My sister is dying. She was my big sister whom I adored. Over the

[Stardust]

years I followed her down many paths, some good, some not. My main concern now is that everyone will expect me to make funeral and/or memorial service arrangements but I'm not into it. The whole ordeal freaks me out. I know the old adage about "closure," but I for one will be able to deal with her death a lot better if I'm not worried about that, too. Would it seem thoughtless to not have such ceremonies? Will people think it's a reflection on my love for her if I don't? Susan made friends easily, but since we've moved around so much, we've either lost touch with them or they live too far away to attend and our family has dwindled to maybe ten relatives nearby. Has anyone else foregone the funeral/memorial thing and not felt guilty? I'd appreciate any feedback.

[pecwae]

1. I'm sorry to hear of your grief.

Yes, I did fore go the whole funeral when my son died. It was sudden and I was overwhelmed with grief. There was no way I could make all those arrangements, then stand through it all to greet everyone. I had no energy for any of that. I knew he wanted to be cremated (luckily we had spoken of that) and also knew he would not have wanted to be laid out for people to stare at him. He wasn't religious, but he had a lot of friends and his closest ones came by his house to talk with me in the days after his death. They later organized a low rider run of over 200 cars through town in his honor which is exactly how he would have wanted things done, but I had nothing to do with arranging it. I certainly did appreciate it and the write up the local paper did about it.

I have to be honest--yes, some people will judge you for not going the traditional route. It happened to me. My son's best friend died in the same accident. The friend's family did the whole funeral route. I later heard many hurtful comments coming from that family about how I must not have loved my son much to have not had a traditional funeral. I did feel a little guilty when I heard that, but when I thought about it I knew I had done what my son would have wanted, and I was able to let that guilt go.

When my mother died she wanted the same as my son, but to be buried instead of cremated. I felt no guilt whatsoever because I knew I was honoring her wishes. Had she wanted the funeral I would have done that. With my father's death the traditional route was followed. When I die I have already told my family to treat my death in the same manner as my son; cremation, no services.

Do you know what your sister's wishes are in this? Is she able to communicate her wishes in any way? Can you discuss this with remaining family and perhaps call some of the friends she's stayed in contact with? It might be helpful to get as much input as possible.

Again, I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

[Stardust]

2. Thank you so much for the lovely advice. I will talk to her although

that also is a very unpleasant subject and I don't want her to lose hope (I don't think she's aware how serious her condition is...). I will also talk to friends and family, though small in numbers there is a lot of love for her. I'm so sorry for your loss but feel like my burden has been lightened by your experience. Thank you, thank you.

[pecwae]

3. You're very welcome.

That's what this group is all about--supporting one another.

[CC]

4. When my father in law

who was living with us was diagnosed with cancer we were told it was terminal. I am not sure how much or whether he understood but I took him to the local funeral home and had him help me plan the funeral. I wanted him to have what he wanted and they were great with helping both of us. Don't over look a good funeral adviser because they can be a lot of help. It made it easier on me to know Poppy was getting what he wanted and since we planned a head of time it made it easier when he passed away. We kept him at home with the help of hospice and when he died about 1 am I called them and they called the funeral home. Someone from both places were here in no time and made things manageable for us. They took care of all the legal stuff.
Adding in, if your sister is terminal please do not overlook hospice. They are so much more than a nurse to come out to help ease the transition for the one dying. They offer support to the family and they know what they are doing. I swear everyone of them that helped us were angels on earth.
Hope you find a way that works for you and your sister. Sorry to hear you are having to face the loss of a loved one.

[pecwae]

5. CC, it's good to see you!

I'm glad you brought up Hospice. It's a wonderful, but often overlooked resource. I've volunteered with them and served in a couple of capacities. You're also right about funeral home staff. They sometimes get a bad rap, but those I've dealt with really were helpful and compassionate. You've given the OP very solid guidance.

[flamingyouth]

6. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

It's so hard.

What everyone has said here is true, I think. When my husband died suddenly (suicide) I did have a small service but it was a couple of weeks after his death. And I'm glad we did it, in retrospect. But like I said, it was very small (less than 40 people). He was an atheist so I tried to keep with what I thought would be his wishes and found a humanist officiant online.

A lot of people forgo the whole service route and you see it in the newspaper announcement - "no services at Susan's request" - and I think it's fine.

Again, I'm so sorry. :hug:

[pecwae]

7. Just checking to see how you're doing.

:grouphug: