I have a question about the grieving process.

[onecent]

My husband died suddenly in his sleep July 28 2007. I was not alone and had a great deal of company until this morning. I loved the company but was ready for some ME time.

I wonder why I'm not crying.

I haven't taken any drugs since that weekend

I have been buried in phone calls beginning with funeral directors,
cemeteries.....notification to friends.
making decisions
changing beneficiaries on new accounts,
going to the social security office..
blabbity blabbity.
All cut and dried,
I can't eat... (except coleslaw and pickles) somethng sour I guess.
I'm terribly thirsty for water...I walk around in circles and don't get anything done
I have many many notes to write for contributions, flowers, food...
And I have help coming for that...

But why can't I cry. I loved him so much..but I feel like he is still just playing in a golf tournament somewhere for the weekend.

I'd like to know if this is common.
Thanks all

[CC]

1. It is normal.

some is still shock, some is you haven't had a minute to be still. I also believe that our brain knows when something is going to hurt so much it kicks in and shields us somewhat until it can't anymore. sometimes it simply hurts too much to cry. I did cry eventually. After things slowed down and I had time to be still. Luckily no one was around when the dam burst the first time because it would of scared them.
I am so sorry to hear your lost your husband.:hugs:

[onecent]

3. Thank you so much for your reply. I will be posting here I'm sure

in the next few weeks and months. Even today is different. Today I'm shaking...I know it will change daily and get better. It's really nice to know I have someone here to voice my opinions.

As you know some family and friends you cannot do that with.
Thanks you for the hugs, they are needed.

[pecwae]

2. Grief is so different for each person.

You've been surrounded by people, so much to do, so many things needing immediate attention, that they are putting themselves in the top priority tray in your mind and emotions. This is normal. It's rather like a self protective layer. The alone time you're beginning to have will allow you to start your own process for grief in your way.

When I first got the call about my son's death I froze, literally, and couldn't cry. I went into a deep shock and totally shut down. Like you, I walked, but could do nothing. I couldn't even pack a suitcase. This went on for a few months and when reality set in I wondered if I would ever stop crying. For many years, and to some extenet still, I think of my son just as living in another town and we haven't spoken or seen one another in a while.

For now you're emotionally numb and as that wears off the floodgates will open.

If you need us we're here. If you get to a point that you need to write about your grief use us. I am also more than glad to correspond via PM.

I'm so sorry for your loss

:hug:

[onecent]

4. Thank you pecwae. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. That wouldl

be just totally unbearable.

I have many many things to do today, so I probably won't be on this forum, except periodically, for awhile...guess it comes with the attention span.

Hugs,
and thanks for the help. People don't realize how just little things can mean so much.

[RevCheesehead]

5. Grief happens for people in their own time, and in their own way.

Some of our great people here reminded me of that, when, months after my mom died, I began to sob hysterically and couldn't stop. I was so bottled up with grief, that I could only allow a little bit of it to come out at a time - otherwise, it would have overwhelmed me. That gave me so much comfort, knowing that in the previous months, I was emotionally protecting myself from the pain.

You'll know when you're ready to let it out. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :hug:

[Flying Dream Blues]

6. I'm so sorry for your loss, onecent. Grief is a process and it is

different for everyone. Usually when there is shock involved, that period of unreality can last for a good while. As others have said, it is to protect you from feeling everything all at once and being too overwhelmed to function.

Your idea that your husband is in a different town playing golf and pecwae's thought of her son being in a different town are very similar to the scenario I set up when my son died suddenly. I was a bit used to him being gone since he had been away at college for a year, so that did help.

Now, this is my belief system, and I hope it doesn't offend you in any way, because I respect everyone's beliefs. But I kept thinking about how Andrew wasn't really dead, but in a different dimension/world, because I could feel him around me, and even "hear" him talking to me at times...I just couldn't see him. So, he was "alive", I just couldn't see him. This got me to thinking about all the mothers in olden times who said goodbye to their children who were going to the "New World." Well, they knew they'd never see them again, and rarely if ever would hear from them. So, these mothers had children who were living in a different world, one they couldn't see. I could just conceptualize Andrew as having gone to the New World, because in a way, in my belief, it's true.

Anyway, this scenario helped me a lot, especially in the beginning. I sort of thought it was Andrew's "job" to take on this new adventure, and my "job" was to miss him and do the best I could until it was my time to go to that other world. I also knew there was a reason I was still here, and if I could manage my grief, I could make sure I fulfilled whatever else was on my path.

Now, having said that, PLEASE don't think I didn't have days/weeks when the pain was all too present. It seems to come in waves, from most people I've talked to. Sometimes the waves are so powerful it's scary, but let it come, because once the wave breaks, you will probably start to feel better. This is also comforting, in that when you are in the depths, you can know that the sun will eventually come back out. It helped me to let the floodgates open, and then, when I could catch my breath amd felt even a little stronger, turn to a friend and do something, even the smallest thing, to get out and experience something that could make me smile or capture my interest for awhile.

Another comfort I found was in my pets. Every day is a great day for them! I couldn't help but smile at their happiness over their simple pleasures. And the unconditional love was a great balm, too.

I hope this doesn't sound like too much advice. I just remember the days you are in so well. You will be thirsty. You will have a hard time concentrating and remembering things. You will also be very tired...everyone I know seems to agree, grief is exhausting. I know it's different losing a husband, the very person you are used to turning to when bad things happen, and I feel for you so much. I hope you have other people to turn to who can be a source of companionship and listening. I'm a good listener, I'm told, so feel free to PM me anytime. I'm also a counselor/therapist, and I work with grief issues in my practice.

Hugs to you. Please let me or any of these wonderful people be of help and comfort any way we can.
Holly
:hug:

[flamingyouth]

7. I'm so sorry for your loss.

And yes, like everyone else has said, it's very normal because people grieve differently. When my husband died suddenly I was super-efficient and everyone kept telling me how well I was handling everything.

Like you said, there's so much to do - you're just literally running from one thing to the next and there are people around constantly. I took a lot of Xanax during that time but I never slept.

My paternal grandmother was a very wise woman and she would always say, "It comes later." I never really knew what she meant until I became an adult, and I really didn't know what she meant until my husband died. I don't think the reality of the situation hit me until he had been dead for three, maybe four months. The shock lasted that long.

onecent, I am holding you in my heart and in my prayers during your time of grief and sorrow. Please know that you have many friends here, both in this group and on DU in general, and if you ever want to talk you know you can post here or PM any of us.

:hug:

[onecent]

8. Thank you everyone. I have been reading alot on DU, of course,

and I'm still have days....WOW.

Lookingglass, I no way have been insulted with anything you have said. I even talked to someone the other day and told them , "who knows?, he may be just a dimension away", and I do believe that is possible. WHY NOT????

My son flew home from the philippines. He was with me last week for 4 days. I and think I fooled myself into thinking "everything was NOW alright". For 4 days my grief was pretty much on hold because I'm so proud of the job he is doing. We went to Cheesecake Factory with some of my husband's family, went to old bookstores which we BOTH LOVE, and when he left, it took a day or 2, but it hit pretty hard.

He told me when I am grieving for a loss (of the highest value in your life)...it's pretty difficult to raise the bar on the other values.

Food is not as good. Pretty things are not as pretty. Jokes are not as funny. Hearing others laugh sometimes is heart wrenching because I don't see how they could possibly be laughing when my world has fallen down around me. Decision making is difficult. Attention span is poor. I cry when I don't want too, and can't cry when I should. I'm beginning to think the only thing I do well right now is go in circles. Walk in circles, think in circles. Reminds me of a poem I found long ago....do not know the author's name.

My life has fallen down
around me before --
lots of times --
for lots of reasons --
usually other people,

and most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb.

to the pain and desolation
that followed.
and I survived.
and I lived to Love again.

But This,
this slow erosion from below
------or within------
It's me falling down
around my life
because you're still in that
life
------but not really.

and you're out of that life
------but not quite.

I think that poem says ALOT. And can be used in a death situation, divorce situation, breakup...even the loss of a pet.

Until I heal a few more wounds I don't want to experience the Philippines until I'm ready to soak in EVERYTHING the way it should be soaked in...with pure enjoyment.

I'm sorry if this is so long, but my major problem at the moment, are the muscles in my body. My legs, arms, rear, feet, calves, fingers, hands....are NUMB. I realize the emotional numbness is wearing down some, but now my body feels like it SUCH AN EFFORT to walk the stairs, change the washer to the dryer, clean kitty boxes...I actually beginning to wonder if I don't have some strange big time Asian flu....because it actually hurts to get up out of this computer chair.

I got 2 new kittens (I am a cat lover) and they are wonderful. but now feel I have bit off more than I can handle because my middle aged cat is being a MONSTER, to put it politely. I guess that too will work itself out. (My son thinks it's the best thing I could have done)...but now I worry what neighbors or relatives want to clean 4 kitty litter boxes while I go visit my daughter in Washington, DC the 20th to the 25th for the Marine Corp Marathon. (both she and her husband are running in it.

I haven't been writing much because I feel like I'm a burden on some people. Yes, by the way, I have a pretty good support group. But many (I'm sure alot of you know)...don't know what to do with you. And support group or not, sometimes It is difficult to just ask someone to change a light bulb, but BELIEVE ME....it's a monumental task for me.

Thank you flamingyouth, and all of you for your kind words. It's a very nice place to come to, this DU...But I can't even get my anger and hatred of the dips*** in the white house anymore. But I can't wait until I do. And I will.

I'm not giving up, and I know I'm on a journey....I know I have work to do here...and I know I miss my husband beyond measure.

I'm strong, and he left me with security but I'm so tired of making phone calls. making decisions. My appetite is crap (which isn't a bad thing) I need to lose weight. Then you get the dogooders who say --- You HAVE to eat....

Hell, I don't feel like I have TO DO ANYTHING. I set small goals everyday.

Made new plane reservations to go see my daughter and family at Thanksgiving as well as the end of October. in Wash. DC.
Thanksgiving will be the hardest time for me.

Christmas...not so much. We had 15 grandchildren between us and LOADS OF GRANDMAS FIGHTING FOR XMAS DAY....so i'm good there.

Thanks again for listening.

[Flying Dream Blues]

9. So glad to hear from you, onecent!

It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and you are doing a great job of this most terrible job of grieving. I love that you are allowing yourself to do what you can, and be okay with that...that you don't have to do anything. :hug:

Small goals every day is a great way to handle things I think. It helped me feel sane or normal or whatever you want to call it just to get a little something "done" every day. Then again, it's ok to have days when nothing gets done! I still have those...

I remember that feeling too, of wondering if anything would ever be really good again. It does get better, and some days were better than others. One thing I tried to do is really be okay with feeling good if it happened...at first it was hard. There was a sense that I was saying it was okay if I laughed or was happy, when really it was just being open to accept whatever gift the day brought. But it sounds like you truly allowed yourself to enjoy things with your son there, and that is good. Hold onto that as hope that more and more, you will be able to experience happiness.

If you're aching and in pain, I hope you'll see your doctor or chiropractor. The adrenaline response and then the backlash after a big shock can do a number on your body. Vitamins might help... My chiropractor did some really good body work with me, as well as some acupuncture that seemed to help my energy.

I'm glad about your two new kitties. I'm sure they are cute and bring you some smiles. As for watching them while you're away, I for one wouldn't care if it was 1 kitty or 3 if I were kitty sitting... I'm also glad you are making plans to be with your kids and grandkids, that will be good. The holidays are so hard, I know.

Just wanted to touch base with you. I saw you on another post and was so glad to see you, and dashed over here to see if you'd posted.

Take care and let me know if I can do anything for you!
xoxox

[onecent]

10. Thank you so much Lookingglass...

My son is a Chiropractor in the Phillippines, and he went with me to my Chiro visit. My son is into AK, applied kinesiology, but he was very open to my Dr. (Dr. Phil) because he knows that I feel at one with him...and can tell he cares about me.

i know what you mean about up days...down days....This has been almost scarey? comical? aggravating?
name it.....it's certainly not good....but sometimes feeling ANYTHING IS good.

I'd rather feel than be numb. and Now that the numbness is wearing off, I realize I'm as strong as I need to be.but it's hard.

Thank goodness for DU. My only problem lately (believe me) is memory. I can't remember who I have talked with, who I have had conversations with, who I have written thank you notes too (I'm getting better with that, taking better notes)..but I'm still afraid I'm going to forget someone iimportant.

I read alot. I used to read ALOT MORE. But my two sons (who are both Chiropractors in the Phillippines also read alot). So I have read about death..when my best friend died in 1988.
It doesn't mean I know more...in fact, it means I have MORE QUESTIOns....AH WELL. but I DO KNOW that I have work to do...because that's why we are here. My husband, Dan, was a large stepping stone in my travels....he was one hilarious man to live with. WOW.

The word "funny" doesn't mean the same thing anymore.

Thanks for your kind words....I will be hanging out in these forums for eternity...I suppose...
Thanks again