grief over my Dad's death in Nov. 2004.

[we can do it]

4. Yes - Dear, So Sorry About Your Sister

I am sitting here crying about my mom I lost and even though I quit my job to be with her her last months, I keep thinking I could have done more. I feel so lost without her - we were friends, talked every day. I just don't see the purpose anymore - It will be two years at the end of October and right now I feel as though my heart has been ripped out. I don't know how to encourage you - just know that you are not alone. I am truly sorry for you.

[skygazer]

5. And I'm so sorry about your mom

And I guess guilt is a natural part of loss - we feel so bad about our loss that we take on a load of guilt as a way to rationalize it. Or something. :hug:

[we can do it]

6. Thank you SG, I Truly Believe that We'd Would Be Better Off Without Guilt

Misplaced guilt ruins so many things....Funny isn't it though how often does it seem that those who do horrible things (or nothing at all) have no guilt while those of us who have done all we could feel guilty that it wasn't enough. Well tonight I feel a little better and I hope you all heal while keeping those we love close by in our hearts. Hugs to all...:grouphug: